+ Home +

Day 2: What Place Do You Consider Home?

Home isn't really a place for me these days. I've always struggled with the meaning of "home" mostly because I've always had a hard time feeling connected. 

There are places I've had a roof and have survived, but there's not many places I've felt I could be myself and call home.

My childhood could be described as a struggle at best. In some ways I had an extraordinary childhood, but others it was bleak.

While my parents had the funds to let me do a lot: Gymnastics, ballet, tap, jazz, soccer, violin, etc. It was a far cry from perfection. 

I have been the outsider my entire life. I preferred isolation the older I got because it meant I would finally not be beaten, I would finally not be yelled at, I wouldn't be blamed for everything going wrong. I wouldn't have bruises to hide from teachers. The more invisible I could become the safer I was. My self worth was always challenged because I was told how worthless I was and could never do anything right. It's hard to have confidence in myself at times because these voices have never really left my head.

My college town became a kind of home because it was the first place I had to start over. I didn't have my family in my business or telling me how worthless I was. I was happy for a time,  but even that was never a true home. It would never become permanent as I could never survive there on my own in financial independence. It did bring me amazing memories and experiences, though. It left me begin to forge my identity.

My home these days has become a person. Wherever he is feels more like a home to me than any physical place ever has. He's my kindred spirit in so many ways. His past has mirrored mine in some fundamental ways. Our struggles and hardships have mirrored in our pasts. As a result he understands me in ways I never believed possible. He accepts me for all that I am, can be, and will be. In his arms I feel safe and happy. As if things are how they're meant to be and everything is right with the world. 

He is what I hope my future to be - full of laughter, silliness, love, and peace of mind. 

Wherever he is I will happily follow and build a home. With me, he'll be loved and adored. I want to dote on him and make him feel wanted, loved, and adored just like he makes me feel everyday. 

+ Winter Days +

Everyone has those months where past tells us nothing good can possibly spawn from them. For me those months have always been winter ones. All my grandparents died on a November (both of my Dad's parents 12 years and three days apart), December, and January. Since 2004 I've always been edgy during these months. I tend to be anxious and nervous, as if I'm waiting for another loved one to leave or some other tragedy to strike.

Snow brings in me gloom and foreboding. I know many say it's beautiful and lovely. Somewhere along the way it turned to dread in me. And fog? Forget it. The morning my paternal grandmother died the mist curled along as I walked clinging to me and pulling me into a crestfallen mood.

You'd think I would get over it, but it's entangled in me. It clings to me like a desperate lover.

Perhaps that's why I always feel so lonely this time of year. I tend to miss my grandparents and wonder what they'd think of me, especially Nana. Would she be proud I'm first to graduate? Or ashamed I'm still not employed in the job I've always thought I'd have by now.

It brings about reflection and not always the positive kind. Lately I've been wondering if the job I always dreamed I'd have is nothing but a utopian dream. Full of lies I'd fed myself since I was 13.

I always believed being a teacher means educating and helping teens. I always dreamed I'd help teach them to think for themselves and be strong. To let them know they can do anything, be anything they want, and get anything they work for in life. I thought I'd make a difference and though not rich, at least be able to support myself. None of that has come to pass...and I don't believe that's what teachers do anymore. I think the more I work in schools the more aware I become my dream job is nothing but a myth and utopian idea educators wish for but can't find. 

Even with an education I can't get a job I can support myself with. So how can I lie to students that they can do what so many others haven't been able to do?

See the darkness my mind wanders to in these months? Yet I wonder if it's just the snow...part of me feels like the winter is when dreams fade and reality sets in to awaken me.

+ I Always Thought Life at Twenty-Four Would Be So Much Different +

I always thought I'd be in a much different place in my life by the time I reached this age. I never would have believed I'd feel like such a failure. All the goals I'd set for myself have refused to go my way. I said earlier that life has screwed me. To which I got a snarky response of, "That's the problem with your generation. It's life's fault. You kids really believe that".

I don't necessarily believe that "life" has screwed me, but I do honestly feel cheated living in this time period at times. Things aren't easy, and I feel like no matter how much work or effort I put in I still won't succeed. I feel like no one in this world wants the individual to achieve anything anymore. No matter what I do... I can't move forward. Don't mistake me, I'm still trying. God, am I trying. I just don't see it actually going anywhere for me. I'm observing myself not moving forward but stuck in the same place.

I always believed by the time I was 24 I would have been working two years in the job I graduated college with the intent of having. In my case, a teacher. I honestly always believed I'd have two years of teaching under my belt by the time I was 24. There was no question or doubt in my mind. You go to college. You get the job you apply for that fits your degree. You work. Done.

