+ Winter Days +

Everyone has those months where past tells us nothing good can possibly spawn from them. For me those months have always been winter ones. All my grandparents died on a November (both of my Dad's parents 12 years and three days apart), December, and January. Since 2004 I've always been edgy during these months. I tend to be anxious and nervous, as if I'm waiting for another loved one to leave or some other tragedy to strike.

Snow brings in me gloom and foreboding. I know many say it's beautiful and lovely. Somewhere along the way it turned to dread in me. And fog? Forget it. The morning my paternal grandmother died the mist curled along as I walked clinging to me and pulling me into a crestfallen mood.

You'd think I would get over it, but it's entangled in me. It clings to me like a desperate lover.

Perhaps that's why I always feel so lonely this time of year. I tend to miss my grandparents and wonder what they'd think of me, especially Nana. Would she be proud I'm first to graduate? Or ashamed I'm still not employed in the job I've always thought I'd have by now.

It brings about reflection and not always the positive kind. Lately I've been wondering if the job I always dreamed I'd have is nothing but a utopian dream. Full of lies I'd fed myself since I was 13.

I always believed being a teacher means educating and helping teens. I always dreamed I'd help teach them to think for themselves and be strong. To let them know they can do anything, be anything they want, and get anything they work for in life. I thought I'd make a difference and though not rich, at least be able to support myself. None of that has come to pass...and I don't believe that's what teachers do anymore. I think the more I work in schools the more aware I become my dream job is nothing but a myth and utopian idea educators wish for but can't find. 

Even with an education I can't get a job I can support myself with. So how can I lie to students that they can do what so many others haven't been able to do?

See the darkness my mind wanders to in these months? Yet I wonder if it's just the snow...part of me feels like the winter is when dreams fade and reality sets in to awaken me.

+ A New Year +

I always feel like the mark of the new school year is more of a New Year's Day for me. It just always feels more like a new beginning. I suppose it's something the United State's school system does on purpose. We spend how many years of our lives revolving around the education system? Of course it ends up ruling our mindsets a bit.

It doesn't help when you continue to work for the schools after you graduate, either. It just continues to rule you completely. I live on their schedule and calendar...

It's a new year.

I'm once again back to "teach". Or, rather, aide...

I'm still not good enough to teach anywhere. I'm not worthy in the eyes of the hiring staff because I am not dating employees, married to any, or cozied up to any that have real pull. I don't know how to make these connections that will suit me. Using people feels like such a lie to me... It would feel fake. I'd also hate to feel like I got a job based on none of my merits and only by those I know. That would suck so much.

Some of the new hires... that's what's gossiped about them behind their backs. You hear a lot when you're the youngest staff member and merely a lowly aide. People talk around you as if you don't matter assuming you can't hear. It's actually a lot like being a child in a room full of adults. They speak quite candidly. I use that example because I was always that fly on the wall, especially as a child. Adults (family and strangers alike) assumed I was too young to understand, but even then I was quite intelligent. Being the middle child in all family gatherings ensured I was ignored completely (my cousins either 9 years older or younger left me very much estranged). I would be left in the rooms with the adults, ignored by my peers and adults and instead I listened. I must seem very safe because there was nothing that wouldn't be said in front of me... or maybe I just blended in well. It happens at work still and I get plenty of juicy gossip... I guess people feel safe because I never repeat the things I hear. I just take it in and pretend I've heard nothing.

The fact, remains, I hear plenty. And it's usually about how so and so is undeserving of the job they got because they know so and so. To be the person spoken of like that would kill me. I already have to work hard just because I'm young, that's how it's always been. To have the pressure... I don't know. Maybe you don't care once you're in that situation because you have the job and that's all that matters. God knows, I wouldn't know because I can't get jobs that mean anything.

I can't get jobs that pay enough to survive on, or ones I really want.

And with each passing year I'm left with the unmistakable question of... do I even want this anymore?

