Sunday, August 13, 2017

+ A Whole New Year... +

August/September always feel so much more like a new year to me than January ever has. I guess that's why my nostalgia comes out about now.

It's amazing what a year can do. Truly. I'm not sure I know who that person is anymore and that's not a bad thing.

My goals are still relatively similar as far as my health goes. I'm still wanting to get healthier. Though I've been a little slack there this summer with my move. I need to get back on my gym 6 days a week kick. I lost some strength since not going as much and that's been kind of discouraging, though I haven't gained anything back. I just also haven't made more progress. The shopping for two and cooking all the time make it hard, too. I'm horrible with meal planning and such. Plus, my man likes bacon and chili cheese dogs and burgers and tacos and mac and cheese, and it's not exactly healthy. -sigh- Healthy food is so expensive, too... This summer has been trying because I didn't get a job after I moved until the end of July and so I was living off credit cards. That meant cheap food that could last while sneaking in as much produce as I could. I need to find recipes and meal plan better, especially healthy stuff...

A year ago I was fighting moving to Texas. I wanted nothing to do with it. The ex was in Idaho and my family and friends were there. I thought the ex was my chance at finding someone who understood me and I could trust. My current man was building me up and encouraging my gym efforts and having nerdy debates and conversations with me through text while I worked out my frustration with life. Now here I am in Texas with the man that encouraged me so much last year. Funny how I fought so hard my entire life to not be in Texas...

A year ago I thought I would have a real chance at teaching. I knew people would be retiring within the year. I wanted to help my seniors through the Senior Paper and Project - I still have that desire this year, but I knew I couldn't live on my pay and I couldn't sacrifice my relationship for another year of distance. It was too painful. I also couldn't sacrifice another year of life going no where, being stagnant and financially crippled. I never thought I'd go into the banking business, but here I am. New job, new co-workers, and new industry. I look forward to seeing what may come.

Last year me marked the beginning of changing my life for the better and I can only hope a year from now I can say the same of this year's me.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

+ A New Beginning +

For as long as I can remember I've been wanting to gain control of my own life. To me that always meant leaving the state I grew up in and finding a new state to call homr. Finding a place that was mine. Creating a home that was cozy and not controlled by everyone else I've lived with forever. Not having to clean up huge messes I didn't make, not having to be yelled at for things I didn't do, etc.

June 15th I made it to the new state I'll be calling home. Texas. Lone Star Republic. South. Hot. Humid. Hellfire. Scorpions. More cockroaches than I ever imagined possible. The state I've spent my whole life swearing I'd never live and hated for bringing me nothing but third degree sunburns and scoldings from family members.

And yet... here I am. Funny how life works, isn't it? If only I knew the man I'd choose was a die-hard Texan. I maybe wouldn't have been so ruthless towards this state, regardless I'm here now.

I've moved in with the sweetest and most loving man I've ever known. He has the most infectious laugh and smile that makes me melt every time. He's silly and funny. He's smart. He's stubborn and impossible. He's appreciative. He's charming. He's the most handsome man I've ever seen up close. He always has his arms around me, kisses me, or just cuddles up against me. He's sarcastic and sassy. He's my perfect match in so many ways including in ways I never believed possible. We aren't perfect and sometimes we get exasperated with each other, but we always get through it. 

I don't have much experience with Texas yet. I haven't fully claimed it as my own. I've been weary about talking about this move because I haven't had all good days here. I was afraid any post I made would just be a rant against the state. The roads are different (seriously feeder roads???), intersections with weird things going on, and just the not knowing where things are so always feeling lost. I also don't know anyone here besides my boyfriend and the couple friends of his I met. Which led to very little social interactions for me.

I was job hunting and applied for 100-something jobs. All with no response back mind you, until something glorious happened. I got two interviews and a job offer with a bank. I've always wondered about bank work. It seemed different, social, and new. I'm so excited! I know it's not teaching, but since my home state wouldn't hire me and no other teaching jobs will give me a chance, I had to do something. Did I mention I'll make more money at this job than I've made my entire adult life?! Though that's not hard to do. Schools don't pay Paras anything. Literally. $11,000 a year? That's not a living wage and more proof how little school districts value their students and staff. That being said my students and coworkers valued me. Those are the reasons we stay at horrible paying jobs. We love our students and our coworkers become family. I'll miss them all so much. It feels like a part of me is missing knowing I won't see my students and coworkers this September.

I wasn't prepared to miss things like I do. I miss the Pacific North West like nobody's business! The rivers and mountains. The cooler weather. The lack of humidity and cockroaches. My family and Anubis. My friends.

But! I do get to live my life with the man of my dreams. Which I never thought would happen to me. I didn't think I would ever find someone who fit me like this. I honestly thought I'd be single forever.

I get a new start. A new state. A new job I start this week. A new chance at making new friends. I get a job I can afford to live, pay my bills and rent, and maybe even save a little money. Is this the "American Dream"?

Friday, April 28, 2017

+ Donde +

Day 28: Where you want to be?

I'm not sure what is really being asked here. I doubt it's actually referring to a geographic location, though.

For the moment where I'd most like to be is with the smokin hot boyfriend. Being away from him is so hard. I miss getting to be around him and getting to see his facial expressions and being in his arms. It feels safe and secure being around him. I'm happy and feel at home around him. Sharing space with him is easy. 

