+ Dating +

So, I met this man.

Well, met might not be the right word. We went to high school together. Once upon a time we had art class together and the room had tiny tables that sat two. He and I were assigned seats next to each other. I only vaguely remember that because he and Alice were hanging out at the time and as her best friend I made a mental note that he was the guy she was hanging out with.

I never gave him much notice. He was just a boy that sat next to me in class. We existed in the same space both listening to our own music in our own worlds. Students were not permitted to talk during class. Maybe a sentence or two were exchanged during the semester or year (however long the class lasted).

I left the class and thoughts of him behind for over a decade.

I dated people, I went into relationships, I got my heart broken a number of times, I was used by men that promised they'd never hurt me, I was raped on a first date. I had learned to move on from a broken heart and slowly heal myself.

Until one day I was minding my own business and he re-entered my life, only this time I noticed him.

He told me he was interested in me and valued my intelligence. He told me I was cute. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with me. He was impatient to get to see me when I got back from my trip.

And for the first time in forever, I was so excited to meet a man. I tend to scare off easily since the rape, and I get afraid to meet new men. I usually have 25 legit excuses ready to break a date when meeting new men because I get panic attacks at the idea of being that vulnerable in front of a man I don't know. I never even had an excuse ready for this man, though. The thought never occurred to me that I should run.

I want to be with this one. With him it seems so natural to want to be around him even if we're not doing anything at all. I'm happy when I'm near him. Every time I kiss him I feel safe and I never want it to end. He holds me carefully. He's intelligent and such a smartass. He teases and mocks me mercilessly and I adore every minute of it, even if I act exasperated. I hope he knows how much I adore him and value him. I tell him, but don't know how much he really hears it. But I'm trying to get through to him. 

+ Tatted Up +

I've been wanting to get a tattoo for about ten years. I've always had an idea of what I wanted. I waited so long partially to be absolutely sure that this tattoo was exactly what I wanted since, you know, it would be a part of me for as long as I am a thing that lives and to see if I'd change my mind about what it was I wanted to permanently carve into myself. I also waited so long because I thought that I would wait until I was completely independent to get one since I knew the parents wouldn't be thrilled for me to get one - even if ajax already has two.

I finally caved, however, and got one after wanting it for so long.

I have to admit, though, I love it more each day that passes.

It's of Majora's Mask (Skull Kid not included) on my arm with the phrase, "You've met with a terrible fate". I carefully chose this because The Legend of Zelda has been a big part of my family, but especially my childhood. My Aunts and Uncles played Zelda when they were young. And of course, I did as well. Though my first was Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I spent countless hours watching/playing with my brother as I was growing up. Link and Zelda will always be my favorite Video Game characters. I love the story, artwork, gaming experience, everything about The Legend of Zelda.

Ocarina of Time is still my favorite, but Majora's Mask had a pretty great message that can't be overlooked.

Despite the fact that Link's met with a terrible fate, he constantly overcomes his fate. He continues to fight and struggle on, each time he wins the fights. His terrible fate be damned. So, I have it as a reminder that no fate can't be won if you don't stay strong, to remind me of my childhood and the hardships I've already overcome, and of course to remind me where I come from (e.g. my family).

I'm really fond of the way my tattoo came out. Not to brag or anything, but it's pretty gorgeous. And I love that it is always a part of me now.

Also in case you're wondering, like most people who have seen it in real life, no it didn't hurt at all. I don't know if it's just because it was my arm or if I have a good pain tolerance. I didn't notice any pain, but I'm good with needles I just don't like watching. It felt about the same as getting a shot, which from my own experiences is also absolutely painless.

And I can't wait for my next one. As I struggled a lot trying to decide which one I was going to get first. My next one is the tattoo that I've really wanted for the whole ten years I've thought about getting a tattoo. It's a celtic version of the Triforce. Celtic for my Irish family. Triforce because each triangle stands for an attribute I strive for - Wisdom, Courage, and Power.

+ Fish Three and POF Update +

So, for some unknown reason I haven't completely given up talking to people on POF. I mean, it's few and far between. I don't respond, but like once a week at best. Though there were some that I text every now and then. I still don't meet many people at all. Mostly because the idea still terrifies me. Mostly because meeting people from the internet always seems iffy to me and isn't something to take lightly.