Do people realize the more they break your heart the harder it is to bounce back? God knows this school district that brought me up has done nothing but hurt me since I graduated. I'm losing the confidence in myself that I once possessed. Maybe I was never meant to teach no matter how much I love it... or how much passion I have for the subject matter and age group. I apparently have no self respect though...because year after year I keep coming back. Though it's partly because they pay me so little I have no other options.

I don't even make enough money to save in order to move away... Maybe with this second job I've acquired I'll be able to save up to leave this place once and for all...

Isn't it sad that my New Year is filled with sadness and the need to run away into the unknown? If only I could...

+ I Always Thought Life at Twenty-Four Would Be So Much Different +

I always thought I'd be in a much different place in my life by the time I reached this age. I never would have believed I'd feel like such a failure. All the goals I'd set for myself have refused to go my way. I said earlier that life has screwed me. To which I got a snarky response of, "That's the problem with your generation. It's life's fault. You kids really believe that".

I don't necessarily believe that "life" has screwed me, but I do honestly feel cheated living in this time period at times. Things aren't easy, and I feel like no matter how much work or effort I put in I still won't succeed. I feel like no one in this world wants the individual to achieve anything anymore. No matter what I do... I can't move forward. Don't mistake me, I'm still trying. God, am I trying. I just don't see it actually going anywhere for me. I'm observing myself not moving forward but stuck in the same place.

I always believed by the time I was 24 I would have been working two years in the job I graduated college with the intent of having. In my case, a teacher. I honestly always believed I'd have two years of teaching under my belt by the time I was 24. There was no question or doubt in my mind. You go to college. You get the job you apply for that fits your degree. You work. Done.

I never dreamed that jobs wouldn't be available. When I started Freshman year of college I was told there was a very short supply of English teachers. There was talk of combining grades my last year of high school. Somehow in those four years though an abundance of teachers came out of the wood work and we have excess. Worse than that we have excess veteran teachers that get the jobs leaving us without experience stuck unable to get experience because you need experience to get experience. Awesome.

I always believed by the time I was 24 I would have my own place and I'd know where I want to live. At the very least I would be living in a house/apartment of my own. I just never thought I'd be living with my parents again. That just never registered as possible in my mind. You just don't do that. Yet here I am. In the same room I've lived for 19 years of my life. My room that was too small then and has only gotten smaller as I've aged. I think the only room tinier than mine is Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs.

And yet every time I try to get rid of things I find I have trouble letting go. I have no idea why I have such an attachment to material things. And maybe it's less of a material attachment and more of the fact I just get stuck because there's so much stuff I just don't know where to start. And to be honest the majority of it is clothes that still fit and I wear. I have trouble letting them go because it took a while to acquire my clothing and they're not ratty or ill-fitting there's just little clothing space so it looks like a huge mess of clutter...when it just has no place to go. Seriously my hangers are so close together with clothes that I physically can't fit another hanger up and there are still piles of clothes. Neatly folded and clean even.

I thought I would have an apartment or house to put my clothes, kitchen stuff, couches, books, dvds, bookshelves, etc.

The lamest thing? I don't qualify for low-income housing even though I don't make enough money a month to pay any rent in town. I've thoroughly searched. It's pretty awesome. I don't make enough to have roommates because I couldn't afford utilities or anything else. All because I decided to work the closest thing to my field as possible. All personnel are considered so worthless the jobs can't be the sole income because you couldn't survive.

I know I'm lucky that my parents let me live with them, but I would like to be independent.

I also always thought by the time I was 24 I would have someone in my life that I was kind of serious with. I never really pictured myself being married by the time I was 24, but dating or possible engaged? Yeah, I always thought that. I thought I might even be living with a significant other - no such luck.

Instead I'm a 24, single, employed-but-highly-taken-for-granted-gets-physically-smacked-around-for-nothing, living at home, graduate that doubts a college degree is worth anything. If students were to ask me today if I think a college degree is worth it I would have to say no. I don't see it helping me one bit. The jobs I've acquired since graduating college I could have gotten without ever going to college. The degree possibly made it easier to get hired, but I think I still would have gotten my jobs.

