+ Education System in US +

Day 10: Write about something for which you feel strongly.

I feel intensely strong about the educational system in the US.

There are a lot of things that could be improved upon. However, there are things that are being done correctly, too.

Standardized testing is perhaps the worst thing to be done to education in a long time. It takes students that have been so over tested their entire lives and ensures that they get tested even more. It takes teachers that have a passion for the content and makes it so they can't focus on content or what actually matters to students, so they can focus on useless information some random person decided was important. This makes both the teachers and students miserable, but then they also use those test scores to rate how teachers are doing their job. Nevermind the fact some kids legitimately click through the tests to get it done with because they've been so over trusted they don't care anymore. That sounds like a fair go.

+ Winter Days +

Everyone has those months where past tells us nothing good can possibly spawn from them. For me those months have always been winter ones. All my grandparents died on a November (both of my Dad's parents 12 years and three days apart), December, and January. Since 2004 I've always been edgy during these months. I tend to be anxious and nervous, as if I'm waiting for another loved one to leave or some other tragedy to strike.

Snow brings in me gloom and foreboding. I know many say it's beautiful and lovely. Somewhere along the way it turned to dread in me. And fog? Forget it. The morning my paternal grandmother died the mist curled along as I walked clinging to me and pulling me into a crestfallen mood.

You'd think I would get over it, but it's entangled in me. It clings to me like a desperate lover.

Perhaps that's why I always feel so lonely this time of year. I tend to miss my grandparents and wonder what they'd think of me, especially Nana. Would she be proud I'm first to graduate? Or ashamed I'm still not employed in the job I've always thought I'd have by now.

It brings about reflection and not always the positive kind. Lately I've been wondering if the job I always dreamed I'd have is nothing but a utopian dream. Full of lies I'd fed myself since I was 13.

I always believed being a teacher means educating and helping teens. I always dreamed I'd help teach them to think for themselves and be strong. To let them know they can do anything, be anything they want, and get anything they work for in life. I thought I'd make a difference and though not rich, at least be able to support myself. None of that has come to pass...and I don't believe that's what teachers do anymore. I think the more I work in schools the more aware I become my dream job is nothing but a myth and utopian idea educators wish for but can't find. 

Even with an education I can't get a job I can support myself with. So how can I lie to students that they can do what so many others haven't been able to do?

See the darkness my mind wanders to in these months? Yet I wonder if it's just the snow...part of me feels like the winter is when dreams fade and reality sets in to awaken me.

+ I Always Thought Life at Twenty-Four Would Be So Much Different +

I always thought I'd be in a much different place in my life by the time I reached this age. I never would have believed I'd feel like such a failure. All the goals I'd set for myself have refused to go my way. I said earlier that life has screwed me. To which I got a snarky response of, "That's the problem with your generation. It's life's fault. You kids really believe that".

I don't necessarily believe that "life" has screwed me, but I do honestly feel cheated living in this time period at times. Things aren't easy, and I feel like no matter how much work or effort I put in I still won't succeed. I feel like no one in this world wants the individual to achieve anything anymore. No matter what I do... I can't move forward. Don't mistake me, I'm still trying. God, am I trying. I just don't see it actually going anywhere for me. I'm observing myself not moving forward but stuck in the same place.

I always believed by the time I was 24 I would have been working two years in the job I graduated college with the intent of having. In my case, a teacher. I honestly always believed I'd have two years of teaching under my belt by the time I was 24. There was no question or doubt in my mind. You go to college. You get the job you apply for that fits your degree. You work. Done.

I never dreamed that jobs wouldn't be available. When I started Freshman year of college I was told there was a very short supply of English teachers. There was talk of combining grades my last year of high school. Somehow in those four years though an abundance of teachers came out of the wood work and we have excess. Worse than that we have excess veteran teachers that get the jobs leaving us without experience stuck unable to get experience because you need experience to get experience. Awesome.

