+ Time to Become More Sheikah than Princess +

 It doesn't seem like anyone is going to protect me or save me. Seems as though I'll have to do that myself. 

In an attempt to make myself feel safer I've bought a key entry doorknob, cameras, pepper spray, and a stun gun. Of course, I discovered our house doesn't even want me to protect myself as the door knobs don't come off our doors. The screws are for looks only, there's not hidden latch to detach the knobs from each other, they're just permanently in the doors. I've watched so many youtube videos trying to figure out if there's some kind of secret to my stupid door... But at least the cameras are set up in the rooms I'll be in most often. Hopefully hidden enough they'll never notice. 

The pepper spray and stun gun are always on me now. At least in a pinch I'll be able to use them to hopefully get away. I have a recording app on my phone so any time I'm stuck in a room with him I can record to protect myself. I've also been watching youtube videos on self defense moves to knock out long enough to run. I need to practice them more. 

I  also have a bag in my car ready in case I need to run I'll have some essentials. I also have a safe place to stay and hide where I won't be found, but can go day or night. I shared the threats with safe people. I'm doing everything possible to take care of myself. I just wish I didn't have to. I wish I was believed enough that I was safe. Maybe that's why I never told as a child, maybe I knew even then no one would believe me. Maybe this was my destiny. 

I just hope that I don't lose my life because my Dad can't believe the truth of his own son. 

+ When Childhood Crashes Back to Reality +

 My reality has been a struggle for the last week. 

My childhood trauma is cracking through to my reality in current day. I've managed to shove the trauma and pain deep down in my mind, but I'm not winning anymore. It's all coming back. I'm reliving every second of that abuse. I am afraid. I'm not safe in my living environment. Today that became clear to me - more clear than it has ever been.

Ajax threatened my life. 

All because he tested covid positive, and I listened and began deep cleaning the house as Dad is older and has a myriad of health issues. Dad cannot get covid. Despite Ajax telling me to just start cleaning and he would tell me what to grab and put outside so he wouldn't have to come in and could go get a hotel. He came in hours later after I'd already been cleaning. Screaming, throwing a fit, full blown tantrum. He said that I said I was going to wait until he got there to grab his stuff so I wouldn't have to clean the same things over. I had just pulled the bedding off from the guest bed and put it in the washing machine, but hadn't gotten a chance to start it yet. He started yelling and calling me stupid because I didn't check the sheets or shake them out. Apparently his girlfriend's glasses were in the sheets, and I retorted that it's stupid to put anything in bedsheets (because honestly anyone that has glasses knows better than to be stupid with them). Ajax said, "If you don't stop running your mouth I'm going to punch you in the face". I said I'd call the cops and he responded, "Cool, I'll make sure I do permanent damage". 

That doesn't seem to sound threatening to some people apparently, but most people don't know that he's done it before to another girl. And another. I know how serious Ajax is. I've seen his rage and been on the receiving end of his hate.

God knows Dad didn't seem to take it seriously. That's kind of the whole problem. No one takes my imminent danger seriously so I'm stuck living with the person who's likely to kill me. Once again, my family is telling me that I don't matter. Great. 

Here's the thing, though. Those threats aren't a new thing. I've only recently ended my silence. I have been beaten and abused my entire childhood. From my earliest memories throughout my teenaged years my body was riddled with bruises. Ajax was never stupid enough to do permanent damage on me...yet. It was always in places no one would ever see. Slowly I'm remembering more and more - some memories never left: they've been burned into me. 

When I was two, Ajax slammed my head into the wrought iron railing to our staircase in our California home. He slammed it a few times. I was crying. I felt betrayed. I remember it like it just happened. Ajax's childhood best friend held me as I cried, but no one said anything. That was how I formed my first crush. He wasn't always nice to me, either, but he was nicer than Ajax and pretty much all I ever knew. Though, there were other sinister things, too. 

A lot of the incidents I can't remember exact years, for instance, I remember being handcuffed to our staircase in our parents house. They'd leave to go on dates - Ajax would handcuff me and leave me. He'd hog tie me so I couldn't move my arms or legs and leave me in the middle of the room. There was a kid bull whip my parents got my brother one time and I was on the other end a time or two. My bro had nunchucks one of our family friends made him. He had sighs that he'd hit me with - pure metal against my skin or bones. 