I just always thought a degree meant you'd be successful. I thought that work counted for something. Now I'm not so sure. I'm 24 and I feel old and worthless. I feel like a drain on everyone I know and that I am stuck in a cycle of failure.

And I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like bagging a job that pays enough to support yourself is all luck and no skill/work. The work I put in and my loyalty counts for nothing.

+ This Is All That I'm Certain Of +

God knows my future is nothing but question marks.

I have no idea if I'll get an interview for the teaching jobs that are available in my town. So I don't actually know if I'll get to teach or not next year.

The problem is I don't even know if that is what I want anymore. I hope that's just the almost-end-of-the-year burnout talking. If not then I wasted a lot of time and money on my degree. 

I work with kids that are all behavior. I don't actually get to teach at all. I have vague memories of enjoying student teaching, but two years have passed and I'm left with only memories of burnout from subbing and aiding. You want fun try subbing and not hating everything by the end of it. Don't forget the lice. 

The love is sizzling out as all I'm left with are the headaches of managing impossible behaviors with none of the fun or reward of teaching. I just get backtalk and disrespect from students that think I'm nothing.

And maybe I am nothing. Maybe I don't actually matter and maybe I'll never make a difference to the education world like I always dreamed, but a chance would be nice. And yet I know in life nothing is guaranteed or promised. The world owes me nothing. 

I don't even know what I really want with my life anymore. I just know I want my own home that I can decorate... preferably with a huge library, wine cellar, and that looks like a castle. 

A nice male I could hang out with would also be a plus, but I probably want the castle - home more.

Why can't I just win the lottery? Then I could just decorate/build a home, travel a lot, get more degrees, and adopt some surly teenagers to call my own and give a home and positive future to. I feel like that's not too much to ask for. 

+ Hearts Hurt Sometimes and It's Okay to Admit That +

The words that follow are not mine. They are Sarah Rodriguez's from Elephant Journal in the article "Messages from a Learning Heart". They could be mine right now, though, because it's exactly how I'm feeling. It's as if the words were taken right from my heart and pulled out through someone else's fingertips. So, not only am I going to link this article, I'm also going to copy and paste it with the acknowledgement that they aren't mine, but it's how I feel and I don't want to lose these words. It's part of the healing process.

Here's the Copied Article:

Messages from a Learning Heart

Let’s get one thing straight: this is not an attack.

Not on anyone or anything; not even on myself.

This is just who I am.

I don’t know how to do this any other way—how to express myself in a more efficient manner than trying to soothe my heart as she stumbles and bleeds without knowing why.

She’s never had such demands placed on her before. She’s never been forced open in a way that made her so vulnerable, so close to the throes of perceived danger, so ready and willing to fall into everything my mind has begged her to avoid.

And now, my mind sends piercing whispers to her in this moment of bewilderment: I told you so.
There’s a reason she prefers to be secluded, tucked away in the noisy confines of her outward silence—alone. She’s understood from the start that beyond the flesh and bones that surround her, it’s a cold world out there. She needs to be protected, concealed and unreachable. She knows she’d never make it outside of her cage; she is far too raw to save herself from the pain that comes with opening, emerging as a thing to be fooled for love and tossed when her temporary purpose has been depleted.

She can’t stand being temporary, but she’s never known permanence either. She just can’t handle feeling that she matters one moment, only to be named useless the next.

She can’t be so stripped, so out of control.

This heart, she’s been muffled for a lifetime; somewhere between where she rests and where words pour from my lips, a debilitating cloud of fear and self-consciousness suppresses the truth she longs to release. Every time. Yeah, it’s fine. It happens, you know? Whatever.

But really, it’s not fine. It’s not whatever.

Because hearts hurt sometimes, and it’s okay to admit that. It must be.

Because all she wants to do is cry out the words and let them fall as they may, in scattered puddles or in an ocean of all the things she never wanted to feel.