I always believed by the time I was 24 I would have my own place and I'd know where I want to live. At the very least I would be living in a house/apartment of my own. I just never thought I'd be living with my parents again. That just never registered as possible in my mind. You just don't do that. Yet here I am. In the same room I've lived for 19 years of my life. My room that was too small then and has only gotten smaller as I've aged. I think the only room tinier than mine is Harry Potter's cupboard under the stairs.

And yet every time I try to get rid of things I find I have trouble letting go. I have no idea why I have such an attachment to material things. And maybe it's less of a material attachment and more of the fact I just get stuck because there's so much stuff I just don't know where to start. And to be honest the majority of it is clothes that still fit and I wear. I have trouble letting them go because it took a while to acquire my clothing and they're not ratty or ill-fitting there's just little clothing space so it looks like a huge mess of clutter...when it just has no place to go. Seriously my hangers are so close together with clothes that I physically can't fit another hanger up and there are still piles of clothes. Neatly folded and clean even.

I thought I would have an apartment or house to put my clothes, kitchen stuff, couches, books, dvds, bookshelves, etc.

The lamest thing? I don't qualify for low-income housing even though I don't make enough money a month to pay any rent in town. I've thoroughly searched. It's pretty awesome. I don't make enough to have roommates because I couldn't afford utilities or anything else. All because I decided to work the closest thing to my field as possible. All personnel are considered so worthless the jobs can't be the sole income because you couldn't survive.

I know I'm lucky that my parents let me live with them, but I would like to be independent.

I also always thought by the time I was 24 I would have someone in my life that I was kind of serious with. I never really pictured myself being married by the time I was 24, but dating or possible engaged? Yeah, I always thought that. I thought I might even be living with a significant other - no such luck.

Instead I'm a 24, single, employed-but-highly-taken-for-granted-gets-physically-smacked-around-for-nothing, living at home, graduate that doubts a college degree is worth anything. If students were to ask me today if I think a college degree is worth it I would have to say no. I don't see it helping me one bit. The jobs I've acquired since graduating college I could have gotten without ever going to college. The degree possibly made it easier to get hired, but I think I still would have gotten my jobs.

I just always thought a degree meant you'd be successful. I thought that work counted for something. Now I'm not so sure. I'm 24 and I feel old and worthless. I feel like a drain on everyone I know and that I am stuck in a cycle of failure.

And I have no idea what I'm doing wrong.

I feel like bagging a job that pays enough to support yourself is all luck and no skill/work. The work I put in and my loyalty counts for nothing.

+ Why I Can't Afford to Teach +

Every time I put real thought into the likelihood of my future as a teacher I have to sit and wonder. Mostly, I wonder: Why? Why, indeed, there is even an article that explains much of this.

Why would I ever want to kill myself trying to do something that, yes I love, but will never be something that will allow me to support myself? There's no way I'll be able to afford to live comfortably and be a teacher. Heck I certainly knew it wasn't anything that I would make the big bucks at, but I always thought that it would at least allow me to not live quite paycheck to paycheck. I'm slowly realizing that even that is probably not feasible. I'll always be working to make ends meet. Unless I marry rich. Haha - as if!

I want to be able to teach, but all I see everyday are students that are cocky and know everything already. Homework? "I don't need to do that to pass the course - teachers can't afford to have zeros in their grade books. They'll back out of my zero". And you know what? Those students are right. The students learn they can get by doing the very least amount of work and do just fine. Why would you teach skills for the students to learn? Such as not procrastinating (as much), doing their best effort, joy of lifelong learning, and knowing that you can't keep a job (or grade) without doing the work involved. Those are things that are imperative for students to learn, but more and more just aren't gaining those lessons because teachers are too afraid for their own jobs to teach those lessons. Students can't get zeros (Even if they earn them fair and square)! Why teach things that make the subject fun? There's a standardized test that is in only five months! Must shove as much grammar, math, and vocabulary down their throat as possible as I watch their eyes glaze over and I know they aren't listening anyway.

