+ Donde +

Day 28: Where you want to be?

I'm not sure what is really being asked here. I doubt it's actually referring to a geographic location, though.

For the moment where I'd most like to be is with the smokin hot boyfriend. Being away from him is so hard. I miss getting to be around him and getting to see his facial expressions and being in his arms. It feels safe and secure being around him. I'm happy and feel at home around him. Sharing space with him is easy. 

Besides just being with my Link, I want to be somewhere I can forge my own path and not have to rely on my family. I want to be able to take care of myself. It's likely that means Texas and a new job and a new home with the boy. 

That's what appears to be in my future... 36 days. 

+ Organized Chaos +

Day 26: Organized or Messy?

It depends. 

At work I'm overly organized. I get poked fun at for my level of organization by my work moms and coworkers. My binders are color coded, my supplies neatly put together, and my notes compiled with care. 

My apartment during college was also neatly organized and clean. 

It's how I prefer things, however my room at my parents house is less organized. The main reason is I have the smallest room and when I had to move back home to student teach I had an entire apartment move home, too. I have too much stuff. Plenty that has no purpose or value. Right now it's more organized than it has been for years because I've donated and thrown away so much already. 

I know I'm moving in June so I'm trying my best to get rid of as much stuff as possible. As it is i can't take very much with me anyway. I'm leaving quite a bit at my parents' house since I can only take what fits in my car for now. 

I'll probably have to come back later and rent a small uhaul and drive back to where ever my new home may be. So I want to ditch as much as I can until then so I don't have to move as much. That's the goal... 

+ Happiness +

Day 25: Happiness is...

The biggest thing for me is knowing my loved ones are happy.

I tend to be a nuturer by nature. I want to protect. I want to empathize. I want to listen. I want to help. I want to do anything they need. I want the people in my life to be happy. I want all good things for them.

My entire life I've put myself last. Assuming I was the least important person.

Within the last year I've learned that I matter, too. I've made choices to lead to my own happiness. I started taking care of myself - eating healthier 95% of the time, working out and growing muscles, and doing things that help my mental health.

I'm the happiest I think I've ever been. I've now moved to another state. I got a new job that I start soon. I'm living with the man of my dreams. Things are going well. (7.23)

+ Motto +

Day 24: A motto to live by...

So it goes...

That's probably the words that come to my mind most often. So much so that it's tattooed on my right foot.

It fits most situations. It encompasses the mildly irritating, the heart-wrenching pain, the clipped attitude, the things you can't do anything about but accept and try to rebuild, and everything in between.

It's a phrase that reminds you even though it hurts like hell now, it'll pass. You can't control everything, but you can get through it.

It holds the deaths of my family, my heart breaks, and my road rage. It cradles all that I am and ever can be.

You can only do so much and sometimes accepting the chaos is the best course of action to move forward and get stronger.

+ Decisions +

Day 22: Your Last Important Decision.

It'd probably have to be my immediate future decisions.

In November I decided that I need a change. Obi-Wan talked me into moving to Florida because he thinks his fiancee can get me a decent paying job.

Then I started dating my boyfriend. The move to Florida was actually going to be better for us anyway because we'd be closer than we are currently.

Fast forward a couple months and we started talking about me moving in with him instead of going to Florida. That's the current decision I've come up with. I haven't wanted anything this much in forever. I hate not getting to be with my boyfriend much.

It is a big leap of faith on my part, though. I'm so afraid of moving without a job already in  place. I need to be able to pay my bills. I need a job. Any job. I just always have 'what if I can't get a job in time' in the back of my head, though. I'm scared I'm not going to be able to do it and I'll let my boyfriend down in the process, too.

There's also another choice I'm grappling with. My job has some teaching jobs opening up soon. Some coworkers think I could get hired, but it'd mean staying here. I don't like living in this state - I've been dreaming of moving away and getting out on my own since I was a teenager. Now, I just want to be with my boyfriend and I can't ask him to move here. Not when I've already said I'm moving to be with him. Especially when I know how much he loves his home state. I guess that decision has already been made, too.

My choice is my boyfriend. I'm over the distance. I just want it to be June so badly because I'm ready for a change. I want to start my new life, in a new state, with the love of my life.

+ Future Notes +

Day 20: Would you like to know about the future?

For the most part I'd rather discover my future as it happens. Knowing an outcome doesn't help the road to get there and without the road the outcome can't come true.

I wouldn't be the same person I am today without all that happened to me, and if I knew about some of the things that happened ahead of time I likely would have tried to avoid them. Or I would have lived in fear of the day they happened. Neither of which would have been healthy.

I'm happy with the person my experiences have shaped me into. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears came into forging this identity. This existence is mine and I've claimed a space in the universe I work.

I'm good with the way my life has gone. I'm good with where ever my future will go.