Perhaps there was never any intention of loving her—of loving me. This person. This heart. The one that fought her own personal battle just to open up despite the wisdom of her senses warning her to remain tightly sealed.

And for what? All for this something that became nothing before she could even define it as such.
She should have known better. She should have listened.

So now she sits here, somewhat defeated and worn, tormented by a situation she can’t quite comprehend, yet aware of every pulse that leaves her. She begins drawing conclusions about everything she did wrong—everything she’s ever done wrong—and she hears herself whisper the words “I’m sorry,” even though she doesn't know why. She must have made herself this way, this incompatible puzzle of the words she never said and the ones she said but never meant.

She questions her ability to be understood, to be accepted, to be loved. To be anything—everything.

And because she won’t let anyone else around, the only person she can blame is me.

Still, this is not an attack.

No; this is the soothing. This is the beginning-again of what once sought an end, a rude awakening in the silence of a long-held breath. This is the part when I must take up mending what was never fully broken; I couldn't keep the cage doors splayed long enough to let that happen. Maybe someday I will, and it will hurt that much more.

Or maybe someday I will, and the exchange will be different. Maybe someday, my heart will be the victor, sending gentle whispers to my mind in a moment of relief: I told you so.

But until then, I’m still learning.

This is just who I am—growing, hoping, trying, learning how to love.

This is my heart reaching out and closing up again, trying to know what it means to be loved, and learning what it means not to be.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

+ I Hate Admitting It... +

I hate to announce weakness. I hate to feel weak or small. Mostly I just don't like to feel as if I'm not strong or courageous. However, to be human is to have moments where you're lost and broken. No one can truly escape it no matter how difficult the times they've overcome. You will still find yourself with moments where you can't help being hurt and a little weak.

It is here that I will admit that my heart has been broken by a man I honestly never thought would hurt me. I always knew any chance I had with him was a very slim one. I'm not stupid. Nor am I completely naive. But he knew that I've had my heart broken many times. He's held me on more than one occasion where such an occurrence took place. And each time he held me as i cried over another man to him he had been gentle and comforting. He knows better.

Hamlet knew I didn't want to have feelings for him because I even said before he kissed me he was going to hurt me. He told me he wouldn't as he held me in his arms. Part of me knowing it was a promise he'd never be able to keep, but I hoped my head was wrong. Hamlet was a good friend and I wanted to believe in him and that I had finally caught some luck. Because I had been broken by too many men as it was. I figured he knew what I've been through and he wouldn't play with me since he knew my past. He knows more about my past than anyone.

Yet here I am a little over a year later fighting back tears because he broke my heart like he promised he wouldn't. 

I probably wouldn't have noticed for a while. I'm pretty inconsistent on facebook. Alice asked me who Hamlet was suddenly with out of nowhere and I felt my heart break as I read her text. I figured he wouldn't be single forever, but a part of me still hoped when he decided not to be single anymore it'd be me he'd give a chance to. Afterall I would have done anything for him. And that wasn't a secret.

I think what sucks most is according to Alice the girl lives where we all attended University. Which means she's not a whole lot closer in location to him than I am. Which means he's willing to do long distance...just not for me. He's willing to make an effort...just not for me. I think that is why I'm hurt as much as I am. He made exceptions for her that he never would for me.

I would have moved for him. There's not a lot at all I wouldn't have done for him. All because I cared about him. I never wanted anything from him other than for him to be happy.  Because I loved him. God, did I love him. And all he's done is played me and hurt me.

I really thought that eventually he would give me a chance.

Afterall every time I tried to move on he would come back in my life. I would be told I had to visit our mutual friends and he'd be there. I'd be dating other guys and I'd start hearing from him almost every day or so.

He was always just there making sure I couldn't move on. I'd see his face and suddenly he would be all I could think about again. He was always there making sure he was the only man I wanted. All so he could toy with my emotions.  And here I am crying over him...again.

I can't help it because all he'd ever been to me when we were together was nice, supportive, and affectionate. He didn't even see fit to give me warning or say anything to me. Just silence. Nothing.

