Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Two Roads Diverged...

I'm having trouble adjusting to this state. Try as I might, I can't help but feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm so lonely and unhappy. I feel isolated and a little bit broken.

It's hard to make this place home because I already had so many bad memories associated here. There were happy ones, too, but in my isolation and loneliness it's hard to find the good or remember it. All the bad floods in and takes over my memory.

It's so much easier to remember the time I got scolded and called stupid because I was watching the 10th Kingdom because it had fairytale characters in it. Or the time I went outside with everyone and despite using sunscreen getting a sunburn that bubbled and blistered and took over a month to heal. Or the time I accidentally dropped a bottle of nail polish that smashed on leg of the kitchen stool and got yelled at even though mom cleaned it up.

It's true I'm holding a grudge against a state due to childhood trauma that had nothing to do with now and that clearly the statute of limitations is up on.

However, I'm not perfect and am having a dark time. I  don't know how to fix this sadness. I've spent the last five or so days crying myself to sleep. Then I'll get better for a week or so and then the crying continues.

It's also hard because I'm in pain all the time. My back is in shambles. If I sit or stand or be in any position for more than a couple minutes my back screams protests. I try to do things to help, but mostly it has remained the same. The healing process is so slow.

My existence consists of going to work, coming home, and hoping the boyfriend will make time for me. And repeat.

The boyfriend is all I have here. And he's busy with classes and work, too. I know he has to do those things, but I wish he'd set time aside for just me. Even when he's done he'll stay up and do his own thing. I hate going to bed alone. I'm always alone. In the dark moments I wonder what I'm doing here if I'm just going to be alone.

He doesn't understand and gets mad at my loneliness. He says I'm not doing anything to fix it. It's my fault. I just want comfort. I just want to feel loved. I want him to hold me when I'm sad. I want him to surprise me with his attention for just me, or an unexpected date, or just a reminder he cares. I wish he was better at handling my demons...

I love him. I enjoy being around him and when he does give me his attention, he's the absolute best. I feel safe and happy every time I'm in his arms.

Having friends here would help. I'd be able to get out and do things that he doesn't want to do and won't. I think it'd take some of the pressure off him. Right now he's all I have and he is a homebody so my boredom doesn't help.

Friday, April 28, 2017

+ Donde +

Day 28: Where you want to be?

I'm not sure what is really being asked here. I doubt it's actually referring to a geographic location, though.

For the moment where I'd most like to be is with the smokin hot boyfriend. Being away from him is so hard. I miss getting to be around him and getting to see his facial expressions and being in his arms. It feels safe and secure being around him. I'm happy and feel at home around him. Sharing space with him is easy. 

Besides just being with my Link, I want to be somewhere I can forge my own path and not have to rely on my family. I want to be able to take care of myself. It's likely that means Texas and a new job and a new home with the boy. 

That's what appears to be in my future... 36 days. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

+ Organized Chaos +

Day 26: Organized or Messy?

It depends. 

At work I'm overly organized. I get poked fun at for my level of organization by my work moms and coworkers. My binders are color coded, my supplies neatly put together, and my notes compiled with care. 

My apartment during college was also neatly organized and clean. 

It's how I prefer things, however my room at my parents house is less organized. The main reason is I have the smallest room and when I had to move back home to student teach I had an entire apartment move home, too. I have too much stuff. Plenty that has no purpose or value. Right now it's more organized than it has been for years because I've donated and thrown away so much already. 

I know I'm moving in June so I'm trying my best to get rid of as much stuff as possible. As it is i can't take very much with me anyway. I'm leaving quite a bit at my parents' house since I can only take what fits in my car for now. 

I'll probably have to come back later and rent a small uhaul and drive back to where ever my new home may be. So I want to ditch as much as I can until then so I don't have to move as much. That's the goal... 

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

+ Happiness +

Day 25: Happiness is...

The biggest thing for me is knowing my loved ones are happy.

I tend to be a nuturer by nature. I want to protect. I want to empathize. I want to listen. I want to help. I want to do anything they need. I want the people in my life to be happy. I want all good things for them.

