+ I'm Gonna Be a Mrs.! +

 I went to visit my boyfriend for his graduation. I'm going home engaged! 

Sunday, we went to a vineyard for a cute couple time and booked a room there. We thought we were taking a cooking class, but it ended up being more a demo where we ate and drank wine. It was kind of cute. There were a lot of older couples everywhere, but the people we sat next to were nice. We chatted and it was fun. 

After we were supposed to go on a tour of the vineyard, but for whatever reason they weren't offering tours that day (Which was where he had been planning to propose). So we ended up getting wine tastings and the glass to keep at the end. It still ended up being nice. The tasting room was cute and there were people everywhere. The outside was pretty with a little lake. 

After we went to the room which was so cozy and nice. It was named for a famous couple. It was such a fun style of room and even came with a jacuzzi tub and giant shower. We had champagne glasses and chocolate covered strawberries. 

The couple that sat next to us at the cooking class also got a room so they let us look at theirs. The bed and breakfast at the vineyard was such a lovely place. There were stained glass windows and lots of natural light. The people were sweet. 

Fiance and I ended up going to buy legos to build and he settled on a car. We went back to our room to build it and we got about halfway done. I ended up getting impatient and wanted to use the jacuzzi tub as I had gotten bubble bath and a bath bomb, hah. While my bath was winding down, he asked me to marry him. It was cute and sweet. I'm so happy that he's mine. <3 I can't wait to be his. 

+ Ten of Swords +

I am not by any means huge into Tarot or Astrology. I am not an expert. That being said I've dabbled since I was teenager. I've always been surface level interested and done my own readings and readings for friends. Though, mostly just for fun. As well as it's easy to read for people that you know, you can look at a card and knowing the meaning apply it more directly and concretely to what you know about the situation or person. Still, for me, it's something fun and a way to clear my own head.

 My mom bought me my first tarot deck (well, actually decks... but one of them wasn't a traditional tarot deck but one of those fairy decks that don't use the major or minor arcana, but like... their own kind of deck schematic) when I was a freshman in high school because I discovered my favorite modern artist at the time by pure accident. I was browsing Hot Topic like the little goth girl I was - and in the clearance section was a beautifully illustrated book illustrated by and collaboratively written by Joseph Vargo. Besides writing Tales from the Dark Tower, he had a lot of different things with his art on it. One being a deck of Tarot cards he illustrated. To this day, it's one of my most prized possessions. Not just because it was a gift from my mother or the work from my favorite artist, but because it is beautiful. It's made many moves with me and despite a ton of use, the cards still look like new. 

That was perhaps some unnecessary background for the point of this post, but I figured it'd explain the title a bit better than without that quick info. 

Today my card is the Ten of Swords. 

It feels fitting with what is going on in the world as a whole and within my own life and head space currently. It could be indicating a great many things on a personal level. 

It is rock bottom, closure, finished, or giving up. It's accepting the end of something and moving on. It indicates that something new is waiting for you. 

It is saying you can only go up from here. Self-pity and martyrdom is not serving you so you should stop the feelings of being weighted down and help yourself. Learn from your mistakes and continue to improve yourself. The time for pity is over. 

As a whole, the world today has this aura everywhere we go. With Covid-19, everyone is feeling stuck, restless, unhappy, and they are feeling sorry for themselves with the idea of being contained or having their freedom stripped away. Sheltering in place, for many, is the worst it's going to get. Yes, isolation can be crippling. Yes, it's hard to feel connected with your loved ones when you're not able to see them or hold them. However, if that's the worst it gets for you, you're lucky. It's about being selfless for a little while so you can protect the vulnerable. I would hope that when I am at the point I'm vulnerable others would be willing to do the same for me. It's pointless to hold on to the illusion that you're sacrificing or a martyr by staying inside your home and watching Netflix all day. 

It's important to remember this isn't going to be forever. 

On a personal note, this card could be indicating a good deal more. 