The only thing I'd be curious about is where my work life is going to go. I thought I'd be a teacher my entire life. Right now it's not seeming like that'll ever be in the cards for me. I don't know what I'm going to do for a career. That's all question marks for me.

+ Songs +

Day 19: Your favorite song to sing?

There's too many songs I rock out to - mostly in my car. I have 90s on 9 blasting when I drive most often.

Red Hot Chili Peppers
No Doubt
Sublime
Green Day
New Found Glory
Blink 182

Classic 90s pop need to be belted out:
Humpty Dance - comes on lots
Can't Touch This
I don't want to Wait
Where have all the Cowboys Gone
Macarena
Selena
Spice Girls
N'Sync
Backstreet Boys

+ Me +

Day 18: How would you like to be described?

I'm not sure how I'd want to be described. I just strive to be a trustworthy and nice person to those that cross my path. I try to do well at all things I do and work my hardest. I strive to be reliable and take care of myself.

I just would like to be a good person.

I don't know, these questions always seem silly to me. I shouldn't be the one describing myself.

+ Overuse +

Day 16: The word that you overuse.

"Fair enough"
"Why do you hurt me?"
"If you say so"
"For sure"
"Fruisante"
"I mean..."
"Not untrue"

+ Decisions, Decisions +

Day 13: How do you make decisions?

That definitely depends on the decision. Inconsequential decisions like what to eat or where to go is solved by either rock paper scissor or some such random.

Important decisions involve very careful thought, planning, and backup upon backup plans. If it involves more than just me then discussion and talking it all out. Careful consideration and planning is a must for my insane OCD and organizational schematic. I have a problem. That's perhaps why it's taken me 5 years to finally decide to move for real.

Sometimes I let the cosmos guide me. Such as throwing out lots of applications for potential jobs if I'm unsure what I want to do.

Decision making varies.

+ Perfection +

Day 12: What is a "perfect" day?

I think relaxing or tranquil day would be a more accurate term. The current ones tend to be Saturdays:

- sleep in (8am or so)
- sip coffee
- watch an episode or two of Netflix (whatever show I'm watching at that point)
- clean the house/room
- do laundry
- read some of whatever book I'm reading
- hike/gym/walk
- maybe see a friend
- do whatever I feel like

I have a feeling my perfect day is gonna shift a little when I move in with the boyfriend, though.

+ Life +

Day 9: Your life story in five sentences.

I was born in California, though raised in Idaho. I grew up to love the PNW- hiking, camping, fly fishing. I spend my life trying to help and teach others, even so much so I got a degree in education. Being rejected for teaching jobs I left to forge a new plan and new life. I'm now living in another state with my boyfriend seeing how my life will unfold.

+ Just Do It +

Day 6: One thing you need to start doing.

The biggest thing I probably need to start doing is to have trust in myself and my skills.

It's so easy to encourage other people and recognize their abilities and victories. However, when it comes to myself I have such a hard time thinking I'm anything. I see my flaws and failures. I remember every little thing I've flopped. The botched interviews and try outs. The missed steps in dance recitals. The missed notes on the violin. Every mess up and mistake I've made is burned in my memory.

It's so easy telling myself I can't, I'm less than,  and I'm not good enough. I guess it's because I've heard it so much in my life. Those choices echo in my head.

I should start being nicer to myself.

+ Stop +

Day 5: One thing you need to stop doing.

I'm the worst at putting myself down and doubting myself.

It's true when it's said you're your own worst critic. I look in the mirror and see flaws and disappointments. I see all the things that are wrong with me. I see the scars.

However, I'm slowly getting better at that. It's been months, but I am happier with myself now than I have been in a very long time. I'm down 60lbs. I'm thinner and healthier than I've been in over a decade. I still have a long way to go, but I have made progress.

I need to stop taking myself I won't amount to anything in the world and that I'm a failure. 

+ Friends! +

Day 4: The most important qualities in a friend.

Loyalty, love, understanding, and trust.

Same with any relationship. Those things are what keep you connected when time passes and life gets in the way. No matter the time or distance those things can keep a friendship strong.

I know I'm not always the best at keeping in touch. I just get lost in my life and time slips away. It's not on purpose or because I don't care, I just get carried away. My friendships stay strong because we understand we get busy and when we do get back in touch it's like no time passed at all. I'm lucky like that. My friends are pretty great that way.

+ Gratefulness +

Day 3:  What are you most grateful for?

I'm most grateful and thankful for the people in my life.

I've been lucky enough to gain some truly wonderful people in my life. I have some of the greatest and most loyal friends a lady could ask for. I have friends that have stuck by me for over a decade and are still like sisters and brothers to me. What more could you hope for? I have a remarkable boyfriend who is such a doll. He's shown me that not all men are the same, and he's shown me what love should feel like. He's everything I dreamed love could be in the most secret part of my heart. 

I have some amazing cousins that are like siblings. Obi-Wan is my kindred and like a protective older brother. Seeing my cousins is always a good time. I have great aunts and uncles that are so kind and loving. My parents and Ajax. My family has helped shape who I am.

