My mom bought me my first tarot deck (well, actually decks... but one of them wasn't a traditional tarot deck but one of those fairy decks that don't use the major or minor arcana, but like... their own kind of deck schematic) when I was a freshman in high school because I discovered my favorite modern artist at the time by pure accident. I was browsing Hot Topic like the little goth girl I was - and in the clearance section was a beautifully illustrated book illustrated by and collaboratively written by Joseph Vargo. Besides writing Tales from the Dark Tower, he had a lot of different things with his art on it. One being a deck of Tarot cards he illustrated. To this day, it's one of my most prized possessions. Not just because it was a gift from my mother or the work from my favorite artist, but because it is beautiful. It's made many moves with me and despite a ton of use, the cards still look like new.
That was perhaps some unnecessary background for the point of this post, but I figured it'd explain the title a bit better than without that quick info.
Today my card is the Ten of Swords.
It feels fitting with what is going on in the world as a whole and within my own life and head space currently. It could be indicating a great many things on a personal level.
It is rock bottom, closure, finished, or giving up. It's accepting the end of something and moving on. It indicates that something new is waiting for you.
It is saying you can only go up from here. Self-pity and martyrdom is not serving you so you should stop the feelings of being weighted down and help yourself. Learn from your mistakes and continue to improve yourself. The time for pity is over.
As a whole, the world today has this aura everywhere we go. With Covid-19, everyone is feeling stuck, restless, unhappy, and they are feeling sorry for themselves with the idea of being contained or having their freedom stripped away. Sheltering in place, for many, is the worst it's going to get. Yes, isolation can be crippling. Yes, it's hard to feel connected with your loved ones when you're not able to see them or hold them. However, if that's the worst it gets for you, you're lucky. It's about being selfless for a little while so you can protect the vulnerable. I would hope that when I am at the point I'm vulnerable others would be willing to do the same for me. It's pointless to hold on to the illusion that you're sacrificing or a martyr by staying inside your home and watching Netflix all day.
It's important to remember this isn't going to be forever.
On a personal note, this card could be indicating a good deal more.
It's almost a year since my mother died. We didn't see it coming. There was no sign we could have looked out for. She'd just gotten her battery changed in her pace maker and it went perfectly. She was feeling good and had energy. I didn't for a moment think it would happen so soon. I honestly believed there would be another decade or more with her. It sunk me into a pretty good sadness. I'm still not sure I've coped with everything involving her death. Then, I'm not always the best at reading myself. Or worse, I think I am reading myself and it'll be completely wrong. So, honestly, your guess is as good as mine on whether I've effectively mourned or not. I know there were a good many days where it felt like I could barely work and come home and want to do nothing. I didn't wish to die, but you know "Birches" by Robert Frost? It says he'd like to get away for a while, but may no one half understand and grant death to him. That. That is what I was feeling. I wanted to just not be for a little bit. Other times I cried and it would hit me out of nowhere. Now, I don't cry much... sometimes I block it out of my mind entirely. Others I feel numb about it.
I also go through spurts of feeling incredibly lonely. Being quarantined has definitely made that a bit more difficult and more prevalent. Yet, I know I don't even have it as bad as some. I am an essential worker so I go to work everyday and get human interaction. Though, most of it is certainly not positive. Mostly I deal with people yelling about wait times and just wanting to yell at strangers in general. Still, it could be worse. I am working and getting paid so it's hard to really complain.
I also am back in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend which is a struggle. It's hard only being able to talk on the phone and with all this going on... well, there's a lot less to talk about. We're both doing the same thing every day so the conversation gets stale at times. It can be frustrating. We've had disagreements on finances and about precise word choice lately. Which adds to the fuel. So that's been a struggle.
Then, finally, there is my view of my job life. I've been struggling with this aspect for a while. For me to feel happy and fulfilled I need to work in a job where it feels like I'm helping people. Some in my field believe we do. Perhaps it's true, but it isn't the kind of helping that feels like it makes a difference. Especially with the negative customer interactions I end up receiving. Plus in my section I don't really do anything to help them. I do base-level interactions that are the same every day. I got bored shortly after learning the job. I've fought to move up and I would have, but instead I had to move back home to help out. I feel so unfulfilled and frustrated. When I transferred I went from feeling like I was trusted and a member of the team to this new place where I'm constantly being watched (not just me, everyone), told I'm not talking right (I'll say the same thing, but because I don't use the exact same words they would use, it's wrong), constantly micromanaged, you ask to go to the bathroom, you're not trusted to take your break correctly so you have to record it, things I was trusted to do before now require a list and signing off saying I did it, lists for everything, etc. There is no room for responsibility or growth. Granted my old job before I got into this career paid next to nothing, certainly not a living wage, I left knowing I was helping teenagers. I was teaching them not just content, but also skills to achieve in life. I was helping them up their writing skills, reading skills, I was teaching them about life through master works of literature, and I was having amazing interactions with people. I was building relationships and everyday was different. It was challenging at times, but it was rewarding. I got along with my colleagues, I was valued and trusted, and I made friends in my coworkers. People I still count as friends today. I miss those feelings.
Which leads to why this card matters today.
I've been trying to figure out how I can improve my life and my sense of self. I am someone that needs to help people in my core. I am an ENFJ - a teacher, a giver, and a carer. It is inherent in me to help others. I need that in order to be happy and to feel complete.
I am under the impression that I won't get to teach. It is apparently not in the cards for me as I've been applying for over eight years and can never get hired over veteran teachers (which I mean, is fair). I am finally at a point to come to terms with that fact. Maybe teaching isn't the path I am supposed to take in life.
There are other options to fulfill what I believe is my purpose. I'm looking into starting graduate school for Clinical Social Work. If I'm being honest, I didn't know during my undergrad studies that Social Work was more than CPS or adoption agencies. My only information about it was from A Child Called It which, admittedly, had me wanting to look into social work when I was in middle school but decided to go with my lifelong dream of being an English Teacher instead when it came time for college. I always thought maybe my interest in Social Work was fleeting, but it was before I realized what a wide array of fields and jobs it encompasses. It could lead to so many different types of helping and teaching. It sounds like it involves all the things I value and the things I've always wanted to do. Plus, if I really want to be in schools - I could be a school counselor and teacher. My teaching license hasn't lapsed. Maybe that could get me in the door to teaching or maybe I'll love being a clinical social worker and want to stay in a therapy position. I'm not sure. But it's a start to find a new path for myself - a new beginning that I feel deep inside I need for myself.
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