It's been over a year and I'm still of the same opinion of Texas. There are 49 better states. After all this time the single pro is the few people I love that are here. My boyfriend being one.
But I struggle here. I'm fading away and forgetting who I am and what I want. I feel stuck and like my life is on hold. I'm moving nowhere. I'm accomplishing nothing. I'm lonely and sad.
I have nothing to look forward to in my daily life. Just an abyss of things I find unpleasant. I work at a job that is easy and lacking challenges. Every day is the same and unfulfilling. I miss the challenges of teaching and the way that even on the most difficult days it felt like what I did mattered. It wasn't just a job, it was who I am. I never asked myself I smiled enough or pretended to care about how this stranger's day was so I could maybe turn them into a number logged into a machine that told them I was working. But, yes, Texas you are giving me 66% more money (but wait there's more!) and larger bills I can't afford!
So. I go to work everyday at a job I hate and pretend it's great. I smile and say all the right things. I laugh at my coworkers jokes and say "yeah, I had a great weekend so glad I'm back". Hoping one of them might form a genuine connection with me and let me gain a friend to no avail. So I pretend everything's perfect and do my job and hate it every minute. Where I go home and wish and yearn for connection and love. But I feel empty inside.
Boyfriend also works and goes to school. We get little to no time together. Usually when I get off work he's headed to night classes and then he comes home, asks me what's for dinner and then leaves to do homework. I go to bed and he stays up doing homework.
We both have Sundays off. But we've made sure we don't get alone time together. We have magic or d&d or Pokemon Go to do with people. More people that I smile to and pretend everything's perfect while I want to cry and wish for connection.
I feel so alone. And when I bring it up to boyfriend that I feel lonely and can't figure out why he doesn't want to spend time with just me he tells me we always fight and who wants to spend time with that? So other people is better and easier. And then I wish I could be different. I wish I were happy like I used to be. Then I remember I had friends and genuine connection and that he had loved me and made all these promises to me. He was different, too. He wanted me then. I had things I loved to do. I had a life of my own. I loved going to my gym. I loved hiking. I had family and friends that loved me fiercely. I had things I did. I didn't have to tag along with boyfriend when hanging out with his friends to have human interaction.
I miss who I used to be. I miss my home. I miss not feeling empty. I miss not hating Mondays. I miss not hating my job. I miss not feeling so lonely I want to hide from the world.
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