There was one guy who became super intense and clingy that totally scared me off and that I never met up with and have pretty much no intention of meeting up with. A few other random males that I chatted up now and then.

Fish three, whom I met the other day, was kind of clingy. Texting me quite a bit, unlike most males, though it was a little more than I'd expected. We never really went on a date really, just had a couple encounters. We met up at a local movie/book/game store in town and just kind of wandered talking.

My favorite part was all the random interjections from strangers. One of us would make a comment on something and a stranger would overhear and say something about it, "Duuude! Best movie ever! -Ferngully". Fish three responded with, "I don't remember it, I think I've seen it". I was just like, "Buuuut, it's a classic! Who could forget the batty rap!?" And a random male's injection, "Batty rap is awesome!"

And the best interjection of the night was when I spotted a copy of the Goonies, "The Goonies!" and a random guy responded with, "Hell yeah, Goonies!" and proceeded to try and walk by Fish three and myself. So, I moved to try to get out of the way only to almost trip over fish three, and the random stranger responded with, "Hey, you're still alive!". To which I prepared to respond with something witty thinking he was making fun of my almost very-ungraceful-fall. Only to discover it was actually a male from my past. To which I yelled oh my god and hugged him as if I hadn't seen him in years, which I hadn't. And I introduced fish three and male from my past to be polite and then proceeded to slightly leave fish three out of the conversation as we were catching up. A bit rude, and I did apologize to fish three - but I didn't want to be rude to my old friend.

Fish three and I looked through music to which every place he stopped a boy band cropped up around him - very laugh inducing. We ended up walking around downtown because it was late and nothing was really available to do so we talked a bit. Then went on a drive and sang along to my random DJ-ing. Then I took him home.

Overall he was an okay guy. Nothing against him, but I have to admit Fish Two is still on my mind. I can't really help it. Which may or may not have contributed to the lack of chemistry between Fish Three and myself. I have no idea.

I ended up seeing Fish three again the next night and just hung out while he cleaned. Then watched him and a friend play guitar hero. And by that point I was passing out.

Today he mentions wanting to hang out, that he wants to ask me something in person, and then it got late. And he says he wants his ex back. I'm not sure if it was a line, if I just am horrible at keeping guys interested, or what... but it was kind of surprising considering he had been a stage five clinger for the week or two since we'd been texting. I just don't know - to be fair though... it made my life easier because I was trying to figure out how I could avoid him moving so fast. Plus, I'm horrible at telling people how I feel, especially if it's that I don't have feelings back for someone. In some ways it pretty much saved me from being the bad guy which I have to admit was a huge relief.

But on the other hand it just makes me question what in the world is wrong with me. How can I fail with so many men? Is it me? I have no idea what I'm doing wrong - or maybe I'm not doing anything wrong and it's the Cosmos' way of telling me I'm being stupid and need to chill the eff out and stop bothering and let things happen.

In a perfect world - I would be with Fish Two right now and wouldn't be questioning where I stand. But if I'm questioning things it probably means he's not interested. So it goes. It just can get pretty old, you know? It'd be nice if for once, just once, someone I have feelings for didn't dick with me and was just straight forward. Preferably had some semblance of feelings back. What the hell do I know?

+ The Boys +

I've been lucky in that I have some of the greatest male friends on the planet. They can be there for me through some of my most horrible moments and make me feel not so crazy or broken. They have a way of making me feel together when I seem out of control to myself. However, not all of my boys live very close to me so seeing them is kind of difficult at times. Which totally blows, I might add.

I'm not going to lie and pretend this trip to New York was the best trip ever because we all know it wasn't all that fantastic. It had some pretty intense awful moments. Don't get me wrong some moments were great, but I still have to say that the thing that made me forget about all the insanity and suckiness of the trip were - Cerimon and Adrian. They pretty much made my whole trip back to the East Coast the best ever.