My entire life I've put myself last. Assuming I was the least important person.

Within the last year I've learned that I matter, too. I've made choices to lead to my own happiness. I started taking care of myself - eating healthier 95% of the time, working out and growing muscles, and doing things that help my mental health.

I'm the happiest I think I've ever been. I've now moved to another state. I got a new job that I start soon. I'm living with the man of my dreams. Things are going well. (7.23)

Monday, April 24, 2017

+ Motto +

Day 24: A motto to live by...

So it goes...

That's probably the words that come to my mind most often. So much so that it's tattooed on my right foot.

It fits most situations. It encompasses the mildly irritating, the heart-wrenching pain, the clipped attitude, the things you can't do anything about but accept and try to rebuild, and everything in between.

It's a phrase that reminds you even though it hurts like hell now, it'll pass. You can't control everything, but you can get through it.

It holds the deaths of my family, my heart breaks, and my road rage. It cradles all that I am and ever can be.

You can only do so much and sometimes accepting the chaos is the best course of action to move forward and get stronger.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

+ Decisions +

Day 22: Your Last Important Decision.

It'd probably have to be my immediate future decisions.

In November I decided that I need a change. Obi-Wan talked me into moving to Florida because he thinks his fiancee can get me a decent paying job.

Then I started dating my boyfriend. The move to Florida was actually going to be better for us anyway because we'd be closer than we are currently.

Fast forward a couple months and we started talking about me moving in with him instead of going to Florida. That's the current decision I've come up with. I haven't wanted anything this much in forever. I hate not getting to be with my boyfriend much.

It is a big leap of faith on my part, though. I'm so afraid of moving without a job already in  place. I need to be able to pay my bills. I need a job. Any job. I just always have 'what if I can't get a job in time' in the back of my head, though. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to do it and I'll let my boyfriend down in the process, too.
There's also another choice I'm grappling with. My job has some teaching jobs opening up soon. Some coworkers think I could get hired, but it'd mean staying here. I don't like living in this state - I've been dreaming of moving away and getting out on my own since I was a teenager. Now, I just want to be with my boyfriend and I can't ask him to move here. Not when I've already said I'm moving to be with him. Especially when I know how much he loves his home state. I guess that decision has already been made, too.

My choice is my boyfriend. I'm over the distance. I just want it to be June so badly because I'm ready for a change. I want to start my new life, in a new state, with the love of my life.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

+ Future Notes +

Day 20: Would you like to know about the future?

For the most part I'd rather discover my future as it happens. Knowing an outcome doesn't help the road to get there and without the road the outcome can't come true.

I wouldn't be the same person I am today without all that happened to me, and if I knew about some of the things that happened ahead of time I likely would have tried to avoid them. Or I would have lived in fear of the day they happened. Neither of which would have been healthy.

I'm happy with the person my experiences have shaped me into. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears came into forging this identity. This existence is mine and I've claimed a space in the universe I work.

I'm good with the way my life has gone. I'm good with where ever my future will go.

The only thing I'd be curious about is where my work life is going to go. I thought I'd be a teacher my entire life. Right now it's not seeming like that'll ever be in the cards for me. I don't know what I'm going to do for a career. That's all question marks for me.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

+ Songs +

Day 19: Your favorite song to sing?

There's too many songs I rock out to - mostly in my car. I have 90s on 9 blasting when I drive most often.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
No Doubt
Green Day
New Found Glory
Blink 182

Classic 90s pop need to be belted out:
Humpty Dance - comes on lots
Can't Touch This
I don't want to Wait
Where have all the Cowboys Gone
Spice Girls
Backstreet Boys

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

+ Me +

Day 18: How would you like to be described?

I'm not sure how I'd want to be described. I just strive to be a trustworthy and nice person to those that cross my path. I try to do well at all things I do and work my hardest. I strive to be reliable and take care of myself.

I just would like to be a good person.

I don't know, these questions always seem silly to me. I shouldn't be the one describing myself.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

+ Overuse +

Day 16: The word that you overuse.

"Fair enough"
"Why do you hurt me?"
"If you say so"
"For sure"
"I mean..."
"Not untrue"