+ I'd Never Had A Panic Attack Before +

 Ajax keeps escalating. He keeps screaming, throwing fits, and cursing. His rage is scaring me. His entitlement. His threats. It's all coming back. 

Dad and I were talking. I don't remember what about or how it happened. I just remember that I started hyperventilating, I couldn't breathe, I was crying and everything was spilling out. The things I thought I would keep to myself forever. Suddenly, the seal was broken and I couldn't stop. I told Dad a lot of the things Ajax did to me. How he'd beat me, how I had to hide my arms and legs, how I was too afraid to ever tell. I told him that he's escalating like he used to. 

Dad said he never knew and he's sorry. 

I don't know what to do. 

I've never told before. Well, Dad. 

Fiancé knows. He's known early on. I don't think there's anything that Fiancé doesn't know. Or if so, nothing that he doesn't know by intention. Like it's possible things haven't come up or things are still hidden in my mind waiting to be triggered back into memory. Ajax threatened to kill Fiancé or pay to have someone do it. 

There's evil in there. I thought Ajax had gotten over it, but he hasn't. 

I'd been forced to pretend everything was okay for so long. I let my mind tell me it was nothing but a bad dream. My brain told me I was okay. Ajax was annoying and immature, but I was fine. My mind tried protecting me in the only way it knew how, but it's wrong. I'm not okay. I'm not safe.