The politics and nepotism in schools is enough to give any new teacher whiplash and fear. I can't get interviews or even hear back from any school unless it's for jobs I haven't even applied for. School districts don't want to hire new teachers. They would rather give false hopes to newbies in hopes they'll take the jobs no veteran teacher would ever think to accept (aides, title 1, substitute teaching, etc.). Veteran teachers know better, while newbies don't. I certainly didn't. I've foolishly been thinking that maybe this would be a foot in the door, but more and more veteran teachers keep telling me that this is actually the kiss of death for a teaching career in this town. How helpful.

What school districts don't realize is this creates such a huge burnout in new teachers. I see all of these things that proves to me I might be making the biggest mistake ever wanting to teach. I see that I have to fear the grades I put in my grade book, even if those students earn a low grade. I can't give them one. I have to watch as I am told my methods are wrong and my novels can't be taught because they have been banned by faceless ghosts yelling "this is trash". I have to fear students who feel wronged and decide to bring guns to school to kill me for lessons I chose to teach or because students were being bullies and they want revenge. While not being allowed to teach those kinds of literature that bring light to the horrors of those situations to allow discussions and compassion for both sides.

I already feel burned out on teaching and I'm not even a real teacher yet. Everyone likes to throw that one in my face. My degree is a worthless piece of paper. I'm not a teacher. I don't have my own classroom so I'm nothing and my opinions don't matter.

I am less than the lowliest totem on the totem pole... even though I have a degree in this subject and have been in the school since I graduated. I might as well not even be qualified for anything. Thanks faceless teachers putting me in my place, also thank you for pointing out I look just like the students. That never gets old.

I guess I just struggle knowing if this is what I want with me life. Maybe if I could be given a chance to teach I'd feel differently. Right now I just want to escape this choice I made because it feels so much like the wrong path in life. The thing is this is what I've wanted to do since forever - I have no idea what else I would do with my life if not this. I mean besides write. I've secretly always wanted to be a novelist, too.

+ 30 Day Book Challenge: Day 25 +

A Character You Can Relate to the Most 

Septimus Hodge. How could I not relate most to the hermit of Sidley Park? Seriously I want to be him so badly. Plus there's the whole tragedy of his character - forever chasing after all the women in the play and sleeping with them only to eventually fall for Thomasina. Except, of course, she ends up dying in a fire and he's left sad and driven half mad. He turns into the hermit of sidley park and works on all of her theories until his own death much later. 

How can I not relate to somehow who finally falls for the right person only to lose that person as soon as he realizes his feelings? That's not the story of my life at all... And it's certainly not like I want to be a hermit and live in that beautiful park. Oh... wait. Yeah, I totally do. 

Then there's the fact that Septimus is crazy brilliant and is also a teacher, not that I'm saying I'm crazy brilliant. I mean I'm reasonably intelligent when I am encouraged to be so, mostly I'm just quiet and keep thoughts to myself, unlike Septimus. I can, however, woo a man or two like Septimus can woo the ladies. ;) 

+ Head Lice~! Eeep! +

So, you are minding your own business. You scratch your scalp, as happens, because you're human. Humans itch sometimes. Then you go to a mirror and notice little white specks all up in your scalp... especially behind your ears. You check out your neck, and curses, there's a party of white spots there, too! Oh no, lice have been gettin' all up in your business!

Panic not, lovelies. For it happens, especially if you have your own kids or are around them often. Once you get passed the thoughts of how disgusting it is that creatures are living on your head, sucking up your blood, and procreating in your hair it really could be worse. It's obnoxious to get rid of, but it is doable. Allow me to help reduce your panic.

First: Don't, I repeat, don't go and buy that nasty lice shampoo with the stupid plastic comb. It will dry your hair out, strip any color you may have all up in there, and fry it beyond any repair. There are better, cheaper ways.