One year he got steel toed boots "for work". They might have been for work, but my shins met them much more than anything else. All of seventh and eighth grade my shins were bruised. The other kids at school discovered the fun game of if you kicked my shins I'd make a fun noise and often collapse. Little did they know I was getting kicked over and over at home. The bruises were sore so their game only made it worse. There was the "deer attack" - you'd hold your fists a certain way to look like a hoof and rapidly and repeatedly punched the upper arm. I'd try to fight back and only get hit worse. Every day was a nightmare. I never had an escape at home. 

He would punch and kick me all the time at home. My arms and legs were littered in bruises throughout my entire childhood. I was always afraid to show any skin. I was scared that if my teachers or friends saw that they would take me away from my parents. I didn't know anything else but fear. Of course, over the years friends did see. I always said it was from my brother, but would brush it off as no big deal. Enough to make my friends think it was okay. At that point I already knew that if someone told I would just get beat worse the next time I was alone with Ajax. And I was alone with Ajax every day. I tried telling one time... my parents didn't take it seriously, and I got punched and kicked so bad the next day. My parents always talked to Ajax if I tried to tell them anything even if it wasn't about the beatings, and he would deny any claim I made against him and somehow he was always the one they believed. 

If you believe Ajax, I was always tattling on him. I deserved everything that he did to me. He never hit me that hard, I'm just a whiner, No one will believe me, I'm a drama queen, I'm a liar, I don't know what I'm talking about, etc. I was taught that I don't matter. I was taught no one will ever believe me. I was taught that I'm worthless. I was taught that I deserve nothing and no one. I was taught I'm lazy and don't do anything. 

No matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I take care of everyone, no matter what I do it is never enough. 

There's more things that have happened to me, but what good does it do? 

Finally at fourteen, I found an empty beer can in the play room. I asked Ajax if it was his, he denied it, I shrugged. I knew Dad's friend had just fixed something in there and forgot about it. Some time later, a half hour or so, I called Mom at work. I think I was trying to get permission to sleep over at a friend's house or returning her call; I don't remember exactly the reason. We always called mom at work. Anyway, Ajax got it in his head I called to tell Mom he was drinking beer and punched me right in the face - hard. I ran away to my friend's house three doors down, but she wasn't home - so I hid in her backyard. The bruise covered my face from brow to lips. I couldn't hide it. I didn't wear much makeup and certainly not good makeup. Dad saw and I hadn't gotten hit since then. Dad thought that was the only time it ever happened... I don't think Dad even remembers that incident. 

When I told him everything a couple days ago, he'd said sorry and that he didn't know. I told him I'm afraid for my life. I told him I don't feel safe. He said, "What do you want me to do?"...helpful. I told him about the threat on my life today, Dad just says Ajax won't do anything. I told him about how he's done it before and told him who it was done to... Dad just said "You can't possibly believe that's true". I told Dad he threatened my Fiance's life or to have someone kill him and how he tried getting family members to make me break up with my fiance... He shrugged. He doesn't understand how I'm upset that he doesn't believe me. Dad says that he didn't say he didn't believe me. Though, he certainly isn't taking my safety seriously. He just is convinced Ajax isn't a threat. He tells me I need to calm down. He tells me Ajax and I have to get along. 

I'm only here trying to take care of Dad. I'm literally putting my life in danger for him. I sacrifice everything I am for everyone else. I can't even be believed in return. I hope that I don't become another statistic. I'm scared. I'm not safe. I'm doing what I can to take care of myself, but everyone moment might be my last here. 

+ I'd Never Had A Panic Attack Before +

 Ajax keeps escalating. He keeps screaming, throwing fits, and cursing. His rage is scaring me. His entitlement. His threats. It's all coming back. 

Dad and I were talking. I don't remember what about or how it happened. I just remember that I started hyperventilating, I couldn't breathe, I was crying and everything was spilling out. The things I thought I would keep to myself forever. Suddenly, the seal was broken and I couldn't stop. I told Dad a lot of the things Ajax did to me. How he'd beat me, how I had to hide my arms and legs, how I was too afraid to ever tell. I told him that he's escalating like he used to. 

Dad said he never knew and he's sorry. 

I don't know what to do. 

I've never told before. Well, Dad. 