And he commented once to me how all the girls he'd been with had hated him and he had no idea why.  If he treats them all like this and plays all girls as he has me, well that might be a clue.

Except I can't hate him. I never can. Despite it all I know that I love him.  Not just because I've been attracted to him for over a year, god knows I've been attracted to other guys this last year, too. It's because besides all this I still love the Hamlet that's my friend. As much as I may want to...I can't hate him.  And that just hurts more.

And here I am left with the conclusion that all this has happened because I obviously suck. I can't be rejected by all the men I end up having feelings for because any other reason than I am not good enough. There's something about me that makes it so I can't keep a man interested. I'm just not the kind that will win. And that hurts. And it leaves me confused. And I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I really don't.

+ What Do I Do with Choices? +

Dercetus called me tonight. My first thought was, "Awesome, they're drunk. This is going to be interesting".

Actually this time they weren't drunk dialing me. Instead Dercetus called me to tell me one of them really is moving out come Summer and as we'd talked about they still want me to be the replacement roomie.

See, the thing is Dercetus knows I'm unhappy with my home life. I run to them every chance I get. Partially because I adore them and partially because getting away is always good. Seriously. 

It's ridiculous how much I want to drop everything and move in with the guys. Frankly I can't think of anything that's made me happier in a long time. Other than maybe my September visit to their place. It's terrifying how appealing I find this.

Except I'm scared. God am I scared.

I hate the idea of moving without being sure I have a job lined up. A job I can comfortably afford rent, my car payment, gas, utilities, etc. Oh god...that already seems astronomical to me...especially if I'm thinking about taking classes, too.

I'm also sad thinking about having to leave my work friends. I adore two of the women in particular and hate the idea of not seeing them (or some of the kiddos) again.

Then there's Viola and Ali. I really hate the idea of not getting to see them randomly on a week night.

And the leaving of the Rents and the dog again.

I think what sucks so bad is I'm horrible at making decisions. I don't like choices. I don't like the unknown. I hate that nothing is guaranteed, promised, or permanent. I just wish I knew what to do.

I feel so lost in life all the time.

I have no clue. About anything. What do I even want to do with my life!?

+ WHAT DO I DO!? +

My goodness, how do people live with existential crises!? Seriously, in case you're wondering here's some information on existential depression in gifted children. Mostly it's just a really interesting topic.

I feel like every few minutes when I'm thinking about what I want to do with my life a new idea is popping into my head.

Maybe I should go back to college and get a Masters in English? I mean it would open up more career opportunities in the writing and english field. That can only make sense, right? RIGHT~!?

What about just moving back to my old college town and getting whatever full time job I can muster and live with some friends and just kind of save up and ponder life? That's not wasting time or money, right? RIGHT~!? UGH!

You know what, the peace corps! Best idea ever. I've always wanted to travel to a new country and get lost in a culture unknown to me. Clearly a good choice. Who doesn't want to go to Albania. Right?

Maybe I should just apply for all the jobs that are even remotely close English/teaching? That can't go wrong, right?

What if I just move to a random state and become a hermit?

Backpack through Europe?

Become a professional blogger?

Youtuber?

What if I just kind of review everything online?

What if I just... get a menial job and wonder where my life went?

OH GOD, THE CHOICES!?

Yeah, that's definitely the chorus of things that go through my mind on a regular basis with this whole existential crises thing. It's exhausting. It's annoying. And it still leaves me with basically no answers. I've seriously looked into the Peace Corps for a few years and each time I'm left uncertain and terrified.

+ Where Does Spinning Arrow Point? +

In the last year I've been getting a lot of encouragement and advice to go ahead and get a masters degree. I can understand that to some that sounds like the best course of action. However, that just leads to even more questions.

Which major do I take then? Do I choose to go the all English Literature/Writing route? I mean I would love that so much. It could allow me to be a professor instead of just a teacher. That's not going to do much to advance my career options in high schools, though. Do I continue with General Education? Also fun, but won't advance career options - other than making it so I have to be paid more before I have adequate teaching experience making me un-hireable. Score.