Second: Get your supplies!
- Olive Oil/Mayonnaise -whichever you prefer. I like Olive Oil better.
- Metal Lice Comb (Local beauty/hair stores most likely have them... Such as Sallys Beauty Supply Store)
- Plastic Shower Cap
- Lots of laundry detergent
- Ortho Home Defense: Bed Bug Spray
- Black Garbage Bags
- Vacuum, Vacuum Bags, etc.
- Apple Cider Vinegar
- Clean Towels

Third: Gather up clothes, stuffed animals, hard to wash objects, and tie them up and throw them somewhere out of the way for two weeks. This is because lice die within 72 hours without food (e.g your blood). Nits hatch 7-10 days after being laid. After 14 days all lice are dead, nits have hatched and died without food. All infected objects are now clean again! Yaaaay!

Fourth: After items that aren't needed are tied up and quarantined, gather up all washable items and begin your many loads of laundry. Wash everything that might have been near you, you might have worn, or you might have touched. This will take what feels like forever. I suggest starting with bedding and clothes you plan on wearing the next day. Chances are the laundry might take longer than a day. The laundromat is also a good option if you want to save time, but possibly more expensive.

Fifth: Warm up some olive oil (not too hot it's going on your scalp). Begin to douse it all over your hair. Don't be afraid of too much olive oil, there's no such thing. If you're a drippy, oily mess - good job, you're doing it right. Once your hair is greasier than John Travolta's in the 70s, cover it with a plastic shower cap. This needs to stay on your head 3-8 hours. Most recommended is just sleeping with oil in your hair over night. Using towels as your pillow is your best bet, otherwise it can get a little messy. Change your clothes as they may have nits/lice on them and deposit in laundry room (if you want you can take a bath before changing clothes)

Sixth: As finishing your hair will take time, continue with your laundry and get your Ortho Home Defense for bed bugs. Spray this liberally on your mattress, couches, all inside your car, office chair, any furniture that cannot be cleaned/put through the washer (I also sprayed my purse, cell phone, and desk, but I went overboard). Not your pet! Human lice stays on humans; your cuddly friends are safe. Lice don't eat animal blood.

Seventh: Get to vacuuming. Humans shed a ridiculous amount of hair daily. Your infected hair could be all over your carpet. Don't be afraid of vacuuming too much; there's no such thing. You might also want to sweep up floors that can't be vacuumed... Just a suggestion. Empty your vacuum cleaner whether it's a bag or you have a bag-less vacuum. Get all possibly infected garbage into a garbage bag and tie it up. Put that garbage bag outside! You don't want a chance of lice hiding somewhere.

Eighth: After your hair has been oiled for at least three hours begin the magical journey through combing your hair (or your family member's hair) with the tiny metal lice comb. It might tug a little and not be fun for the whole family. Be sure to have a large bowl with hot soapy water to dunk the metal comb into after each chunk of hair you comb. You'll see dead lice and nits pooling in the water. I'm sorry, it's gross, but at least they're not still in your hair! Continue until all of the hair has been combed over. Some people go over it more than once. Some also use bobby pins to twirl combed hair up and out of the way to know the ground they've covered already. I didn't do that, but I've heard it's helpful.

Ninth: After washing your hair you might consider taking a cup of apple cider vinegar mixed with four cups warm water and soak into your hair and scalp. I also dunked a kitchen towel into the mixture and wrapped around my scalp and hair and covered that with a regular towel to keep the heated vinegar mixture in. This mixture stays on your head for no less than an hour. It loosens the nits from the hair and makes it easier to remove them and it melts some of the nits. Also nicely enough vinegar removes hair product residue from your hair. It makes it feel silky and squeaky clean.

Tenth: Repeat steps eight and nine every 3-4 days until not a single nit can be found. This also ensures any nit that was missed and may have hatched somehow is killed.

