+ Winter Days +

Everyone has those months where past tells us nothing good can possibly spawn from them. For me those months have always been winter ones. All my grandparents died on a November (both of my Dad's parents 12 years and three days apart), December, and January. Since 2004 I've always been edgy during these months. I tend to be anxious and nervous, as if I'm waiting for another loved one to leave or some other tragedy to strike.

Snow brings in me gloom and foreboding. I know many say it's beautiful and lovely. Somewhere along the way it turned to dread in me. And fog? Forget it. The morning my paternal grandmother died the mist curled along as I walked clinging to me and pulling me into a crestfallen mood.

You'd think I would get over it, but it's entangled in me. It clings to me like a desperate lover.

Perhaps that's why I always feel so lonely this time of year. I tend to miss my grandparents and wonder what they'd think of me, especially Nana. Would she be proud I'm first to graduate? Or ashamed I'm still not employed in the job I've always thought I'd have by now.

It brings about reflection and not always the positive kind. Lately I've been wondering if the job I always dreamed I'd have is nothing but a utopian dream. Full of lies I'd fed myself since I was 13.

I always believed being a teacher means educating and helping teens. I always dreamed I'd help teach them to think for themselves and be strong. To let them know they can do anything, be anything they want, and get anything they work for in life. I thought I'd make a difference and though not rich, at least be able to support myself. None of that has come to pass...and I don't believe that's what teachers do anymore. I think the more I work in schools the more aware I become my dream job is nothing but a myth and utopian idea educators wish for but can't find. 

Even with an education I can't get a job I can support myself with. So how can I lie to students that they can do what so many others haven't been able to do?

See the darkness my mind wanders to in these months? Yet I wonder if it's just the snow...part of me feels like the winter is when dreams fade and reality sets in to awaken me.