I never dreamed that jobs wouldn't be available. When I started Freshman year of college I was told there was a very short supply of English teachers. There was talk of combining grades my last year of high school. Somehow in those four years though an abundance of teachers came out of the wood work and we have excess. Worse than that we have excess veteran teachers that get the jobs leaving us without experience stuck unable to get experience because you need experience to get experience. Awesome.

I always believed by the time I was 24 I would have my own place and I'd know where I want to live. At the very least I would be living in a house/apartment of my own. I just never thought I'd be living with my parents again. That just never registered as possible in my mind. You just don't do that. Yet here I am. In the same room I've lived for 19 years of my life. My room that was too small then and has only gotten smaller as I've aged. I think the only room tinier than mine is Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs.

And yet every time I try to get rid of things I find I have trouble letting go. I have no idea why I have such an attachment to material things. And maybe it's less of a material attachment and more of the fact I just get stuck because there's so much stuff I just don't know where to start. And to be honest the majority of it is clothes that still fit and I wear. I have trouble letting them go because it took a while to acquire my clothing and they're not ratty or ill-fitting there's just little clothing space so it looks like a huge mess of clutter...when it just has no place to go. Seriously my hangers are so close together with clothes that I physically can't fit another hanger up and there are still piles of clothes. Neatly folded and clean even.

I thought I would have an apartment or house to put my clothes, kitchen stuff, couches, books, dvds, bookshelves, etc.

The lamest thing? I don't qualify for low-income housing even though I don't make enough money a month to pay any rent in town. I've thoroughly searched. It's pretty awesome. I don't make enough to have roommates because I couldn't afford utilities or anything else. All because I decided to work the closest thing to my field as possible. All personnel are considered so worthless the jobs can't be the sole income because you couldn't survive.

I know I'm lucky that my parents let me live with them, but I would like to be independent.

I also always thought by the time I was 24 I would have someone in my life that I was kind of serious with. I never really pictured myself being married by the time I was 24, but dating or possible engaged? Yeah, I always thought that. I thought I might even be living with a significant other - no such luck.

Instead I'm a 24, single, employed-but-highly-taken-for-granted-gets-physically-smacked-around-for-nothing, living at home, graduate that doubts a college degree is worth anything. If students were to ask me today if I think a college degree is worth it I would have to say no. I don't see it helping me one bit. The jobs I've acquired since graduating college I could have gotten without ever going to college. The degree possibly made it easier to get hired, but I think I still would have gotten my jobs.

I just always thought a degree meant you'd be successful. I thought that work counted for something. Now I'm not so sure. I'm 24 and I feel old and worthless. I feel like a drain on everyone I know and that I am stuck in a cycle of failure.

And I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like bagging a job that pays enough to support yourself is all luck and no skill/work. The work I put in and my loyalty counts for nothing.

+ This Is All That I'm Certain Of +

God knows my future is nothing but question marks.

I have no idea if I'll get an interview for the teaching jobs that are available in my town. So I don't actually know if I'll get to teach or not next year.

The problem is I don't even know if that is what I want anymore. I hope that's just the almost-end-of-the-year burnout talking. If not then I wasted a lot of time and money on my degree. 

I work with kids that are all behavior. I don't actually get to teach at all. I have vague memories of enjoying student teaching, but two years have passed and I'm left with only memories of burnout from subbing and aiding. You want fun try subbing and not hating everything by the end of it. Don't forget the lice. 

The love is sizzling out as all I'm left with are the headaches of managing impossible behaviors with none of the fun or reward of teaching. I just get backtalk and disrespect from students that think I'm nothing.

And maybe I am nothing. Maybe I don't actually matter and maybe I'll never make a difference to the education world like I always dreamed, but a chance would be nice. And yet I know in life nothing is guaranteed or promised. The world owes me nothing. 

I don't even know what I really want with my life anymore. I just know I want my own home that I can decorate... preferably with a huge library, wine cellar, and that looks like a castle. 

A nice male I could hang out with would also be a plus, but I probably want the castle - home more.

Why can't I just win the lottery? Then I could just decorate/build a home, travel a lot, get more degrees, and adopt some surly teenagers to call my own and give a home and positive future to. I feel like that's not too much to ask for. 

+ What Do I Do with Choices? +

Dercetus called me tonight. My first thought was, "Awesome, they're drunk. This is going to be interesting".