Yep, after a little over a decade we got to hang, and good gravy I didn't think I could love them anymore than I already had. However, now I have managed to find a way to love them even more. They're such adorable sweethearts and so easy to be around. I don't feel completely comfortable with just anyone, but these boys... they had me completely. The moment I saw them I just threw my arms around them and it was just...I don't know how to explain it. You know how there are some people you just know and feel safe around? People that just seeing them all your anxiety and stress in life just melts away? Having them in the same place as me was just like that. All my slight concern and annoyance of the day just immediately disappeared and I was in their arms. I was happy and all I could do was smile - huge.

Especially because these boys, specifically Cerimon, have been through so much with me. We've been pretty damn good friends since we were all about twelve. It was Cerimon I turned to when things sucked with my family throughout my teen years - I don't know how much I've told him over the years, but he probably knows way too much about my family and myself. He's the only person I've spent over half a day on the phone with straight. He's the one I turned to when I was lost and couldn't turn to anyone else because I wasn't supposed to say anything to anyone anyway. However, he's been the keeper of my secrets for more than a decade now. When I was silently pleading for my grandparents to send me the strength that I couldn't muster up within myself when our life was, once more, crumbling because of stupid choices on the part of one specific family member. He gave me the peace of mind I've needed so many times to just move on with my life. It was actually that one horrible moment that brought Cerimon and myself back into each other's lives...and because of that I got to be back in Adrian's life, too. Cerimon didn't have to be awesome and respond to my whiny  ridiculous text of weakness, but I asked him to be there for me as I needed at that moment. And he was there as he's always been. He's amazing.

Adrian, on the other hand, has always been great for some laughs. He was the one who introduced me to

Cerimon. Without him I wouldn't know any of my amazing group from the state. I do so adore them all. Besides Cerimon and Adrian, there's four others that I chat up on occasion. Adrian and I used to chat all the time as well, but after losing contact with the two of them a few years back I hadn't been the greatest at keeping in touch with him. I'm always being told I suck at keeping in touch, which is true. Really I'm only good at keeping in touch with Cerimon, Bianca, and Casanova...

I need to get better at this whole keeping in touch thing. Especially after what a prat I was to Adrian last night. And I do frackin' love him oh so very much! What should be noted is I'm hella good at being obnoxious and teasing the people I care about, but sometimes it's not so obvious it's out of love. Adrian was no exception - teasing him about telling people in my home state that he's a terrorist when he visits just to get him shot at (maybe not the best joke - in a bit bad taste!). At other times it might have seemed like Cerimon and I were double-teaming him too. Oops. He was just so easy to mess with - practically asking for it.

Though I feel like they both got the same amount of torture from me. So whatever. I was making fun of his "hobo beard" as I have dubbed it. There were lots of gay jokes all around, probably too many penis jokes, and too many inappropriate stories - so really it was exactly as it has always been between the three of us. I proved that using a bra as a purse doesn't, in fact, make your boobs look bigger. I'm not even sure how that one came up. There were many moments like that which in normal situations with normal people everyone would be like, "WTF, mate?" but because it was us I didn't bother questioning it.

Though, on an amusing note it was obvious we've all grown up. I mean we weren't always nice to each other with our joking, and sometimes we were all rather immature with our insults. We were kind of annoying and stupid to each other on occasion as kids. Now it was obvious we were all just joking around to have some laughs. At least I caught myself when I was making inappropriate jokes and said I loved them. Haha. They were just so easy to joke around with and laugh with. Amazing smiles and great personalities - such a shame it took so long to get to hang in person.

Surprisingly trustworthy, too. Adrian went out for a smoke break and Cerimon was going to stay inside with me, but I had stepped out to use the restroom. So instead they both just looked confused at my wallet and couldn't decide what to do. They debated taking it outside with them so Adrian could smoke, but then didn't want to make it look like they took my wallet and ran. I don't know why, but I thought that was the cutest thing ever. Such chivalrous gents.

We just talked about well, everything and nothing. Because what else do you do when you're at a random hotel in a town full of awful roads that are labyrinths that have no discernible pattern? Plus, it's not like any of us were all that familiar with where we were. I'm lucky they found our stupid hotel...I'm also lucky they put up with The Family. They wanted to meet my boys - and they were gracious enough to be patient, attentive, and kind to The Family. Not the easiest feat ever.