Besides just being with my Link, I want to be somewhere I can forge my own path and not have to rely on my family. I want to be able to take care of myself. It's likely that means Texas and a new job and a new home with the boy. 

That's what appears to be in my future... 36 days. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

+ Organized Chaos +

Day 26: Organized or Messy?

It depends. 

At work I'm overly organized. I get poked fun at for my level of organization by my work moms and coworkers. My binders are color coded, my supplies neatly put together, and my notes compiled with care. 

My apartment during college was also neatly organized and clean. 

It's how I prefer things, however my room at my parents house is less organized. The main reason is I have the smallest room and when I had to move back home to student teach I had an entire apartment move home, too. I have too much stuff. Plenty that has no purpose or value. Right now it's more organized than it has been for years because I've donated and thrown away so much already. 

I know I'm moving in June so I'm trying my best to get rid of as much stuff as possible. As it is i can't take very much with me anyway. I'm leaving quite a bit at my parents' house since I can only take what fits in my car for now. 

I'll probably have to come back later and rent a small uhaul and drive back to where ever my new home may be. So I want to ditch as much as I can until then so I don't have to move as much. That's the goal... 

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

+ Happiness +

Day 25: Happiness is...

The biggest thing for me is knowing my loved ones are happy.

I tend to be a nuturer by nature. I want to protect. I want to empathize. I want to listen. I want to help. I want to do anything they need. I want the people in my life to be happy. I want all good things for them.

My entire life I've put myself last. Assuming I was the least important person.

Within the last year I've learned that I matter, too. I've made choices to lead to my own happiness. I started taking care of myself - eating healthier 95% of the time, working out and growing muscles, and doing things that help my mental health.

I'm the happiest I think I've ever been. I've now moved to another state. I got a new job that I start soon. I'm living with the man of my dreams. Things are going well. (7.23)

Monday, April 24, 2017

+ Motto +

Day 24: A motto to live by...

So it goes...

That's probably the words that come to my mind most often. So much so that it's tattooed on my right foot.

It fits most situations. It encompasses the mildly irritating, the heart-wrenching pain, the clipped attitude, the things you can't do anything about but accept and try to rebuild, and everything in between.

It's a phrase that reminds you even though it hurts like hell now, it'll pass. You can't control everything, but you can get through it.

It holds the deaths of my family, my heart breaks, and my road rage. It cradles all that I am and ever can be.

You can only do so much and sometimes accepting the chaos is the best course of action to move forward and get stronger.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

+ Decisions +

Day 22: Your Last Important Decision.

It'd probably have to be my immediate future decisions.

In November I decided that I need a change. Obi-Wan talked me into moving to Florida because he thinks his fiancee can get me a decent paying job.

Then I started dating my boyfriend. The move to Florida was actually going to be better for us anyway because we'd be closer than we are currently.

Fast forward a couple months and we started talking about me moving in with him instead of going to Florida. That's the current decision I've come up with. I haven't wanted anything this much in forever. I hate not getting to be with my boyfriend much.

It is a big leap of faith on my part, though. I'm so afraid of moving without a job already in  place. I need to be able to pay my bills. I need a job. Any job. I just always have 'what if I can't get a job in time' in the back of my head, though. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to do it and I'll let my boyfriend down in the process, too.
There's also another choice I'm grappling with. My job has some teaching jobs opening up soon. Some coworkers think I could get hired, but it'd mean staying here. I don't like living in this state - I've been dreaming of moving away and getting out on my own since I was a teenager. Now, I just want to be with my boyfriend and I can't ask him to move here. Not when I've already said I'm moving to be with him. Especially when I know how much he loves his home state. I guess that decision has already been made, too.

My choice is my boyfriend. I'm over the distance. I just want it to be June so badly because I'm ready for a change. I want to start my new life, in a new state, with the love of my life.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

+ Future Notes +

Day 20: Would you like to know about the future?

For the most part I'd rather discover my future as it happens. Knowing an outcome doesn't help the road to get there and without the road the outcome can't come true.

I wouldn't be the same person I am today without all that happened to me, and if I knew about some of the things that happened ahead of time I likely would have tried to avoid them. Or I would have lived in fear of the day they happened. Neither of which would have been healthy.

I'm happy with the person my experiences have shaped me into. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears came into forging this identity. This existence is mine and I've claimed a space in the universe I work.

I'm good with the way my life has gone. I'm good with where ever my future will go.

The only thing I'd be curious about is where my work life is going to go. I thought I'd be a teacher my entire life. Right now it's not seeming like that'll ever be in the cards for me. I don't know what I'm going to do for a career. That's all question marks for me.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

+ Songs +

Day 19: Your favorite song to sing?

There's too many songs I rock out to - mostly in my car. I have 90s on 9 blasting when I drive most often.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
No Doubt
Green Day
New Found Glory
Blink 182

Classic 90s pop need to be belted out:
Humpty Dance - comes on lots
Can't Touch This
I don't want to Wait
Where have all the Cowboys Gone
Spice Girls
Backstreet Boys

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

+ Me +

Day 18: How would you like to be described?

I'm not sure how I'd want to be described. I just strive to be a trustworthy and nice person to those that cross my path. I try to do well at all things I do and work my hardest. I strive to be reliable and take care of myself.

I just would like to be a good person.

I don't know, these questions always seem silly to me. I shouldn't be the one describing myself.