Fiancé knows. He's known early on. I don't think there's anything that Fiancé doesn't know. Or if so, nothing that he doesn't know by intention. Like it's possible things haven't come up or things are still hidden in my mind waiting to be triggered back into memory. Ajax threatened to kill Fiancé or pay to have someone do it. 

There's evil in there. I thought Ajax had gotten over it, but he hasn't. 

I'd been forced to pretend everything was okay for so long. I let my mind tell me it was nothing but a bad dream. My brain told me I was okay. Ajax was annoying and immature, but I was fine. My mind tried protecting me in the only way it knew how, but it's wrong. I'm not okay. I'm not safe.  

+ Tantrum Throwing Toddler +

 I've been working a job that I hate for the last year and some amount of months. The job was toxic and due to it I wasn't getting sleep, getting time for anyone else. All I did was take care of Dad and work. So, Monday I got the official call telling me I was hired at the company Bianca works for! It's a great arrangement and it's a work from home job. So, naturally, we needed to get better internet and wire it in to a room that I could work in as it needs to hook directly into the router. 

So, Dad decides that the guest room is the place I need to set up. He didn't want wires going all over the house or all over different floors. As a result, he asked me to clean out and go through Mom's belongings. It's been three years and three months since she passed. Sometimes I still can't believe she's gone. I ask them both if they want to help, want anything in particular if I find it, or if they want to be a part of it. They tell me no, I can do it by myself. Cool, fine, whatever.

 So, I've been going through the closet, dresser, and desk that are in the room. There's stuff everywhere and all over the bed. It's not pretty. Eight giant yard trash bags full of clothes, shoes, hangers, trash, etc. My stuff is still everywhere from when I moved back. Everyone just kinda tossed my belongings any and everywhere and there's no where to put anything. Mom's jewelry dresser is still in the room pretty accessible.  

Anyway Ajax goes into the guest room yet again to throw stuff out of his way so he can sleep in the guest room with his girlfriend. I say please leave everything alone because I've been working to clean up for two days and the donation center is closed on weekends. There's nowhere to put the bags until Monday, and I don't want him messing up the work I've done (I have limited time because training is going to start soon and I'm going to need to set up my work station). And they don't need to be in the room with mom's stuff when I'm still not done going through everything. He ignores me and tells me he's going to sleep in there. I continue telling him no and he screams at me that, "I'm fucking done with you both, I'm going to take my money, my stuff, and leave". I tell him to go then. I hear Dad moving and coughing downstairs. So, I fill Dad in on what happened. 

Dad doesn't want Ajax in the guest room, either. The last three months Ajax has essentially moved his girlfriend into the guest bedroom for the better half of every week. Every day off I've had - Tuesdays, Wednesday, and Thursdays - they've been using the guest bedroom so I couldn't even go in there to try and find any of belongings and often other days they're in there, too. 

Two days ago the internet guys came in and we woke them up to get out of the guest room and Dad had mentioned that they couldn't be sleeping in there anymore (though, frankly, Dad doesn't like people in his house at all as Ajax knows). Dad said I need to clean it out and then I'll be working in there so it's not a place to sleep. Ajax has a room (Though, he's been whining that there's stuff on his bed and it's only a twin... nevermind he could buy a new bed as he's always bragging about how much money he has). The girlfriend has been ridiculous. She's been coming and going as she pleases. Even when Ajax is sleeping in the living room and she's not here - she'll waltz right into the house on her own. No idea how she's getting in... if Ajax gave her a key, the garage door opener, or what... Ajax will leave her in the guest room unattended when all of Mom's jewelry is right there, despite Dad not wanting her to stay here  at all. At the end of the day, that's what's pissing me off the most. Dad keeps saying that he doesn't want her here and Ajax just does what he wants. It's Dad's house. Why is Ajax such an entitled brat? He literally thinks he owns everything. He isn't grateful for having somewhere to live. Nothing. He thinks he does everything and realistically... he takes the trash to the curb 50% of the time, gets Dad's snacks at the grocery store and if Dad doesn't give him enough money he'll pay the extra $10-20, and sometimes sweeps, mops, or vacuums. That's not the flex he thinks it is.  