We discussed whether or not I have an accent. It was decided it was the slightest accent ever, if at all. What can I say? I grew up on the West Coast - I have the "hollywood" style speech. Weird accents were trained out of me. Adrian had a pretty fabulous accent and really I just enjoyed listening to him talk. He had one of those voices that are just soothing and some words just sounded cooler somehow. Cerimon didn't have much of an accent, like me.

We got a lot of chats out of our short amount of time to hang out. Well, it was more than a few hours, but it still felt too short to me.

I'm surprised they don't hate me at some points I got really annoying. Cerimon was falling asleep and I was not having it. Well, mostly because I didn't want to have to say goodbye yet. Then I starting quoting Charlie the Unicorn in his ear... Especially the part where it says, "Silly sleepy head waaaaaake uuuuup!" I threatened to draw on Cerimon's face if he fell asleep which lead to him n I wrestling while he attempted to get my pen. Adrian kept pushing him over and tossing him on the floor to keep Cerimon awake. Jesus, I can't believe Cerimon put up with the two of us!

However, not only did they put up with me they wanted me to stay forever. We joked about me either cross dressing as Cerimon's friend that's living with him to convince his family I was the guy living with them or just flat out kicking him out for me to stay. I was offered a job as a full-time pillow because apparently I'm comfortable to sleep on plus it was an excuse to keep me. They were fabulous.

They didn't really believe in personal bubble space, which I really didn't mind. Cerimon kept putting his head on my shoulder while we were chatting and trying to fall asleep. Adrian sat next to me with his arm touching mine. I was perfectly, cozily sandwiched between the two of them most of the time which was fine by me.

The best thing about Adrian and Cerimon is how they didn't want to leave me as much as I didn't want to leave them. I walked them out to the car and they kept talking and trying to find excuses to not leave yet despite the fact Cerimon was shivering like crazy. They probably hugged me about ten times for minutes at a time. They were probably the best hugs ever because I almost never felt so loved in all my life. They genuinely seemed to be sad to go, and that was very sweet. They gave me the best goodbye ever, and in waiting so long to leave they forwent a lot of sleep despite having to work today. They were even already talking about wanting to see me again soon - Adrian suggesting they really need to road trip to see me, Seriously. Like this Summer. It was touching that they really wanted to be around me.

One of the things that make them so awesome is that I had texts from both of them today telling me to have a  safe flight and tell them when I got home safe. They told me how they kept saying after they left they should turn around and come back. Those kinds of things are what made me feel genuinely cared about and they didn't have to be so damn friendly and amazing. But they are and they're already talking about wanting to see me again, so score.

God, I love these boys.

P.S. The Devils suck ... That's for Adrian, even though he'll never read this. And if he does he's either going to punch me or punch Cerimon if he feels he still can't punch me. Lulz.

+ Every Family Has One +

In all family situations I am considered a black sheep. I would like to point out that in theory I shouldn't be. I honestly can find no discernible reason, other than my age, that I should be considered the black sheep. The biggest problem with my age is that most of my cousins are 9+ years older than I am and the other cousins I have are 9+ years younger than me. I am in the special awkward age gap that no one else can reach. As a result I spent way too much time with adults. I've been conversing with, presenting myself to, and speaking as an adult since I was about 12. As a result I'm pretty serious, mature, and appear older in most social situations, especially around my family. That's probably one of the reasons I am always mistaken as the older sister between Ajax and myself.

I'm not sure if I'll ever be considered anything other than a black sheep. Have I mentioned that on my father's side I was the first grandchild to graduate from college? I was working toward that goal since the age of 13. I always assumed Ajax would beat me out of it, though. I want to have a consistent career and complete my too many goals. I'm not sure what aspirations, if any, most of my other cousins have...particularly on my mother's side. 

Anyway, being the awkward black sheep of the family it would only make sense that the family try to banish me to the back so that they could pretend I wasn't present at my cousin's wedding reception. I mean it would make total sense that they shove me with people I didn't know, away from all of my family I was there to visit. I admit, inside I was livid. I thought it was stupid that I had to be the one shoved away. I couldn't understand why they couldn't find a single family member of the (100+ members) for me to sit by that I knew. Especially knowing I came with my family and that I was friends/sista from anotha mista (and same mister) as three of the groomsmen. My second brother was the groom! And they couldn't pick at least one person I knew for me to be by? Am I that much of a loser/failure? In any case after my one statement of, "This is totally ridiculous" I left it at that and graciously went to the table of shame as I was placed at. 