Actually this time they weren't drunk dialing me. Instead Dercetus called me to tell me one of them really is moving out come Summer and as we'd talked about they still want me to be the replacement roomie.

See, the thing is Dercetus knows I'm unhappy with my home life. I run to them every chance I get. Partially because I adore them and partially because getting away is always good. Seriously. 

It's ridiculous how much I want to drop everything and move in with the guys. Frankly I can't think of anything that's made me happier in a long time. Other than maybe my September visit to their place. It's terrifying how appealing I find this.

Except I'm scared. God am I scared.

I hate the idea of moving without being sure I have a job lined up. A job I can comfortably afford rent, my car payment, gas, utilities, etc. Oh god...that already seems astronomical to me...especially if I'm thinking about taking classes, too.

I'm also sad thinking about having to leave my work friends. I adore two of the women in particular and hate the idea of not seeing them (or some of the kiddos) again.

Then there's Viola and Ali. I really hate the idea of not getting to see them randomly on a week night.

And the leaving of the Rents and the dog again.

I think what sucks so bad is I'm horrible at making decisions. I don't like choices. I don't like the unknown. I hate that nothing is guaranteed, promised, or permanent. I just wish I knew what to do.

I feel so lost in life all the time.

I have no clue. About anything. What do I even want to do with my life!?

+ Why I Can't Afford to Teach +

Every time I put real thought into the likelihood of my future as a teacher I have to sit and wonder. Mostly, I wonder: Why? Why, indeed, there is even an article that explains much of this.

Why would I ever want to kill myself trying to do something that, yes I love, but will never be something that will allow me to support myself? There's no way I'll be able to afford to live comfortably and be a teacher. Heck I certainly knew it wasn't anything that I would make the big bucks at, but I always thought that it would at least allow me to not live quite paycheck to paycheck. I'm slowly realizing that even that is probably not feasible. I'll always be working to make ends meet. Unless I marry rich. Haha - as if!

I want to be able to teach, but all I see everyday are students that are cocky and know everything already. Homework? "I don't need to do that to pass the course - teachers can't afford to have zeros in their grade books. They'll back out of my zero". And you know what? Those students are right. The students learn they can get by doing the very least amount of work and do just fine. Why would you teach skills for the students to learn? Such as not procrastinating (as much), doing their best effort, joy of lifelong learning, and knowing that you can't keep a job (or grade) without doing the work involved. Those are things that are imperative for students to learn, but more and more just aren't gaining those lessons because teachers are too afraid for their own jobs to teach those lessons. Students can't get zeros (Even if they earn them fair and square)! Why teach things that make the subject fun? There's a standardized test that is in only five months! Must shove as much grammar, math, and vocabulary down their throat as possible as I watch their eyes glaze over and I know they aren't listening anyway.

The politics and nepotism in schools is enough to give any new teacher whiplash and fear. I can't get interviews or even hear back from any school unless it's for jobs I haven't even applied for. School districts don't want to hire new teachers. They would rather give false hopes to newbies in hopes they'll take the jobs no veteran teacher would ever think to accept (aides, title 1, substitute teaching, etc.). Veteran teachers know better, while newbies don't. I certainly didn't. I've foolishly been thinking that maybe this would be a foot in the door, but more and more veteran teachers keep telling me that this is actually the kiss of death for a teaching career in this town. How helpful.

What school districts don't realize is this creates such a huge burnout in new teachers. I see all of these things that proves to me I might be making the biggest mistake ever wanting to teach. I see that I have to fear the grades I put in my grade book, even if those students earn a low grade. I can't give them one. I have to watch as I am told my methods are wrong and my novels can't be taught because they have been banned by faceless ghosts yelling "this is trash". I have to fear students who feel wronged and decide to bring guns to school to kill me for lessons I chose to teach or because students were being bullies and they want revenge. While not being allowed to teach those kinds of literature that bring light to the horrors of those situations to allow discussions and compassion for both sides.

I already feel burned out on teaching and I'm not even a real teacher yet. Everyone likes to throw that one in my face. My degree is a worthless piece of paper. I'm not a teacher. I don't have my own classroom so I'm nothing and my opinions don't matter.

I am less than the lowliest totem on the totem pole... even though I have a degree in this subject and have been in the school since I graduated. I might as well not even be qualified for anything. Thanks faceless teachers putting me in my place, also thank you for pointing out I look just like the students. That never gets old.