I've been told I should go back and get a masters in special education. I understand that it would, in theory, make me an asset in most eyes. I also know that I probably don't want to do that. The reason I like my job now is that it is student-oriented. I get to be out of the politics entirely. I don't have to have massive amounts of contact with parents, administrators, or people in general. I get to work with students. I don't have to have a mountain of paperwork every day. I don't even have to give out my phone number. Heck, it isn't even a big deal that I fly under the radar. I become the teacher and all that goes away... for a tiny bit more money and the ability to never again have free time.

I could go and get an endorsement in a couple more subjects that sound interesting to me. Everyone knows I love me some ancient civilizations and translated literature. I love me some history. I'm a mere two classes away from a journalism endorsement. How cool would that be? That could potentially advance my career or at the very least make it a little more likely I'll get a job.

However, I'm not even sure that I want to teach forever. I don't know what it is that I want out of my life these days. I want to make enough money for me to not have to live with my family. I want to make enough so that I can travel (even if that means backpacking and hostiles - in fact, I'd prefer that). I want to make enough money that I can get up and leave for an occasional weekend. I want to make enough so that I will be completely out of debt and can keep paying for my car and the gas I need to put into it.

I don't know what that job will be long term. I don't know if I'll get an opportunity to teach and decide that's where I want to be always...or if I'll find something else to do instead.

I will admit this part, here and now though, I'm afraid that my job now is going to burn me out on teaching. I'm afraid I'll hate it before I get a real chance at it; like subbing almost did last year on so many different occasions.

I'm scared I'll get so sick of things that I'll need out. There are some days that by the end all I can think about is how worthless this whole thing is. How I do my job for nothing and how it doesn't seem worth it. I'm not really helping and the daily struggles and battles can't be worth the strain of my unhappiness. Others I feel like it's rewarding and amazing...though they're dwindling. Mostly I think how it sucks I have a degree and I get paid next to nothing... not enough to survive on my own that's for sure.

+ Maybe He Missed Me? +

I absolutely love it when someone you've been thinking of all day happens to text you out of the blue - but I hate that because you're excited you got a text you respond right away and then freak out because "omg, how could I text him back that quickly!? It totally makes you seem overeager! oh god, oh god!" 

Yeah - I totally think like that on a regular basis. Now I'm totally kicking myself because I seemed overeager and therefore crazy. God. 

It's not totally my fault, though. I just fancy this guy because he's been interesting, amusing, and nice to me. I like talking to him and being around him. I also really dig that he texted me tonight because I was beginning to think I was totally stupid for entertaining ideas about us - despite having been on a date with him and hanging out with him another time. 

I just typically have a way of screwing myself over and being interested in guys that don't really respect or care about me. I fool myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm wrong and the guy really does care. In his own way. Typically I just am being stupid though because I care too much. 

I would really like for that to not be the case with this one, though. Mostly because I'm just sick of wanting guys that are jerks - and I'd really love for this one to not be a jerk. I'd like, just once, for this to work out in my favor. This guy is one I like being around. 

If you know anything about my last six months or so you'd know that the idea of holding hands with a significant other really creeps me out at this point. I was with a lot of kids that would hold my hand and a lot of working with children and would get saliva, snot, etc. on me from kids holding my hands and/or hugging me. So to say what I'm about to say is kind of a big deal - I never thought I'd be okay with a guy holding my hand again because of all my previous exposure recently, but... 

When this guy holds my hand... I don't know how to explain it. I just like when he holds my hand. I like when out of nowhere he pulls me into his arms so I'm laying on his chest and he just holds me. I like that things aren't so awkward between us anymore. Our first encounter was pretty awkward - at least from my perspective. Our kissing was awkward, though he never seemed to notice. I like when he teases me and when he kisses me. 