It's almost a year since my mother died. We didn't see it coming. There was no sign we could have looked out for. She'd just gotten her battery changed in her pace maker and it went perfectly. She was feeling good and had energy. I didn't for a moment think it would happen so soon. I honestly believed there would be another decade or more with her. It sunk me into a pretty good sadness. I'm still not sure I've coped with everything involving her death. Then, I'm not always the best at reading myself. Or worse, I think I am reading myself and it'll be completely wrong. So, honestly, your guess is as good as mine on whether I've effectively mourned or not. I know there were a good many days where it felt like I could barely work and come home and want to do nothing. I didn't wish to die, but you know "Birches" by Robert Frost? It says he'd like to get away for a while, but may no one half understand and grant death to him. That. That is what I was feeling. I wanted to just not be for a little bit. Other times I cried and it would hit me out of nowhere. Now, I don't cry much... sometimes I block it out of my mind entirely. Others I feel numb about it. 

I also go through spurts of feeling incredibly lonely. Being quarantined has definitely made that a bit more difficult and more prevalent. Yet, I know I don't even have it as bad as some. I am an essential worker so I go to work everyday and get human interaction. Though, most of it is certainly not positive. Mostly I deal with people yelling about wait times and just wanting to yell at strangers in general. Still, it could be worse. I am working and getting paid so it's hard to really complain. 

I also am back in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend which is a struggle. It's hard only being able to talk on the phone and with all this going on... well, there's a lot less to talk about. We're both doing the same thing every day so the conversation gets stale at times. It can be frustrating. We've had disagreements on finances and about precise word choice lately. Which adds to the fuel. So that's been a struggle. 

Then, finally, there is my view of my job life. I've been struggling with this aspect for a while. For me to feel happy and fulfilled I need to work in a job where it feels like I'm helping people. Some in my field believe we do. Perhaps it's true, but it isn't the kind of helping that feels like it makes a difference. Especially with the negative customer interactions I end up receiving. Plus in my section I don't really do anything to help them. I do base-level interactions that are the same every day. I got bored shortly after learning the job. I've fought to move up and I would have, but instead I had to move back home to help out. I feel so unfulfilled and frustrated. When I transferred I went from feeling like I was trusted and a member of the team to this new place where I'm constantly being watched (not just me, everyone), told I'm not talking right (I'll say the same thing, but because I don't use the exact same words they would use, it's wrong), constantly micromanaged, you ask to go to the bathroom, you're not trusted to take your break correctly so you have to record it, things I was trusted to do before now require a list and signing off saying I did it, lists for everything, etc. There is no room for responsibility or growth. Granted my old job before I got into this career paid next to nothing, certainly not a living wage, I left knowing I was helping teenagers. I was teaching them not just content, but also skills to achieve in life. I was helping them up their writing skills, reading skills, I was teaching them about life through master works of literature, and I was having amazing interactions with people. I was building relationships and everyday was different. It was challenging at times, but it was rewarding. I got along with my colleagues, I was valued and trusted, and I made friends in my coworkers. People I still count as friends today. I miss those feelings. 

Which leads to why this card matters today. 

I've been trying to figure out how I can improve my life and my sense of self. I am someone that needs to help people in my core. I am an ENFJ - a teacher, a giver, and a carer. It is inherent in me to help others. I need that in order to be happy and to feel complete. 

I am under the impression that I won't get to teach. It is apparently not in the cards for me as I've been applying for over eight years and can never get hired over veteran teachers (which I mean, is fair). I am finally at a point to come to terms with that fact. Maybe teaching isn't the path I am supposed to take in life. 

There are other options to fulfill what I believe is my purpose. I'm looking into starting graduate school for Clinical Social Work. If I'm being honest, I didn't know during my undergrad studies that Social Work was more than CPS or adoption agencies. My only information about it was from A Child Called It which, admittedly, had me wanting to look into social work when I was in middle school but decided to go with my lifelong dream of being an English Teacher instead when it came time for college. I always thought maybe my interest in Social Work was fleeting, but it was before I realized what a wide array of fields and jobs it encompasses. It could lead to so many different types of helping and teaching. It sounds like it involves all the things I value and the things I've always wanted to do. Plus, if I really want to be in schools - I could be a school counselor and teacher. My teaching license hasn't lapsed. Maybe that could get me in the door to teaching or maybe I'll love being a clinical social worker and want to stay in a therapy position. I'm not sure. But it's a start to find a new path for myself - a new beginning that I feel deep inside I need for myself. 

