I'm having trouble adjusting to this state. Try as I might, I can't help but feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm so lonely and unhappy. I feel isolated and a little bit broken.
It's hard to make this place home because I already had so many bad memories associated here. There were happy ones, too, but in my isolation and loneliness it's hard to find the good or remember it. All the bad floods in and takes over my memory.
It's so much easier to remember the time I got scolded and called stupid because I was watching the 10th Kingdom because it had fairytale characters in it. Or the time I went outside with everyone and despite using sunscreen getting a sunburn that bubbled and blistered and took over a month to heal. Or the time I accidentally dropped a bottle of nail polish that smashed on leg of the kitchen stool and got yelled at even though mom cleaned it up.
It's true I'm holding a grudge against a state due to childhood trauma that had nothing to do with now and that clearly the statute of limitations is up on.
However, I'm not perfect and am having a dark time. I don't know how to fix this sadness. I've spent the last five or so days crying myself to sleep. Then I'll get better for a week or so and then the crying continues.
It's also hard because I'm in pain all the time. My back is in shambles. If I sit or stand or be in any position for more than a couple minutes my back screams protests. I try to do things to help, but mostly it has remained the same. The healing process is so slow.
My existence consists of going to work, coming home, and hoping the boyfriend will make time for me. And repeat.
The boyfriend is all I have here. And he's busy with classes and work, too. I know he has to do those things, but I wish he'd set time aside for just me. Even when he's done he'll stay up and do his own thing. I hate going to bed alone. I'm always alone. In the dark moments I wonder what I'm doing here if I'm just going to be alone.
He doesn't understand and gets mad at my loneliness. He says I'm not doing anything to fix it. It's my fault. I just want comfort. I just want to feel loved. I want him to hold me when I'm sad. I want him to surprise me with his attention for just me, or an unexpected date, or just a reminder he cares. I wish he was better at handling my demons...
I love him. I enjoy being around him and when he does give me his attention, he's the absolute best. I feel safe and happy every time I'm in his arms.
Having friends here would help. I'd be able to get out and do things that he doesn't want to do and won't. I think it'd take some of the pressure off him. Right now he's all I have and he is a homebody so my boredom doesn't help.
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