I want a chance to show him maybe all ladies aren't the same - and I want him to be happy no matter what that means. However, I'd prefer that he be happy with me. I guess I just want a real chance with a guy who isn't just trying to use me or toy with me. So far he doesn't seem the type. I just wish we'd talk more. I wish I could see him more. And I wish I for sure knew where I stood with him. What my chances were so to speak. 

To be fair though, when I texted him and asked if he was just busy or if he'd just lost interest in me. He texted back right away saying how he was busy, and explaining how he was busy. I said that was cool, busy I totally understand and was just checking. He seemed like he was being sincere and didn't want me to leave him alone. And he was first to text me since then. Maybe there is a chance? 

God. I don't know. I just wish I'd know. I hate not knowing things. It drives me bonkers. 

+ Options, Options +

You guys may or may not know this about me, but I'm terrible with making up my mind. The more choices in my life the more awful it becomes. "Zelda, what should we do when we hang out?" Oh god! The decisions! It's terrible for me because I never have a preference. I mean I don't want to hang myself, other than that we're wide open for things to do.

Goodness. Now I have all these options in front of me. I am applying for teaching jobs literally all over the states to all jobs I'm qualified for (that are for legitimate teaching positions - I am also qualified to be a teacher's aide, teacher's assistant, substitute, etc. But why would I move somewhere else to sub when I have schools and teachers here that I'd rather work with versus strange classrooms? Unless it's a teaching job I can't justify moving). So, there's those options.

Also apparently there are some pretty fantastic scholarship options for certain schools in the subject of special education for masters degrees. I'm seriously thinking about deciding to get certified as a special education instructor. Mostly because there needs to be more people that genuinely like helping these kids, and also because I care about all the ones I've met. They're sweet kids and they need more adults on their sides. Plus, it's just really interesting to learn about the types, spectrums, etc.

Then there's a couple of other internships I'm applying for that are actual paid internships, that you then promise 2-4 years to them to teach in their schools. It's specially for urban education and working with the students that can be rougher around the edges or are just first generation high school graduates. That would give me experience, internships, and I believe it also lets you walk away with a masters.

I didn't know so many options were out there. And now I'm kind of sinking and drowning in all of them because I literally have no idea what I want to do. I'm kind of deciding what I want to do entirely based on whoever decides they want me. I'm not sure this is the best approach or not. It might be a little too passive, but without going to each state and harassing the district HR people in person I don't know how to make all these out-of-state applications into more active chase-downs.

Ahhhhh, I'm so not good with choices!

+ I Have No Answers in Life +

I'd like to get away for a while.

I'd like to just run away and never look back. Maybe never come home and never see a familar face again. Just lose myself in time. Lose myself in the never-ending forests and never look back. I'd do anything to see those emerald trees again right now. I would do anything to talk to her again because she is the only one who could tell me what to do. And irony of ironies if she were here I wouldn't be allowed to talk to her anyway.

I would love to just go to sleep and awaken in another place in another time. Where I wouldn't have to think about this last week and a half. Where I'd never have to try to understand anything or anyone.

I'd like to just leave all the problems the world creates behind me and focus on absolutely nothing for once. The worst days of my life are never about myself. And I can give you the dates of what were the worst moments of my life off the top of my head because they repeat themselves over and over in my head. Each time it reminds me how entirely impossible it is to control anything.

November 6, 1990. - This is a guess, I imagine had I been able to think consciously it would have been difficult.
September 2, 2004.
November 9, 2004.
December 10, 2008.
January 7, 2010.
January 10, 2012.
January 13, 2012.

And I have a feeling those dates won't be the end of them either. There is only more to come. More to deal with. I will still be here years from now wondering what I could have done differently. Maybe, just maybe if anyone listened to me or talked to me things could have been different. Or maybe everything would have been the same. I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore. 

Don't get me wrong I've had more than seven bad days in my life. But these ones are by far the worst ones to have lived through thus far. The funny thing is I don't think anyone could tell me what happened on each of those dates and be correct. Even the ones who lived through those days with me.