Bonus: If you're really paranoid and out of control like my twenty-something year old self you might consider doing a bug bomb in your house. I did that and it might have been overkill...but at least there were no living insects to be found. Which makes me one very happy Princess Zelda.

After you're pretty sure you have ditched the lice you can use lice shield shampoo found on Amazon.com. I've heard mixed reviews. There were several products I've tried to help prevent lice since getting them. I bought a frizz-ease garnier fructis product because it had four different kinds of natural oil. The problem is if you used a lot of it, your hair looks greasy, but smells awesome.

The product I've been using daily is Fairy Tales Rosemary Repel Conditioning Spray. It's good for your hair with lots of essential oils, but doesn't make your hair look greasy. It gives you a musty pine scent, but it's refreshing smelling. And it might just give you a peace of mind, but it's made me feel loads better. This can be found on Amazon.com. I got mine at Ulta Beauty Supply store because I was impatient to use.

+ "Don't Call Me White" +

I was going to continue this later, but for whatever reason it's still in my head and still bothering me. Do you know the NOFX song "Don't Call Me White"? I feel that the song is underrated.

I'm getting relatively sick of hearing people use the word white. I'm tired of people trying to label me white. I am not white. White is an offensive label, not that many give a dang. Nor do many people see 'white' as an offensive title. Mostly if you say being called white is offensive you just get condescending looks, as if you don't have a right to say that.

I’m not any different (nor better) than anyone else because my skin is pale. I’m different as far as my environment, culture, and nature in which I grew up in, that however just means I had a different childhood. It means nothing as far as my worth as a person. People I love have still died despite my skin color. I've had some pretty awful periods of suffering...just like everyone else in the world. I'm unafraid to stand up for myself. I don't care about consequences if I believe I’m doing what’s right. I have never judged anyone based on their skin color. In my life I've made friends with people from all walks of life. If I am a jerk to you, buckle up because it means you're a poor specimen of humanity.

God knows I’ve been harassed because of my pale skin more than anything. I'm paler than most - I glow in moonlight. I kid you not. I've been made fun of countless times for my skin. I've been made fun of for having to wear eye patches as a kid. I’ve been made fun of for my nose, more specifically, that it looks like my nose is pierced when it’s not. I've been made fun of for my hair, my teeth, my beliefs, and my speech. I'm not saying I've had it bad in life - I've been pretty fortunate in a lot of ways. I'm not denying that, I'm denying it having anything to do with skin color. There’s a lot more to people than physical traits.

I, however, am not white. I am Irish. I am Italian. I am Norwegian. I am Romani. I am a third generation American citizen. I am not white. White means nothing. White is not a race. White is not a description of the person I am, the values I hold dear, or the land I claim as my own. White doesn't describe the culture from which I was raised. By claiming to be white you're claiming that you're not important enough to be an individual. You're allowing yourself to lose your cultural identity. Allowing others to label you and strip away all that you are.

I don't know about other people's history. I do, however, know that my ancestors' hands are clean. They owned no slaves. They kicked no native peoples from their lands in any continent. They were innocent. Yet classes and people who claim to know my past better than I, try and force guilt upon me because I look as if I have Anglo-Saxon heritage. That is wrong, too. Don't pass the sins of others upon my back when I've done nothing. The Romani people were forced into concentration camps, too. The Irish have had their own suffering, too. As have all peoples. No culture is free of suffering from the hands of others. That is the point. We're all guilty, we're all oppressors. We've all suffered. The more you draw lines in the sand and scream about how this group has suffered at the hands of so-and-so the more you increase hate.

The only way to actually get along is stop drawing so many lines in the sand and hating each other for the sins of the past. I'm not saying forget or stop talking about the history and all of its bloodshed. I'm saying educate, accept that horrible things have happened to humanity without blaming each other now. Have intelligent, helpful, and meaningful discussions without anger, hate, blame, and spite for each other.

That is my wish. That is the one thing I've found can't seem to happen in discussion. People will always throw blame around instead of just talking without blaming.