The problem is no one could predict the attitudes that would gain from The Dad and my uncle, Doctor Death (I'll explain about Doctor Death in a moment). The thing is...I'm kind of the adored lady of the family. At least with the extended family. I am the niece with the good head on my shoulders, witty, calm, brave, and endlessly intelligent. I have goals and I am used often as a positive example to all the other younger cousins (1st, 2nd, 3rd cousins - it doesn't matter). Doc Death was so not happy - partially because The Dad knows how to read me better than most. He could probably tell I was still so not thrilled about being put by myself. And partially Doc Death was not happy because The Dad said I wasn't. He happens to be fond of me and wants me happy. Oops. 

So out of no where while I'm trying to be mature and just grin and bear the suckiness of being placed away from my extended family it's been almost a decade since last I saw, Doctor Death comes swooping in to attempt to save his damsel niece. He tells those at the table that sorry he is claiming his niece for his table and they will have to do without me. However, then there was no room for him which was totally not okay with me. Other people at our table got huffy that he was giving up his seat and then started getting ugly to me snapping why can't you just eat dinner over there? It's just for dinner what the hell is my problem? As if I asked for any of that? After a moment or two of rude comments to me I just shook my head and waltzed on out of there. 

At that point I was drunk and upset. I ran into Mrs. Death (aka my gorgeous aunt) and wandered off into the bathroom where in my drunken state I got a little more emotional than I normally would have. I just wanted to be left alone. What was I s'posed to do? Where to go? I didn't ask for all that drama. Stupid family. Stupid weddings and chaos. 

It was decided, while I was in the bathroom with Mrs. Death, that I would go back to the table that I was assigned to. She would play interference with Doctor Death and The Dad. Which worked all right. I went to the table I was supposed to be at, except naturally, someone else jacked my seat. I literally had nowhere to go at that point - rad. 

I did what any sane person sick of family drama would do - head straight for the bar to get another Tom Collins or Whiskey Sour. Oh yes. Best idea ever. Especially considering that is where cornering number two happened and more people got in my face about how selfish and stupid I am. Where I once more peaced out and ended up drunk dialing Alyss, Bianca, Obi-Wan, Hamlet, and finally Dercetus. 

It's funny how times like those you figure out who is willing to be there for you when you kind of need it. I didn't think in a million years it would have been Dercetus that would be the one who would answer no matter what. I mean he was at work and he still had the kindness to be there for me. I appreciated that - even in my drunken state. You know when you're crazy upset and you know it's irrational, but because you've been drinking it all seems totally justified? And you feel insane, but then you hear a friendly voice and things seem better so you just have to cry because you feel like you're not alone and that someone in the world gets you? Yeah, that moment happened on the phone last night. I heard his voice and was so grateful someone answered I just started crying. I'm cool like that. 

I probably wouldn't have been so emotional and teary had I not gotten pretty acquainted with my new friend, Mr. Tom Collins. Drinking at family affairs might not be the best idea, but sometimes to deal with your insane family you can't be sober. 

Anyway, after everyone stopped yelling at me I ended up at the Groomsmen Table as they had an empty seat and I had no where to go. Ajax and his friends graciously agreed to let me join them. I got an upgrade anyway. I later found out it was someone's brilliant idea to put me at a table with old men that were single to try to hook me up...the problem they forgot about is I'm a family member. Meaning I'm not going to hook up with my cousins - I don't care if they are third cousins or not; that is still gross just thinking about. 

I want to admit I think it's lame that Hamlet blew me off after I'd answered his text questioning why I called and said that I called because I needed a friend as things were really sucky. He just never responded. He doesn't respond to anything anymore. I stopped trying like a month ago because he wouldn't respond. I have to admit I was a bit hurt, though. I thought we were supposed to be friends and instead I feel like we're nothing anymore. I hate losing people that I end up caring about. It sucks quite a bit. I guess it was bound to happen. I should have known better than to assume things might work out favorably. Really all I want to feel like we're still friends the way we used to be, but I feel like instead we went backwards. 