So fast forward to today, Ajax throws another fit the second I wake up and make coffee. I'm literally taking my first sip of coffee and trying to put something on the TV and he mutes the TV to zero like a brat (nevermind it was only on like 20 volume). I turn it up to at least hear, he turns it back to zero, and I tell him to stop. He screams something about thinking I own the tv (he was asleep... it's a living room) and tears the plugs out of the wall and storms away. Dad comes up a few minutes later and asks what's wrong with the TV. I tell him. Ajax throws another tantrum. Screams at Dad. Tells Dad he's done, scream, curse, whine he can't use the guest room... And Dad folds like a cheap suit. He starts asking me to move the stuff so they can sleep there. Ajax says no, he's fucking done, he doesn't even want to anymore. 

Regardless, Dad has me go back into the guest room to continue fixing it (which I was already going to do after I drank my coffee and watched like an episode of something). So, I vacuumed, wiped down, and cleaned the closet entirely. Then I took Mom's jewelry dresser and shoved it in the back of the closet and started placing all of my belonging in, on, around, under, and over the dresser so no one could get to it. Then I piled all of the donation bags in front of the closet so at the very least no one could get into anything without some struggle. However, not before discovering the jewelry dresser's lock was broken and it wasn't broken before they started staying in the room. There didn't appear to be anything missing, but I didn't get a good look...so who knows? Ajax was already giving some of Mom's stuff to his girlfriend. 

It doesn't help that his girlfriend has been rude to me for weeks. She used to be cordial and say hello and then one night just flipped. She was trying to mop the kitchen, and I was at the sink cleaning my travel mug so I could get ready for work. She asked if I was going to be done soon. I said I'd be going in and out for another half hour until I left for work. I finished washing my cup and went to the living  room to sit down while I was waiting for my laundry to finish in the dryer. Five minutes later I get up when it went off and she's mopping the kitchen. I just go grab a towel and stand at the edge waiting. She said something about me saying I was done, and I said that I'd said I'd need in and out until I left for work. She got snippy. And never was nice again. She stopped saying hi, started making faces when she didn't think I saw, etc. So like already I'm over her in the house when she's being rude. 

But the Precious Prince Ajax always gets his way. I'm not surprised. He throws tantrums and then Dad just lets him do what he wants to get him to stop. Then Dad complains to me that he doesn't want Ajax doing the thing that he just caved on. 

I'm over his attitude, his rage, his fucking ridiculous antics. 

+ I'm Gonna Be a Mrs.! +

 I went to visit my boyfriend for his graduation. I'm going home engaged! 

Sunday, we went to a vineyard for a cute couple time and booked a room there. We thought we were taking a cooking class, but it ended up being more a demo where we ate and drank wine. It was kind of cute. There were a lot of older couples everywhere, but the people we sat next to were nice. We chatted and it was fun. 

After we were supposed to go on a tour of the vineyard, but for whatever reason they weren't offering tours that day (Which was where he had been planning to propose). So we ended up getting wine tastings and the glass to keep at the end. It still ended up being nice. The tasting room was cute and there were people everywhere. The outside was pretty with a little lake. 

After we went to the room which was so cozy and nice. It was named for a famous couple. It was such a fun style of room and even came with a jacuzzi tub and giant shower. We had champagne glasses and chocolate covered strawberries. 

The couple that sat next to us at the cooking class also got a room so they let us look at theirs. The bed and breakfast at the vineyard was such a lovely place. There were stained glass windows and lots of natural light. The people were sweet. 

Fiance and I ended up going to buy legos to build and he settled on a car. We went back to our room to build it and we got about halfway done. I ended up getting impatient and wanted to use the jacuzzi tub as I had gotten bubble bath and a bath bomb, hah. While my bath was winding down, he asked me to marry him. It was cute and sweet. I'm so happy that he's mine. <3 I can't wait to be his. 

+ Ten of Swords +

I am not by any means huge into Tarot or Astrology. I am not an expert. That being said I've dabbled since I was teenager. I've always been surface level interested and done my own readings and readings for friends. Though, mostly just for fun. As well as it's easy to read for people that you know, you can look at a card and knowing the meaning apply it more directly and concretely to what you know about the situation or person. Still, for me, it's something fun and a way to clear my own head.

