+ So If You're Lonely... +

It's been over a year and I'm still of the same opinion of Texas. There are 49 better states. After all this time the single pro is the few people I love that are here. My boyfriend being one.

But I struggle here. I'm fading away and forgetting who I am and what I want. I feel stuck and like my life is on hold. I'm moving nowhere. I'm accomplishing nothing. I'm lonely and sad.

I have nothing to look forward to in my daily life. Just an abyss of things I find unpleasant. I work at a job that is easy and lacking challenges. Every day is the same and unfulfilling. I miss the challenges of teaching and the way that even on the most difficult days it felt like what I did mattered. It wasn't just a job, it was who I am. I never asked myself I smiled enough or pretended to care about how this stranger's day was so I could maybe turn them into a number logged into a machine that told them I was working. But, yes, Texas you are giving me 66% more money (but wait there's more!) and larger bills I can't afford!

So. I go to work everyday at a job I hate and pretend it's great. I smile and say all the right things. I laugh at my coworkers jokes and say "yeah, I had a great weekend so glad I'm back". Hoping one of them might form a genuine connection with me and let me gain a friend to no avail. So I pretend everything's perfect and do my job and hate it every minute. Where I go home and wish and yearn for connection and love. But I feel empty inside.

Boyfriend also works and goes to school. We get little to no time together. Usually when I get off work he's headed to night classes and then he comes home, asks me what's for dinner and then leaves to do homework. I go to bed and he stays up doing homework.

We both have Sundays off. But we've made sure we don't get alone time together. We have magic or d&d or Pokemon Go to do with people. More people that I smile to and pretend everything's perfect while I want to cry and wish for connection.

I feel so alone. And when I bring it up to boyfriend that I feel lonely and can't figure out why he doesn't want to spend time with just me he tells me we always fight and who wants to spend time with that? So other people is better and easier. And then I wish I could be different. I wish I were happy like I used to be. Then I remember I had friends and genuine connection and that he had loved me and made all these promises to me. He was different, too. He wanted me then. I had things I loved to do. I had a life of my own. I loved going to my gym. I loved hiking. I had family and friends that loved me fiercely. I had things I did. I didn't have to tag along with boyfriend when hanging out with his friends to have human interaction.

I miss who I used to be. I miss my home. I miss not feeling empty. I miss not hating Mondays. I miss not hating my job. I miss not feeling so lonely I want to hide from the world.

+ Struggle Bussing +

Day 8: Write about something you struggle with.

I feel like lately I've focused quite a bit on my struggles. I showed my hand with the demons that torment my mind in the article I got published on thought catalog. I shared my struggle a bit with having to say goodbye to the guy I was dating that I fell ridiculously hard for. I talked a bit about my struggle with my self worth that always ebbs and flows. To be honest I have a lot of struggles in life. I think that's the biggest human condition - fighting for self-identity, their place in the world, and all the baggage they pick up along the way.

Right now one of my struggles is trying to be independent in this world. I yearn to be able to take care of myself. However, this town isn't one made for people starting their careers. There's very few opportunities and none at entry levels. If you are to succeed you better be a veteran in some field and have made a name for yourself as you raise your children. Those demographics can make it here and live comfortably.

If, however, you are newly graduated trying to start a career there's not a lot going on. To be fair, it's not a big city. It's the PNW. While it's beautiful here and has lots of rivers and lakes there's little jobs and too many people fighting for them. I've never been without a job, but I've also never had a job that paid a living wage that allows me to live on my own or even with roommates. My car payment takes about 40% of my monthly income right off the top before I've done anything else. I have maybe $100 a month not accounted for. If I didn't live with my parents I would be homeless and I work full time.

I'm slowly having to face the very real possibility that if I ever want to succeed in any way I'll have to move somewhere else. That's a struggle in and of itself. I hate the idea of having to leave the people I care about - I've forged friendships at my job after the four years I've been here, I've grown ties with my students after multiple years helping teach them, I grew up here and still have childhood friends and classmates in town, the fly fishing club I grew up in is here and I've grown with these men and women, and my parents are still here. I have a lot of ties to people that anchor me to this town.

I grew up on the rivers here. Through fly fishing I gained a bond with my dad no one else in the family has. The waters and forests here feel like home to me and leaving them will feel like I am missing a part of myself. I love freshwater and trout. I'm not an ocean and sand girl, but that is likely going to have to change if I ever want to have a real go at life.

I think the other real struggle is that I am afraid to leave. You might as well call me "Sam-Wise", I'm afraid to step too far off the Shire land. I'm afraid to fail so far from home. I'm afraid I won't be able to get a job in the new place. I'm afraid of not being able to pay my bills, as if that's the worst thing in the world. I'm afraid I'll move and hate it because I'm alone. I'm afraid I won't see my friends again or that we'll lose touch so much they won't be my friends anymore... I'm afraid I'll leave and my parents will die without me seeing them again- a complex they've given me by mentioning how their days are numbered on a daily basis for the last ten years.

I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid to take those first steps. I'm afraid I'll always be a failure.

Obi-Wan thinks I will have a job the second I join him in his home. He thinks it will be that easy and automatic. If that's true... I guess I'll have to try. I should get serious and prepare for a new adventure...