After all the stupid family drama the wedding ended up pretty good.

OH! About Doctor Death - I'm giving my uncle that name because he definitely has the attitude of a mad scientist and supervillain. He's one of The Dad's brothers, and he is probably the most hilarious man ever. I adore Doc Death. 

+ Thanks, Cosmos, I Needed That +

After the last however long it's been hitting the fan, I've lost track of time, I needed something good to happen. It all seems like one ridiculously long day that won't ever end. It's groundhog day and I can't get out of this time-warping loop stuck on repeat until the end of time. But in that darkness something good came.

I regained a Cerimon and an Adrian.

The best thing about life is that no matter how dark it can get, and it can get oh so very dark. Eventually something positive will happen again even if it feels like that's an impossibility. If you're patient a saving grace will come to you.

Apparently Cerimon is the one I turn to when I "drunk" text people. I say drunk, even though I wasn't at all drunk. I was exhausted - I had got maybe like 5 hours of sleep total in about four days. I had been forbidden of talking to people about the storm. I can understand why they didn't want me talking about it to anyone, but that creates a world that is very closed off and leaves you feeling quite lonely and broken. I was suffering a perpetual migraine and just hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare and come to find everything a mere dream. I had spent three hours in a small room cramped and exhausted. Six hours had been spent crying. For reasons I'm still uncertain of. I know the general logistics of why I was crying - exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, terror, unknown feelings, anger, pain, betrayal, you name the emotion I was experiencing it.

I mean I know I wanted to have a chat with Nana, but as she's been in the afterlife for eight years that wasn't really an option. Even if she had been alive I would not have been permitted to talk to her. So the predicament was there regardless. I felt hopeless and lost. All I could do was let the tears slip silently from my face and wish things could be different. But things aren't different. I was just stuck. I was exhausted in every sense of the word, I was broken, I wanted to do something -anything- but there wasn't anything to be done. I needed to talk to someone, but it was expressly forbidden. So all that was left of me to do I did. I silently begged Nana and Grandpa for strength I didn't have. If anyone had unwavering strength and patience it was them, and if there was any way for them to help me through my hardships they would do it for me...even from the afterlife. I felt weak and exposed. Stupid.

By the time I'd gotten home in my desperation of human interaction of someone who wasn't my family - I reached out to Cerimon. Many times in the last 2 years I've tried in vain. I don't know why I thought it might work out this time, but reach out I did. And I got a response.

Me: Cerimon...Is this still your number? I know you never respond, but I could use someone to talk to because I'm at a breaking point...I may not deserve it, but if you get this...Can you please respond?
Cerimon: Who is this?
Me: Zelda.
Cerimon: I've missed you so much...I think about you now and then, but I lost all my numbers and there are certain people I'd rather not get back into contact with these days, and you were never one of them but I couldn't tell who you were. I've been very disconnected these passed few years. I really don't know why...
Me: I've missed you, too. And this last week has been awful and I've no one to turn to. And you have no idea how glad I am that you answered me. I'm a mess and I feel silly and stupid and broken right now.
Cerimon: What happened?
Me: It's a long story, family issues I don't really want to text, but if at any point you have time and wouldn't mind a call I could tell you. I'm borderline trippin' haven't slept much. Maybe 5 hours in the last four days. It's been one heck of a time. 

That's the gist of how we got back into contact. It feels a little pathetic now, but I was broken and needed to reach out to someone for human contact. And he was there to tether me back to solid ground as I needed. It was nice to have someone who knows, god kind of everything, about me there. It was nice to know I wasn't alone, despite feeling that way. And it was nice hearing a familiar voice that despite years having passed still felt safe. He's one of the few people I've always been comfortable around - not needing to hide from. He never seems to judge me which is a nice change in humanity. He just listens and keeps me grounded.

And he brought me back in touch with Adrian, too. Which is pretty hilarious - I never thought that would have happened... Sometimes one needs a blast from the past to keep a sense of reality and give one something to cling to in times of insanity. I couldn't have wished for a better sign from the Cosmos to let me know the world wasn't over.