 My mom bought me my first tarot deck (well, actually decks... but one of them wasn't a traditional tarot deck but one of those fairy decks that don't use the major or minor arcana, but like... their own kind of deck schematic) when I was a freshman in high school because I discovered my favorite modern artist at the time by pure accident. I was browsing Hot Topic like the little goth girl I was - and in the clearance section was a beautifully illustrated book illustrated by and collaboratively written by Joseph Vargo. Besides writing Tales from the Dark Tower, he had a lot of different things with his art on it. One being a deck of Tarot cards he illustrated. To this day, it's one of my most prized possessions. Not just because it was a gift from my mother or the work from my favorite artist, but because it is beautiful. It's made many moves with me and despite a ton of use, the cards still look like new. 

That was perhaps some unnecessary background for the point of this post, but I figured it'd explain the title a bit better than without that quick info. 

Today my card is the Ten of Swords. 

It feels fitting with what is going on in the world as a whole and within my own life and head space currently. It could be indicating a great many things on a personal level. 

It is rock bottom, closure, finished, or giving up. It's accepting the end of something and moving on. It indicates that something new is waiting for you. 

It is saying you can only go up from here. Self-pity and martyrdom is not serving you so you should stop the feelings of being weighted down and help yourself. Learn from your mistakes and continue to improve yourself. The time for pity is over. 

As a whole, the world today has this aura everywhere we go. With Covid-19, everyone is feeling stuck, restless, unhappy, and they are feeling sorry for themselves with the idea of being contained or having their freedom stripped away. Sheltering in place, for many, is the worst it's going to get. Yes, isolation can be crippling. Yes, it's hard to feel connected with your loved ones when you're not able to see them or hold them. However, if that's the worst it gets for you, you're lucky. It's about being selfless for a little while so you can protect the vulnerable. I would hope that when I am at the point I'm vulnerable others would be willing to do the same for me. It's pointless to hold on to the illusion that you're sacrificing or a martyr by staying inside your home and watching Netflix all day. 

It's important to remember this isn't going to be forever. 

On a personal note, this card could be indicating a good deal more. 

It's almost a year since my mother died. We didn't see it coming. There was no sign we could have looked out for. She'd just gotten her battery changed in her pace maker and it went perfectly. She was feeling good and had energy. I didn't for a moment think it would happen so soon. I honestly believed there would be another decade or more with her. It sunk me into a pretty good sadness. I'm still not sure I've coped with everything involving her death. Then, I'm not always the best at reading myself. Or worse, I think I am reading myself and it'll be completely wrong. So, honestly, your guess is as good as mine on whether I've effectively mourned or not. I know there were a good many days where it felt like I could barely work and come home and want to do nothing. I didn't wish to die, but you know "Birches" by Robert Frost? It says he'd like to get away for a while, but may no one half understand and grant death to him. That. That is what I was feeling. I wanted to just not be for a little bit. Other times I cried and it would hit me out of nowhere. Now, I don't cry much... sometimes I block it out of my mind entirely. Others I feel numb about it. 

I also go through spurts of feeling incredibly lonely. Being quarantined has definitely made that a bit more difficult and more prevalent. Yet, I know I don't even have it as bad as some. I am an essential worker so I go to work everyday and get human interaction. Though, most of it is certainly not positive. Mostly I deal with people yelling about wait times and just wanting to yell at strangers in general. Still, it could be worse. I am working and getting paid so it's hard to really complain. 

I also am back in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend which is a struggle. It's hard only being able to talk on the phone and with all this going on... well, there's a lot less to talk about. We're both doing the same thing every day so the conversation gets stale at times. It can be frustrating. We've had disagreements on finances and about precise word choice lately. Which adds to the fuel. So that's been a struggle. 

