God knows my future is nothing but question marks.
I have no idea if I'll get an interview for the teaching jobs that are available in my town. So I don't actually know if I'll get to teach or not next year.
The problem is I don't even know if that is what I want anymore. I hope that's just the almost-end-of-the-year burnout talking. If not then I wasted a lot of time and money on my degree.
I work with kids that are all behavior. I don't actually get to teach at all. I have vague memories of enjoying student teaching, but two years have passed and I'm left with only memories of burnout from subbing and aiding. You want fun try subbing and not hating everything by the end of it. Don't forget the lice.
The love is sizzling out as all I'm left with are the headaches of managing impossible behaviors with none of the fun or reward of teaching. I just get backtalk and disrespect from students that think I'm nothing.
And maybe I am nothing. Maybe I don't actually matter and maybe I'll never make a difference to the education world like I always dreamed, but a chance would be nice. And yet I know in life nothing is guaranteed or promised. The world owes me nothing.
I don't even know what I really want with my life anymore. I just know I want my own home that I can decorate... preferably with a huge library, wine cellar, and that looks like a castle.
A nice male I could hang out with would also be a plus, but I probably want the castle - home more.
Why can't I just win the lottery? Then I could just decorate/build a home, travel a lot, get more degrees, and adopt some surly teenagers to call my own and give a home and positive future to. I feel like that's not too much to ask for.
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