+ Home +

Day 2: What Place Do You Consider Home?

Home isn't really a place for me these days. I've always struggled with the meaning of "home" mostly because I've always had a hard time feeling connected. 

There are places I've had a roof and have survived, but there's not many places I've felt I could be myself and call home.

My childhood could be described as a struggle at best. In some ways I had an extraordinary childhood, but others it was bleak.

While my parents had the funds to let me do a lot: Gymnastics, ballet, tap, jazz, soccer, violin, etc. It was a far cry from perfection. 

I have been the outsider my entire life. I preferred isolation the older I got because it meant I would finally not be beaten, I would finally not be yelled at, I wouldn't be blamed for everything going wrong. I wouldn't have bruises to hide from teachers. The more invisible I could become the safer I was. My self worth was always challenged because I was told how worthless I was and could never do anything right. It's hard to have confidence in myself at times because these voices have never really left my head.

My college town became a kind of home because it was the first place I had to start over. I didn't have my family in my business or telling me how worthless I was. I was happy for a time,  but even that was never a true home. It would never become permanent as I could never survive there on my own in financial independence. It did bring me amazing memories and experiences, though. It left me begin to forge my identity.

My home these days has become a person. Wherever he is feels more like a home to me than any physical place ever has. He's my kindred spirit in so many ways. His past has mirrored mine in some fundamental ways. Our struggles and hardships have mirrored in our pasts. As a result he understands me in ways I never believed possible. He accepts me for all that I am, can be, and will be. In his arms I feel safe and happy. As if things are how they're meant to be and everything is right with the world. 

He is what I hope my future to be - full of laughter, silliness, love, and peace of mind. 

Wherever he is I will happily follow and build a home. With me, he'll be loved and adored. I want to dote on him and make him feel wanted, loved, and adored just like he makes me feel everyday. 

+ Date +

Day 13: A Date You Would Love to Go On.

I'm the worst at deciding anything. My ability to make a decision is very poor. It's the saddest thing ever.

I've had some of the worst dates ever so my bar is super low on dates. If I feel safe and happy that's a win for a date.

Mostly any time I can be with my boyfriend would be a date I'd love to be on. It doesn't matter what we do, I tend to be stupid happy. 

He tried teaching me Magic and that was fun, we went to see Rogue One and fell asleep on each other, we spent time with our friends, etc. Just being with him is the best so any date I'm on with him. 

Seriously it could be curled up with him anywhere, doing nothing, or anything, and I'd be on cloud nine. 

+ The Relationship +

Day 11: Your Current Relationship.

I feel like there's been a lot of questions about my relationship or boyfriend with this 30 Day Writing Challenge... I feel like I've already answered this. 

I'm in a relationship with an lovely man. In fact, he's my dream man in every way. He's managed to be better than the kind of man I'd always hoped for even. 

A couple years ago my coworkers were being snarky and made me come up with a list of things I wanted in a potential boyfriend. If I recall it was after the Plenty of Fish fiasco where I had bad dare after bad date. I met a lot of guys that weren't good for me and vice versa. The list included: 

-Intelligence 

-Kind

-Talkative 

-Similar Interests

-Employed 

-Driver's License 

-A Car

That kind of thing. I've been told that's a lame list and should be the bare minimum of any date ever and what the heck was wrong with me. I was then chastised when the first boyfriend I talked about met little of this list and my coworkers let me know it. 

The point is... my current boyfriend far exceeds any list I could ever come up with. 

Not only is he affectionate, intelligent, and enjoys talking to me and being with me, but he initiates conversations about the future on a regular basis. He'd be an amazing partner to build a life and future with. For the first time ever that kind of conversation doesn't scare me away but only makes me feel secure. I feel like we'd be a good team. 

It's still early, I know, but I hope it works out... 

+ Kiss +

Day 9: Your Last Kiss.

My last kiss was saying goodbye to my boyfriend...the lack of physical contact is the worst about long distance. I want to be in his arms so badly, curling up next to him to sleep, hugging him, and kissing him. I crave him so much. I miss him terribly. 

One of the best things about him is how often he kisses. I love kissing him. I love being with him. I love talking to him. I love everything about him... 

Is it March and/or June yet? 