+ Hearts Hurt Sometimes and It's Okay to Admit That +

The words that follow are not mine. They are Sarah Rodriguez's from Elephant Journal in the article "Messages from a Learning Heart". They could be mine right now, though, because it's exactly how I'm feeling. It's as if the words were taken right from my heart and pulled out through someone else's fingertips. So, not only am I going to link this article, I'm also going to copy and paste it with the acknowledgement that they aren't mine, but it's how I feel and I don't want to lose these words. It's part of the healing process.

Here's the Copied Article:

Messages from a Learning Heart

Let’s get one thing straight: this is not an attack.

Not on anyone or anything; not even on myself.

This is just who I am.

I don’t know how to do this any other way—how to express myself in a more efficient manner than trying to soothe my heart as she stumbles and bleeds without knowing why.

She’s never had such demands placed on her before. She’s never been forced open in a way that made her so vulnerable, so close to the throes of perceived danger, so ready and willing to fall into everything my mind has begged her to avoid.

And now, my mind sends piercing whispers to her in this moment of bewilderment: I told you so.
There’s a reason she prefers to be secluded, tucked away in the noisy confines of her outward silence—alone. She’s understood from the start that beyond the flesh and bones that surround her, it’s a cold world out there. She needs to be protected, concealed and unreachable. She knows she’d never make it outside of her cage; she is far too raw to save herself from the pain that comes with opening, emerging as a thing to be fooled for love and tossed when her temporary purpose has been depleted.

She can’t stand being temporary, but she’s never known permanence either. She just can’t handle feeling that she matters one moment, only to be named useless the next.

She can’t be so stripped, so out of control.

This heart, she’s been muffled for a lifetime; somewhere between where she rests and where words pour from my lips, a debilitating cloud of fear and self-consciousness suppresses the truth she longs to release. Every time. Yeah, it’s fine. It happens, you know? Whatever.

But really, it’s not fine. It’s not whatever.

Because hearts hurt sometimes, and it’s okay to admit that. It must be.

Because all she wants to do is cry out the words and let them fall as they may, in scattered puddles or in an ocean of all the things she never wanted to feel.

Perhaps there was never any intention of loving her—of loving me. This person. This heart. The one that fought her own personal battle just to open up despite the wisdom of her senses warning her to remain tightly sealed.

And for what? All for this something that became nothing before she could even define it as such.
She should have known better. She should have listened.

So now she sits here, somewhat defeated and worn, tormented by a situation she can’t quite comprehend, yet aware of every pulse that leaves her. She begins drawing conclusions about everything she did wrong—everything she’s ever done wrong—and she hears herself whisper the words “I’m sorry,” even though she doesn't know why. She must have made herself this way, this incompatible puzzle of the words she never said and the ones she said but never meant.

She questions her ability to be understood, to be accepted, to be loved. To be anything—everything.

And because she won’t let anyone else around, the only person she can blame is me.

Still, this is not an attack.

No; this is the soothing. This is the beginning-again of what once sought an end, a rude awakening in the silence of a long-held breath. This is the part when I must take up mending what was never fully broken; I couldn't keep the cage doors splayed long enough to let that happen. Maybe someday I will, and it will hurt that much more.

Or maybe someday I will, and the exchange will be different. Maybe someday, my heart will be the victor, sending gentle whispers to my mind in a moment of relief: I told you so.

But until then, I’m still learning.

This is just who I am—growing, hoping, trying, learning how to love.

This is my heart reaching out and closing up again, trying to know what it means to be loved, and learning what it means not to be.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

~ C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

+ WHAT DO I DO!? +

My goodness, how do people live with existential crises!? Seriously, in case you're wondering here's some information on existential depression in gifted children. Mostly it's just a really interesting topic.

I feel like every few minutes when I'm thinking about what I want to do with my life a new idea is popping into my head.

Maybe I should go back to college and get a Masters in English? I mean it would open up more career opportunities in the writing and english field. That can only make sense, right? RIGHT~!?

What about just moving back to my old college town and getting whatever full time job I can muster and live with some friends and just kind of save up and ponder life? That's not wasting time or money, right? RIGHT~!? UGH!