I guess I just struggle knowing if this is what I want with me life. Maybe if I could be given a chance to teach I'd feel differently. Right now I just want to escape this choice I made because it feels so much like the wrong path in life. The thing is this is what I've wanted to do since forever - I have no idea what else I would do with my life if not this. I mean besides write. I've secretly always wanted to be a novelist, too.

+ WHAT DO I DO!? +

My goodness, how do people live with existential crises!? Seriously, in case you're wondering here's some information on existential depression in gifted children. Mostly it's just a really interesting topic.

I feel like every few minutes when I'm thinking about what I want to do with my life a new idea is popping into my head.

Maybe I should go back to college and get a Masters in English? I mean it would open up more career opportunities in the writing and english field. That can only make sense, right? RIGHT~!?

What about just moving back to my old college town and getting whatever full time job I can muster and live with some friends and just kind of save up and ponder life? That's not wasting time or money, right? RIGHT~!? UGH!

You know what, the peace corps! Best idea ever. I've always wanted to travel to a new country and get lost in a culture unknown to me. Clearly a good choice. Who doesn't want to go to Albania. Right?

Maybe I should just apply for all the jobs that are even remotely close English/teaching? That can't go wrong, right?

What if I just move to a random state and become a hermit?

Backpack through Europe?

Become a professional blogger?

Youtuber?

What if I just kind of review everything online?

What if I just... get a menial job and wonder where my life went?

OH GOD, THE CHOICES!?

Yeah, that's definitely the chorus of things that go through my mind on a regular basis with this whole existential crises thing. It's exhausting. It's annoying. And it still leaves me with basically no answers. I've seriously looked into the Peace Corps for a few years and each time I'm left uncertain and terrified.

+ Fish Three and POF Update +

So, for some unknown reason I haven't completely given up talking to people on POF. I mean, it's few and far between. I don't respond, but like once a week at best. Though there were some that I text every now and then. I still don't meet many people at all. Mostly because the idea still terrifies me. Mostly because meeting people from the internet always seems iffy to me and isn't something to take lightly.

There was one guy who became super intense and clingy that totally scared me off and that I never met up with and have pretty much no intention of meeting up with. A few other random males that I chatted up now and then.

Fish three, whom I met the other day, was kind of clingy. Texting me quite a bit, unlike most males, though it was a little more than I'd expected. We never really went on a date really, just had a couple encounters. We met up at a local movie/book/game store in town and just kind of wandered talking.

My favorite part was all the random interjections from strangers. One of us would make a comment on something and a stranger would overhear and say something about it, "Duuude! Best movie ever! -Ferngully". Fish three responded with, "I don't remember it, I think I've seen it". I was just like, "Buuuut, it's a classic! Who could forget the batty rap!?" And a random male's injection, "Batty rap is awesome!"

And the best interjection of the night was when I spotted a copy of the Goonies, "The Goonies!" and a random guy responded with, "Hell yeah, Goonies!" and proceeded to try and walk by Fish three and myself. So, I moved to try to get out of the way only to almost trip over fish three, and the random stranger responded with, "Hey, you're still alive!". To which I prepared to respond with something witty thinking he was making fun of my almost very-ungraceful-fall. Only to discover it was actually a male from my past. To which I yelled oh my god and hugged him as if I hadn't seen him in years, which I hadn't. And I introduced fish three and male from my past to be polite and then proceeded to slightly leave fish three out of the conversation as we were catching up. A bit rude, and I did apologize to fish three - but I didn't want to be rude to my old friend.

Fish three and I looked through music to which every place he stopped a boy band cropped up around him - very laugh inducing. We ended up walking around downtown because it was late and nothing was really available to do so we talked a bit. Then went on a drive and sang along to my random DJ-ing. Then I took him home.

Overall he was an okay guy. Nothing against him, but I have to admit Fish Two is still on my mind. I can't really help it. Which may or may not have contributed to the lack of chemistry between Fish Three and myself. I have no idea.

I ended up seeing Fish three again the next night and just hung out while he cleaned. Then watched him and a friend play guitar hero. And by that point I was passing out.

Today he mentions wanting to hang out, that he wants to ask me something in person, and then it got late. And he says he wants his ex back. I'm not sure if it was a line, if I just am horrible at keeping guys interested, or what... but it was kind of surprising considering he had been a stage five clinger for the week or two since we'd been texting. I just don't know - to be fair though... it made my life easier because I was trying to figure out how I could avoid him moving so fast. Plus, I'm horrible at telling people how I feel, especially if it's that I don't have feelings back for someone. In some ways it pretty much saved me from being the bad guy which I have to admit was a huge relief.