+ Boyfriend +

I've mentioned that I started dating a new man already. He's sweet, handsome, and the best. I could be biased, though.

He asked me last night why and/or how I love him. I tried to answer him and explain it fully. However, it didn't come out right, and because I didn't write it out, it came out sloppy and lacking in truth and meaning. I can't always articulate well in words with just my voice. My brain dies on me. I need time to articulate it through the written word. How can I fully explain to him in a few words why I love him? There are so many reasons.

It's unlikely he'll see this, but I figured I'd try to do my affections for him justice somewhere. Even if it's just to put it out in the void of the universe. 

I love him for how I feel about myself because of him. He tells me I'm amazing and builds me up, even when I'm at my weakest or most broken. He makes me laugh without trying and smile for no reason at all. He makes me want to be better and do better. He makes me a happier person and encourages my goals and life choices. He tells me what he thinks. He listens and never judges but offers advice. He makes me feel safe when talking to him and when I'm with him. His arms around me makes me feel safe. He became one of my confidantes quickly and I'm not even sure how that happened or when.

When he tells me I'm pretty I can believe it for the first time because he shows me that he believes it. I love the way he finds ways to touch me that seem to be so natural- hugging me just because, kissing me every chance he gets, holding my hand in front of his friends, putting his arm around my shoulders while we're talking or he's eating, cuddling with me when we watch a movie, slapping my ass after opening my car door for me, resting his hand on my leg in the car or when we're sitting together, or wrapping his arms around my waist. Physical touch is fluid and effortless with him. I've never done well with physical touch, it took years of training myself to be okay hugging people in platonic ways. With him, I never even thought to recoil or had anything to fight back against. His touch felt safe immediately and provided warmth and comfort. He is gentle in his words and touch.

I love him because he's such a positive person. He's easy to be around because he's such a genuinely good human being. He's goofy. He's sweet. He's kind. He's loving. He's funny. He's silly. He's sarcastic. He's irritating in the best ways. He doesn't mind teaching me things I don't know how to do - Magic, how to put on new windshield wiper blades, if you listen to him, how to drive...

He tells me to be safe and wear my seat belt. He's patient with me. He wants to be with me. He wants to talk to me. He shows me how he feels and tells me.

I love him because of our similar paths in life. I love the parts of him that he thinks are broken. I love him for all the struggles he's faced. I love his honesty. I love that he didn't give up on me when I was too afraid and hurt to be ready to accept him. I love him because he loves me.

I love his voice and sexy accent. I love his diction and intellect. I love his smile and laughter. I love the way he looks at me. I love the way he carries himself in the world.

I simply love my super sexy hero. For all that he is and can be. I love him because he's who he is. He's the best man I could ever hope to call mine. He's all I want and all that I need. I'm his and only his as long as he'll have me and I've never been happier with someone.

+ Tides Ebb and Flow +

I am dating a new man. He makes me feel safe, happy, and cozy when in his arms or I'm near him.

I opened up to him in a way I haven't really with anyone about my rape and sex. In doing so, I tore myself open again. I didn't mean to and I didn't know that would be the outcome. I ended up crying in the middle of my gym, yet again. Just suddenly - my insides were torn open.

I hate that I was broken in this way. I hate that the monster that pops into my dreams when I least expect it did this to me. I hate that he stole my ability to get into sex for almost four years. I hate that sex terrifies me because of a rape that happened so long ago... He's made it so that sex has some very negative associations for me. I hate that even now, almost four years later, I can be brought to my knees from memories of the intrusion into me.

Even now, I'm fighting the urge to cry all over again. I feel stupid because I don't even know what is causing me to feel I need to cry. I'm safe now. He's nowhere near me...I haven't seen my own personal monster since the rape. There's nothing here to hurt me.

I have a man that I love and am safe with. He knew I'd been raped and that didn't stop him from being a friend to me, and it didn't stop him from pursuing a relationship with me. He's healing me in ways I didn't know I was broken.

After I was raped, I still wasn't treated well by the few men I had sex with...

The first guy I was with was in an open relationship with his girlfriend who went to a different college. He used me, and I let him because I thought I could change him...because girls are idiots. I believe this is also the story of one of my friend's v-card loss, too. So, at least it's not just me.