You know what, the peace corps! Best idea ever. I've always wanted to travel to a new country and get lost in a culture unknown to me. Clearly a good choice. Who doesn't want to go to Albania. Right?

Maybe I should just apply for all the jobs that are even remotely close English/teaching? That can't go wrong, right?

What if I just move to a random state and become a hermit?

Backpack through Europe?

Become a professional blogger?

Youtuber?

What if I just kind of review everything online?

What if I just... get a menial job and wonder where my life went?

OH GOD, THE CHOICES!?

Yeah, that's definitely the chorus of things that go through my mind on a regular basis with this whole existential crises thing. It's exhausting. It's annoying. And it still leaves me with basically no answers. I've seriously looked into the Peace Corps for a few years and each time I'm left uncertain and terrified.

+ Clueless +

I no longer have any idea what I want. I think maybe I'm just burned out on men for the moment because I'm getting restless with meeting new men, enduring through the awkward encounters, and having no idea how any of it is going. I seem to never be on the same page and I have no idea how I can be so daft.

The encounters I think went well apparently are never as pleasant as I perceive them to be. Those guys are usually the ones I feel comfortable around and therefore wouldn't mind getting to know.

The encounters I think are awkward, weird, and slightly uncomfortable tend to be the guys interested in going out with me multiple times yet the conversations always go flat pretty quickly. I also feel like there's little common ground and we're in different places in our lives. I don't know. It's just strange. I feel...nothing about some of these men who seem to like me. Yet I don't know if it's just because I don't know them well yet. I don't know how much time is fair to give before deciding if it's worth trying something with. They seem to be in such a hurry to claim me...

I'm assuming though that when a song comes on in my car that reminds me of a different man and I almost begin to cry because I miss that man and then begin comparing him to the one in the car with me...chances are the one with me isn't quite a priority in my head or heart. Songs are funny that way they tend to bring back memories in a flood of emotion. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped into a man search when I did. Maybe this is all a fool's errand.

I don't know anything. 

+ Fish Ten +

Today I went out with a new guy. I'm not going to lie I definitely thought about cancelling, just because I had a really awful and stressful day at work. I think it's just having gone back... but man, the job is getting to me. It's hard for it not to at times.

Anyway with a little helpful nudging by one of my favorite lady coworkers I decided what the heck and agreed to give it a shot. If for no other reason than she wants a full report on my dating life. Haha. So we were supposed to meet at a coffee shop downtown... luckily both of us were running late, not just me. Traffic was horrible and I ended up having to close the shop late. What I forgot about was Wednesday Market being in place and the fact streets are still ripped up so parking was a nightmare. Then the coffee shop ended up not being open... on an early Wednesday evening. So strange.

We went to plan b and went to the hookah bar in town. He was lucky and had parking right next to the coffee shop so he beat me to the hookah bar, too. He'd ordered... berry mint hookah? I guess. I didn't notice much of a mint, but I don't smoke hookah often. Don't get me wrong, I'm no stranger to it. Yet...at the same time I have no idea how to set one up, the best flavors, or what different brands are. I've always been spoiled and my friends have had them and I just got to smoke it...

So we ended up sitting and talking and smoking. Which wasn't bad but there was some fair amount of silence. I should mention I'm horrible at knowing what to ask or say on dates. I am overly comfortable with silence so I don't notice when it feels awkward. As a teacher, I'm kind of used to silence. You ask a question and you stay there... quiet, waiting. You will win and a student will tell you an answer if you have to wait all period to get one. Yeah.

I thought that it was a fairly nice encounter, though. It was relaxed, we talked, we smoked, he was nice, etc. He kind of had the same coloring, scruffle-face, build, lip-ring, etc. as Mac... so that kind of threw me off. I was thrown back in time four years when I first saw him, but after that I was over it. We both were on the same page of not wanting to move too fast. Which was good.

He is also from the same town as Fish two, four, eight, and nine... but this is the only fish that drove here to meet me. He actually put in effort. He also came up with an idea that was unique. I hadn't been to the hookah bar before so points for that. And when he left he hugged me and said we'd hang out again soon and that he'd message/text me. I wouldn't mind hanging out with this one again. I wouldn't feel dread at the idea of meeting up with him again either... which probably means I'll never hear from him again. That's usually how it works.