Then, finally, there is my view of my job life. I've been struggling with this aspect for a while. For me to feel happy and fulfilled I need to work in a job where it feels like I'm helping people. Some in my field believe we do. Perhaps it's true, but it isn't the kind of helping that feels like it makes a difference. Especially with the negative customer interactions I end up receiving. Plus in my section I don't really do anything to help them. I do base-level interactions that are the same every day. I got bored shortly after learning the job. I've fought to move up and I would have, but instead I had to move back home to help out. I feel so unfulfilled and frustrated. When I transferred I went from feeling like I was trusted and a member of the team to this new place where I'm constantly being watched (not just me, everyone), told I'm not talking right (I'll say the same thing, but because I don't use the exact same words they would use, it's wrong), constantly micromanaged, you ask to go to the bathroom, you're not trusted to take your break correctly so you have to record it, things I was trusted to do before now require a list and signing off saying I did it, lists for everything, etc. There is no room for responsibility or growth. Granted my old job before I got into this career paid next to nothing, certainly not a living wage, I left knowing I was helping teenagers. I was teaching them not just content, but also skills to achieve in life. I was helping them up their writing skills, reading skills, I was teaching them about life through master works of literature, and I was having amazing interactions with people. I was building relationships and everyday was different. It was challenging at times, but it was rewarding. I got along with my colleagues, I was valued and trusted, and I made friends in my coworkers. People I still count as friends today. I miss those feelings. 

Which leads to why this card matters today. 

I've been trying to figure out how I can improve my life and my sense of self. I am someone that needs to help people in my core. I am an ENFJ - a teacher, a giver, and a carer. It is inherent in me to help others. I need that in order to be happy and to feel complete. 

I am under the impression that I won't get to teach. It is apparently not in the cards for me as I've been applying for over eight years and can never get hired over veteran teachers (which I mean, is fair). I am finally at a point to come to terms with that fact. Maybe teaching isn't the path I am supposed to take in life. 

There are other options to fulfill what I believe is my purpose. I'm looking into starting graduate school for Clinical Social Work. If I'm being honest, I didn't know during my undergrad studies that Social Work was more than CPS or adoption agencies. My only information about it was from A Child Called It which, admittedly, had me wanting to look into social work when I was in middle school but decided to go with my lifelong dream of being an English Teacher instead when it came time for college. I always thought maybe my interest in Social Work was fleeting, but it was before I realized what a wide array of fields and jobs it encompasses. It could lead to so many different types of helping and teaching. It sounds like it involves all the things I value and the things I've always wanted to do. Plus, if I really want to be in schools - I could be a school counselor and teacher. My teaching license hasn't lapsed. Maybe that could get me in the door to teaching or maybe I'll love being a clinical social worker and want to stay in a therapy position. I'm not sure. But it's a start to find a new path for myself - a new beginning that I feel deep inside I need for myself. 

+ Murphy's Law +

I'm so sick of everything that can go wrong actually going wrong. I can't remember a time in my life where I was genuinely happy anymore.

It's just one thing after another these days. I'm losing hope that things will get better. If this is life  I'm not sure I want it.

Don't misunderstand me. I'm not suicidal. I'd never kill myself. I'm just so unhappy.

I miss my home. I miss my family. I'm always stressed about making ends meet. I have a job that is unchallenging. I wake up every morning just wanting the day to be over and I come home to another problem. I pay $800 a month for an apartment that has things breaking all the time, I've lost hundreds in groceries with the amount of times the fridge has gone out, they've charged us for fixing things a second time even though they never fixed it right the first time, etc.

It's a lot of little things that have been building for a really long time. 

And every time I get upset by it, my guy doesn't seem to understand. He just shrugs and says it's life and he's used to living like this. I'm not. I get mad when things break or when I get charged extra because they didn't do their job right. He never wants to fight. He never wants to make it better. He can't be on my side. And it hurts.

I can be crying and he just stands there. Why won't he hold me? Why won't he tell me it'll be okay? Why can't he help me make things better? I'm always alone.

+ So If You're Lonely... +

It's been over a year and I'm still of the same opinion of Texas. There are 49 better states. After all this time the single pro is the few people I love that are here. My boyfriend being one.

But I struggle here. I'm fading away and forgetting who I am and what I want. I feel stuck and like my life is on hold. I'm moving nowhere. I'm accomplishing nothing. I'm lonely and sad.

I have nothing to look forward to in my daily life. Just an abyss of things I find unpleasant. I work at a job that is easy and lacking challenges. Every day is the same and unfulfilling. I miss the challenges of teaching and the way that even on the most difficult days it felt like what I did mattered. It wasn't just a job, it was who I am. I never asked myself I smiled enough or pretended to care about how this stranger's day was so I could maybe turn them into a number logged into a machine that told them I was working. But, yes, Texas you are giving me 66% more money (but wait there's more!) and larger bills I can't afford!