The second guy - my rapist. I still blame myself a little because I could have been smarter, but he'd been gracious when I said no earlier that night. I had no idea I'd be drugged and raped...

The third guy was the only one that got me off. At all. So, I mean props to him for that. But he also disappeared on me without a word. Then, I was using him subconsciously to attempt to get the rape out of my system so... well, we used each other.

The fourth guy lied about being single, was awful in bed, and kicked me out mid-way for me after he lasted all of 30 seconds. Then couldn't understand why I was pissed upon leaving. Then I got a message from his girlfriend, not because she was mad but to invite me to a threesome... needless to say I invited them both to get out of my life.

The fifth guy toyed with me for a year, dragged my feelings around, was the reason I was raped in that I started dating to get over him and the rape came of the dating. I still ended up in bed with him as a lousy time and then he never spoke to me again...

All of those experiences together make for negative associations in all aspects of sex for me. I'm timid, I'm shy, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't totally know what I'm into. I'm afraid I'll be thrown away by anyone not patient enough to let me explore with them. I want sex, but it also terrifies me because of all the ways I've been messed up by men.

I didn't know that it's not normal to be unsatisfied, angry, and severely dislike the guy after sex. I didn't know that wanting to kick him out of your bed, space, and life immediately was not the norm. That's just the results I had after sex all the time. I figured I was broken and that there was something wrong with me.

The rape tore me apart from the inside out. It's damaged my psyche and associations with sex. It's made me question all men no matter the context or time of day. It's made me afraid of men, night, sex, relationships, my thoughts when I'm alone, dreams turned nightmares, and it rocked me to my entire foundations...

It's also made me stronger and more apt to fight. It's made me able to explore my depths and tear down my walls and know myself. It allowed me to reclaim myself and fight to find truly good men.

My ex was what I needed to show me I could and should trust men again. He was the harmless man I needed after my rape- too afraid to so much as touch me, yet showing me some kindness.

He opened the doors for me to allow my current boyfriend into my life. My boyfriend is definitely the best man I've come across ever. I couldn't be happier with any man. He's patient, kind, loving, sweet, gentlemanly, sexy, funny, goofy, nerdy, lovey-dovey, sarcastic, cute, and everything I could have ever hoped for.

+ Five Ways to Win my Heart +

Day 6 of Writing Challenge: List five ways to win your heart.

Tell Me How You Feel. Be confident in wanting me. Let me know that you are actually interested in me. Tell me you want to be with me. Let me know you value me as a person. Let me know you don't see me as damaged. Let me know that I am what you want and that I'm worth chasing. Compliment my intellect and my personality. No matter how long we're together keep telling me that you are interested in me. Give me affirmations that I am worth being with and that you'll fight to keep me. Tell me you want to be by my side and prove it. Tell me you want no other lady in your life.

Listen to Me. Let me talk to you about any and everything. Let me nerd out over literature or movies. Let me read to you when there's a great passage I can't get out of my head. Tell me to read out loud to you. Challenge me intellectually and converse with me. Let me talk about the beauty of the stars and the night sky. Let me complain about marvel movies being wrong. Let me complain about work and my family. Let me tell you about my past. Let me sing in the car even when it's off key. Let me ramble and rant when I'm happy, sad, angry, or confused.

Make Me Laugh. Tell me jokes. Be witty. Be sarcastic and snarky. Tell me stories about yourself that are funny or silly. Be silly with me. Talk in weird accents. Make faces at me.

Show Me Affection. Kiss me. Hug me. Hold me. Let me fall asleep in your arms. Cuddle with me when it's cold. Cuddle with me when we're watching movies. Hold my hand. Put your arms around me every chance you get. Sleep with me. Show me you're going to stick around even after showing me some affection.

Share Your Life with Me. Tell me about your hobbies. Tell me about your dreams and goals. Tell me what you think about when you space off. Tell me about your past and heartbreak. Tell me about your childhood. Tell me what keeps you up at night. Share your favorite music, movies, and books with me. Tell me your favorite memories. Tell me your worst memories. Tell me the stupid things you've done. Tell me the songs you sing to yourself when you think you're alone.