Even the lost friends and ex-boyfriends that were meant to just be lessons I'm grateful for. I wouldn't have known what true friends were or what a great man looked like.

I'm thankful for all the people in my life.

+ Home +

Day 2: What Place Do You Consider Home?

Home isn't really a place for me these days. I've always struggled with the meaning of "home" mostly because I've always had a hard time feeling connected. 

There are places I've had a roof and have survived, but there's not many places I've felt I could be myself and call home.

My childhood could be described as a struggle at best. In some ways I had an extraordinary childhood, but others it was bleak.

While my parents had the funds to let me do a lot: Gymnastics, ballet, tap, jazz, soccer, violin, etc. It was a far cry from perfection. 

I have been the outsider my entire life. I preferred isolation the older I got because it meant I would finally not be beaten, I would finally not be yelled at, I wouldn't be blamed for everything going wrong. I wouldn't have bruises to hide from teachers. The more invisible I could become the safer I was. My self worth was always challenged because I was told how worthless I was and could never do anything right. It's hard to have confidence in myself at times because these voices have never really left my head.

My college town became a kind of home because it was the first place I had to start over. I didn't have my family in my business or telling me how worthless I was. I was happy for a time,  but even that was never a true home. It would never become permanent as I could never survive there on my own in financial independence. It did bring me amazing memories and experiences, though. It left me begin to forge my identity.

My home these days has become a person. Wherever he is feels more like a home to me than any physical place ever has. He's my kindred spirit in so many ways. His past has mirrored mine in some fundamental ways. Our struggles and hardships have mirrored in our pasts. As a result he understands me in ways I never believed possible. He accepts me for all that I am, can be, and will be. In his arms I feel safe and happy. As if things are how they're meant to be and everything is right with the world. 

He is what I hope my future to be - full of laughter, silliness, love, and peace of mind. 

Wherever he is I will happily follow and build a home. With me, he'll be loved and adored. I want to dote on him and make him feel wanted, loved, and adored just like he makes me feel everyday. 

+ Dream Big +

Day 1: Your biggest dream.

My dream these days is much different than it once was.

For as long as I could remember I wanted to be a teacher. I dreamed about educating youth and showing them a love of literature and lifelong learning. I wanted to be the catcher in the rye- the one catching kids on the edge and allowing them a chance to love education and offering a new path. That utopian dream job doesn't exist and I think that was my toughest lesson in life- finding out how corrupt the education system is, how flawed it has become, and how riddled with politics it is.

My dream now is much simpler than it has ever been before. I just want a job that offers a living wage and health insurance. I don't need a ton of money, just enough to pay rent/house payment one day, car payment, gas, food, electricity, insurance, money to pay for my meds, etc. In a perfect world I'd like to be able to have enough money to put some aside and not live paycheck to paycheck like I have my entire adult life.

I dream of having just enough money to not be ridiculously stressed all the time. To live with my Link - the man I'll be living with in June, my perfect match of a man. To have a dog or two eventually. To have a place to call ours and make it cozy and relaxing - an oasis to get lost in. To be able to travel a little and see the world - I've hardly left the borders of the U.S. To marry the man I love. And one day, not too soon, have a kid or two.

I just want a quiet and simple life with the man I love. That's all I dream about anymore. Especially now since that man isn't some faceless shadow I don't believe exists, but is a real and tangible man who feels the same way about me.

+ Me +

Day 29: A Picture of Yourself.

This is me from this month. It's the same outfit I wore when going out with my boyfriend for this first time.

+ Religion +

Day 26: Your Religious Beliefs.

I'm 26 and I can say with absolute honesty that when it comes to religion I know nothing. I'm not completely sure what I believe.

The history of humanity is littered with bloodshed due to religion. The fighting over holy lands, fighting over who's god is the most real, or who has the best set of values.

I was raised Roman Catholic. I could recite bible verses before I could read or write like a good little robot. I went to CCD classes every Wednesday and committed the stories and values to memory not really by choice but by my eidedic memory. I was confirmed into the Catholic faith when I was sixteen mostly out duty to my family knowing I had to. In college I was the only one in the room, including the professor, who knew how Saints were canonized.

As a teenager I went through a Pagan and Wiccan stage. I dabbled in both with candles, spells, and tarot cards. I like the idea of being in nature and feeling connected to the world. I was never devout in any religion.

To be honest I mostly work on the idea of being a good person. I follow values that every faith can embrace. I've always enjoyed studying religions and I've found way more things in common than differences. The myths are strikingly similar. The rules are similar. The prophet, god(s), etc. are all similar.

There was a quote that I found at some point in my youth that talked about several people of several religions in several countries all starring up at the sky thinking of their God and maybe it was the same god with a different name. That always resonated with me.

I'd rather see our similarities and embrace each other than let religion divide us.