Here's the thing though, the ones I feel like I wouldn't mind hanging out with again are because I felt like there was zero pressure, I was comfortable around them, and I want them as friends because they seem interesting. I don't know that I have a desire to date them necessarily, but I'd like being friends because I want more people to hang out with. I felt like this about Fish Six since we had a lot of similar interests. I just find that the guys that aren't crazy or really intense end up having no desire to ever see me again. And I'm always left wondering why. I interpreted this evening as having gone well... as I had with Fish Six.

I would prefer these men just be straight-forward. I don't like being told we'll hang out again and that they'll text me and never have it happen. I can handle rejection... I don't like unclear rejections because I'm left wondering. I hate being left hanging.

+ Dating...Bah Humbug +

I'm getting to the point that I dread dating. Every time I'm asked out now I get nauseated and end up dreading it. It's hard for me to not just believe that all men are liars probably because I've been led on and lied to enough in my lifetime by men. I've cancelled once or twice on guys the day of meeting them because I was so nauseated by the idea. 

It's just I really don't view dating as fun and everyone tells me it's supposed to be. I must not be doing something right. I just never know what to say or ask on dates. I feel like there's so much pressure to look your best, say the right things, and it's just the one shot. That just stresses me out more. Also the more eager the man seems to meet me the more nervous/concerned I get because I am convinced they're all serial killers. Which probably just means I shouldn't be allowed to watch all the crime dramas that I do. That being said I always have my pocket knife and pepper spray on me during these dates. None of them know where I live. Nor do they know where I work. I make sure of that... but even still I don't always feel completely secure in the fact they're not going to try to murder me later. 

As Fish Ten and I were talking about I think ladies (and me) tend to cancel last minute because we're taught to be so weary of strange men. I mean, it is the internet. Who knows who you're really meeting? It could easily be the next Ted Bundy. I'm just saying. 

Sometimes after work I am so tired, stressed, and burnt out that I want to just not be nice to anyone, not talk, and just live in a world where I can just exist and not have to try to impress anyone. And when guys make me have plans in advanced I have no idea if I'll feel like going out with them after work on that day. And sometimes my friends want to hang out... and face it given the choice of a friend I already like quite a bit and a stranger I'm inclined to really, really want to see my friend. 

I know it's kind of jerky... but seriously sometimes the anxiety of meeting a stranger just builds up too much and I can't force myself to do it. I'm trying to work on that... but I don't know. And seriously guys try to book me up every dang night of the week. Too many guys want to meet me and don't realize I don't want to meet men I have barely talked to... because frankly that's asking to put myself into a dangerous situation. I'd like to be somewhat confident I won't be murdered by the end of the night. Go figure.

+ FANTASTIC! I WAS HOPING FOR THAT!! +

This week has been pretty intense and crazy. I don't entirely know how to take it all in yet...mostly because it's all been so sudden.

I went on two "dates" this week. Really they were meetups. What I've discovered is the folly of dating and putting yourself out there when you're also job hunting. Basically what you're left with in this process is the feeling that it's hopeless.  You'll never be good enough. You sliwly lose yourself and the foundation of who you are starts to get torn down. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I feel lost. I want to run.

Today, after having done four interviews I was offered several jobs. I jumped on one of them before waiting to hear back from the last place. I was afraid if I asked for time to think about it that I would lose my opportunity at it. The fact is I have friends at this job. I pretty much did it all last year. Now I can go there each day knowing I'll be back the next day. No wondering if I'm working the next day or where. I was confident in that choice, happy. For one gleaming moment. 

Then I got told that I shouldn't have accepted before hearing from the other place. I just got a job, at a place I love, in my field.  I should have been happy. Instead I was crying in the post office parking lot feeling like a failure and biggest screwup in the world. How can getting a job make someone feel so awful? Leave it to my family and life.

Then one of the guys I hung out with this week was texting me and I told him how and why I was upset. He just said oh. And proceeded to make me feel dumb. Then we were talking about hanging out. And instead he made it seem like he was mad. Then declined to respond. I don't know what he wants with me. Probably just wanting to dick me around. Story of my life. Whatever.

Is today over? I want a new one.