I'm not white. I am, however, genuinely empathetic with those who have suffered because that's what it means to be human; to feel, to suffer, to live. And unfortunately I think to be human means to hate. I would love for the world to prove me wrong. But I've seen more hate than love in the world.

+ Not Everyone is Meant to Understand +

I was home sometime recently - it must have been during Summer. I'm not certain of the time frame, but something curious was told to me. Ajax was chatting with the Mom and mentioned at some point how he was concerned for me, his little sister; I am too serious. "She just never seems to be having fun. She just goes to classes, works, and even when she's here she's working for the Dad, walking the dog, and doing more work for classes". Granted, this quotation has some artistic liberties with it because I didn't hear Ajax say it, it was hearsay from the Mom. But that is the sentiment I was told that it resembled. Ajax being concerned over how I don't ever let loose.

This was particularly interesting because Ajax usually doesn't seem to think I do anything but waste time and be lazy - so he tells me. Maybe that's just a job of the older brother to always make you try to be more impressive than yourself. Always striving to outdo your own work. Maybe it's an older brother's job to ensure the young ones do things they never dreamed of themselves. Maybe it's just older brothers can't show kindness to younger siblings until they reach a certain age. Whatever the case, I thought it was cute. Maybe cute isn't the right word. I thought that that was endearing of him to mention. Mostly because I thought it was just me who thought I was stretching myself too thin. And continue to stretch, I always do.

What should be noted is, education is very important to me. I dream of a world where everyone has access to education. A world where everyone can read. Everyone can write. A world that embraces thinking, and writing, and reading. A world where you can venture with Ishmael to chase that white whale, where you can fall into a rabbit hole with Alice, where you can envision the broken world with Equality 7-2521 as he brings back the fire of knowledge to the world. A world where everyone enjoys a life of learning until the very last moment of living. Where people want to know more. I just want to live in a world where everyone cares about bettering themselves in any way that they can. Where everyone questions authority. A world where everyone can follow their dreams. And my only chance at seeing this kind of world is by being an educator.

That is why I am here. That is why I embrace 26 credits in this single, last semester. That is why instead of partying it up at fraternities I am instead at home, reading Moby Dick, creating lesson plans, writing out answers to take home exams, and reading my textbook on teaching Secondary English. Would I rather have had a chance to live a real college experience? Probably. But I don't think I would be walking away from this experience with the same knowledge I am now because I ignored those desires.

Sometimes it would be nice to be a different person. The kind of person that has fun with crowds of people she doesn't know. The kind of person that doesn't care if she is drunk in public. The kind of person that likes dancing and going out for a girl's night with random guys rubbing all against her. The kind of person who could have frivolous fun without having an internal schedule staring her in the face reminding her of everything she wasn't doing that she needed to be doing. It would have been nice to be the kind of person that enjoys the same things my friends do. The kind of person that can let go and let her hair down. The kind of person that isn't eternally serious. The kind of person that isn't always misunderstood as angry or bitter.

For me, I am content going on walks and enjoying nature. I enjoy movie or tv show marathons. I am content just being with the people I care about. I am content spending countless hours walking with my dog at night. I am content curling up with a classic novel and adventuring with the writer who has endless knowledge to share. I am content fishing with the Dad. I am content going camping, hiking, and staring into waters. I am content writing about everything I can. I would love to shoot pool and just hang out with Ajax, though he'd never want to. I am content without going to parties and watching people get drunk because it takes me too long to get drunk myself. I don't think it's fun being silly or acting a fool; I am content being me. No one else has to understand it.

I might sound boring. I might sound judgmental. I might sound like I have no life. It just means I value different things than you do. I don't know. I enjoy learning. I enjoy pondering. I enjoy meeting new people, but I don't like being overwhelmed by people I don't know. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It makes me concerned and nervous. It takes a while to really know me because I let so few in. And even the ones I let in don't always really know me.