So. I go to work everyday at a job I hate and pretend it's great. I smile and say all the right things. I laugh at my coworkers jokes and say "yeah, I had a great weekend so glad I'm back". Hoping one of them might form a genuine connection with me and let me gain a friend to no avail. So I pretend everything's perfect and do my job and hate it every minute. Where I go home and wish and yearn for connection and love. But I feel empty inside.

Boyfriend also works and goes to school. We get little to no time together. Usually when I get off work he's headed to night classes and then he comes home, asks me what's for dinner and then leaves to do homework. I go to bed and he stays up doing homework.

We both have Sundays off. But we've made sure we don't get alone time together. We have magic or d&d or Pokemon Go to do with people. More people that I smile to and pretend everything's perfect while I want to cry and wish for connection.

I feel so alone. And when I bring it up to boyfriend that I feel lonely and can't figure out why he doesn't want to spend time with just me he tells me we always fight and who wants to spend time with that? So other people is better and easier. And then I wish I could be different. I wish I were happy like I used to be. Then I remember I had friends and genuine connection and that he had loved me and made all these promises to me. He was different, too. He wanted me then. I had things I loved to do. I had a life of my own. I loved going to my gym. I loved hiking. I had family and friends that loved me fiercely. I had things I did. I didn't have to tag along with boyfriend when hanging out with his friends to have human interaction.

I miss who I used to be. I miss my home. I miss not feeling empty. I miss not hating Mondays. I miss not hating my job. I miss not feeling so lonely I want to hide from the world.

Two Roads Diverged...

I'm having trouble adjusting to this state. Try as I might, I can't help but feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm so lonely and unhappy. I feel isolated and a little bit broken.

It's hard to make this place home because I already had so many bad memories associated here. There were happy ones, too, but in my isolation and loneliness it's hard to find the good or remember it. All the bad floods in and takes over my memory.

It's so much easier to remember the time I got scolded and called stupid because I was watching the 10th Kingdom because it had fairytale characters in it. Or the time I went outside with everyone and despite using sunscreen getting a sunburn that bubbled and blistered and took over a month to heal. Or the time I accidentally dropped a bottle of nail polish that smashed on leg of the kitchen stool and got yelled at even though mom cleaned it up.

It's true I'm holding a grudge against a state due to childhood trauma that had nothing to do with now and that clearly the statute of limitations is up on.

However, I'm not perfect and am having a dark time. I  don't know how to fix this sadness. I've spent the last five or so days crying myself to sleep. Then I'll get better for a week or so and then the crying continues.

It's also hard because I'm in pain all the time. My back is in shambles. If I sit or stand or be in any position for more than a couple minutes my back screams protests. I try to do things to help, but mostly it has remained the same. The healing process is so slow.

My existence consists of going to work, coming home, and hoping the boyfriend will make time for me. And repeat.

The boyfriend is all I have here. And he's busy with classes and work, too. I know he has to do those things, but I wish he'd set time aside for just me. Even when he's done he'll stay up and do his own thing. I hate going to bed alone. I'm always alone. In the dark moments I wonder what I'm doing here if I'm just going to be alone.

He doesn't understand and gets mad at my loneliness. He says I'm not doing anything to fix it. It's my fault. I just want comfort. I just want to feel loved. I want him to hold me when I'm sad. I want him to surprise me with his attention for just me, or an unexpected date, or just a reminder he cares. I wish he was better at handling my demons...

I love him. I enjoy being around him and when he does give me his attention, he's the absolute best. I feel safe and happy every time I'm in his arms.

Having friends here would help. I'd be able to get out and do things that he doesn't want to do and won't. I think it'd take some of the pressure off him. Right now he's all I have and he is a homebody so my boredom doesn't help.

+ Donde +

Day 28: Where you want to be?

I'm not sure what is really being asked here. I doubt it's actually referring to a geographic location, though.

For the moment where I'd most like to be is with the smokin hot boyfriend. Being away from him is so hard. I miss getting to be around him and getting to see his facial expressions and being in his arms. It feels safe and secure being around him. I'm happy and feel at home around him. Sharing space with him is easy. 

Besides just being with my Link, I want to be somewhere I can forge my own path and not have to rely on my family. I want to be able to take care of myself. It's likely that means Texas and a new job and a new home with the boy. 

That's what appears to be in my future... 36 days.