But on the other hand it just makes me question what in the world is wrong with me. How can I fail with so many men? Is it me? I have no idea what I'm doing wrong - or maybe I'm not doing anything wrong and it's the Cosmos' way of telling me I'm being stupid and need to chill the eff out and stop bothering and let things happen.

In a perfect world - I would be with Fish Two right now and wouldn't be questioning where I stand. But if I'm questioning things it probably means he's not interested. So it goes. It just can get pretty old, you know? It'd be nice if for once, just once, someone I have feelings for didn't dick with me and was just straight forward. Preferably had some semblance of feelings back. What the hell do I know?

+ Maybe He Missed Me? +

I absolutely love it when someone you've been thinking of all day happens to text you out of the blue - but I hate that because you're excited you got a text you respond right away and then freak out because "omg, how could I text him back that quickly!? It totally makes you seem overeager! oh god, oh god!" 

Yeah - I totally think like that on a regular basis. Now I'm totally kicking myself because I seemed overeager and therefore crazy. God. 

It's not totally my fault, though. I just fancy this guy because he's been interesting, amusing, and nice to me. I like talking to him and being around him. I also really dig that he texted me tonight because I was beginning to think I was totally stupid for entertaining ideas about us - despite having been on a date with him and hanging out with him another time. 

I just typically have a way of screwing myself over and being interested in guys that don't really respect or care about me. I fool myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe I'm wrong and the guy really does care. In his own way. Typically I just am being stupid though because I care too much. 

I would really like for that to not be the case with this one, though. Mostly because I'm just sick of wanting guys that are jerks - and I'd really love for this one to not be a jerk. I'd like, just once, for this to work out in my favor. This guy is one I like being around. 

If you know anything about my last six months or so you'd know that the idea of holding hands with a significant other really creeps me out at this point. I was with a lot of kids that would hold my hand and a lot of working with children and would get saliva, snot, etc. on me from kids holding my hands and/or hugging me. So to say what I'm about to say is kind of a big deal - I never thought I'd be okay with a guy holding my hand again because of all my previous exposure recently, but... 

When this guy holds my hand... I don't know how to explain it. I just like when he holds my hand. I like when out of nowhere he pulls me into his arms so I'm laying on his chest and he just holds me. I like that things aren't so awkward between us anymore. Our first encounter was pretty awkward - at least from my perspective. Our kissing was awkward, though he never seemed to notice. I like when he teases me and when he kisses me. 

I want a chance to show him maybe all ladies aren't the same - and I want him to be happy no matter what that means. However, I'd prefer that he be happy with me. I guess I just want a real chance with a guy who isn't just trying to use me or toy with me. So far he doesn't seem the type. I just wish we'd talk more. I wish I could see him more. And I wish I for sure knew where I stood with him. What my chances were so to speak. 

To be fair though, when I texted him and asked if he was just busy or if he'd just lost interest in me. He texted back right away saying how he was busy, and explaining how he was busy. I said that was cool, busy I totally understand and was just checking. He seemed like he was being sincere and didn't want me to leave him alone. And he was first to text me since then. Maybe there is a chance? 

God. I don't know. I just wish I'd know. I hate not knowing things. It drives me bonkers. 

+ The S'cow and Uni +

So, every once in a while, like today, I find myself missing the heck out of this place. Yeah, sometimes nostalgia takes hold and I miss what's in the past. And it's so weird being here and not having a place to call mine anymore. It's weird that I don't spend nine months here every year now.

Maybe it's that I got to hang with the old Boss-man that's bringin' some of this on, but seriously I wouldn't mind adding on to my degree, and getting to come back here. I'd probably take some time to have a life and fun this time, though. I just miss some aspects of my life that was spent here- mostly people. Let's face it, I met some pretty fantastic people in my time here. Some I still am close with- others total strangers. Yet they all helped me find myself all over again.

I know I've been graduated for a year, but that still blows my mind. It doesn't feel like it should be that long yet. If I could honestly do anything with my life- as in the sky really is the limit- I would definitely be okay with being a professional student. How awesome would it be to just get to be a scholar? Take ALL THE CLASSES! Learn ALL THE THINGS!!! And just meet new people all the time and possibly be a traveling scholar. Studying abroad and stuff!?

Why can't that job still exist? The Greeks were all about the scholars.

I think part of the appeal of coming back is I have no idea what is to come for me. There's no job set in stone for me next year, there's possibilities. Endless possibilities with no certainties. And I think that terrifies me most. I'd like to know what's going to happen. Like where I'll be come Fall.