A few years ago I decided to try to actively search for a relationship. I never had a ton of luck in the male department. I would get dates here and there but none were ever very interested in sticking around. I'm not really sure why. Though I can say with absolute certainty that I've never had a problem keeping male company in the form of friendship. My brother had me transformed into a nerd girl long before I realized that wasn't the norm. I wanted to be just like my older brother, Ajax. I followed him around like he was the most amazing person the world created. No matter how many times he shot me down. I think I've always wished we could be friends despite everything, but I was always turned away.
I've always attracted the kind of men that weren't into intelligence in a potential mate. They thought I was cute and interesting, but carrying on conversations could be rough. It was hard to be myself. I had to change my diction or try to rephrase a lot so they could understand what the hell I was talking about. The average looking men who were in physical labor fields were the ones that asked me out. They'd try to sleep me and that's all they were ever after. Whether or not they got in my pants they would then disappear. Those are the types I came to expect. It's all I thought I'd ever get or deserved because I wasn't perfect or the ideal.
I wanted to see if it was even possible for me to find a guy I could be in a relationship with. I knew other people that got into the whole dating site thing and had found some decent luck. I thought the worst that could happen was I would get my ego bruised even more than it already was. No huge deal, right?
What men don't understand about being a woman is dating is scary. You never know if your date is going to be a serial killer or a rapist, especially on a dating site where you don't get to see them in person before talking to them. The clues you get into a person's personality when meeting them in person doesn't exist through messages online. So when you meet them for a first date you don't know what it is you're coming face to face with. It could be fine...or it could be something sinister.
Luckily, I never met a serial killer. However, that's where my luck had ended. One of the men I went out with for a beer. He seemed so normal and charming. We talked, laughed, and walked. I was perhaps a little naive agreeing to go to his place. We were watching a movie and started kissing. He went for my belt and I told him no. He seemed gentlemanly and stopped. I figured it was a good sign. So when he offered me another beer I didn't think much of it. I didn't think much of getting tired, either. There were no warning bells going off in my head because he seemed so average.
So, when I came back to consciousness you can imagine my surprise at having lost my pants inexplicably with him on top of me... and inside of me. Flopping on top of my uncovered and stolen body. There's something so surreal about waking up to that unexpectedly. I didn't feel like it was me... my body was reacting without my permission. And I couldn't get him off of me or out. He finished and got off of me without having used a condom. I couldn't believe that it had happened... he was only the second person who had sex with me (making a total of three times).
The thing about society as a whole is that women are told that if we put ourselves in situations that could be construed as unsafe we're asking for it. It's so ingrained in us as women that I told myself it was my fault for over a year. I blamed myself. I hated myself. I didn't think I deserved to be happy. I told myself I must have wanted it or my body wouldn't have reacted to the sexual stimulant. I told myself that I wasn't a victim as if that was the worst thing in the world to be. As if not having control was the end of world and meant I had it coming.
It's laughable to me now.
I said no. Unconscious people can't consent. Unconscious people don't want sex (or tea). Whether the body acts like it wants it or not. Whether the unconscious body acts like it wants to be taken the brain isn't in it, the consciousness that lives inside the body isn't in it. It's stolen.
It wasn't my fault. I didn't ask for it. I matter. That pain matters. It demanded to be felt and finally one day I let it be felt. And that was when I truly began the healing process. That's when I really came to terms with who I am as a person. I came to terms with why I was so afraid of dating and men...
It had been three years and about four months since I went on a date.
I'm still not always okay, especially when it comes to meeting men or going on dates. I was supposed to go on a date with a guy I hadn't totally felt comfortable with. Despite telling him I was afraid because I was raped, he called me stupid. He cursed at me. He made me feel awful about myself. He made me doubt my instincts and made me feel as if I don't matter. As if my fear and feelings weren't accurate and didn't matter. It boggles my mind that men can think rape isn't a big deal. That that guy had the audacity to make me feel bad for a fear that comes up for me when being around unfamiliar men.
Luckily for me, though... not all men are as awful as he was or as awful as my rapist.
There is a man who is understanding to my situation. He's patient. He's kind. He isn't pushing anything. He genuinely cares about me. And for the first time in years I was excited about a first date. I didn't come up with my usual 25 possible legit excuses to bail. I didn't want to bail. I didn't have a panic attack. I was so excited to see him. I didn't wish for it to be over. I wanted it to last for as long as possible.
He didn't kiss me like he was trying to convince me to have sex with him. He kissed me calmly like that was the most natural way to kiss and never moved his hands from my back or arm. Never pushing for more than kisses. Calm and gentle.
I've never known a sweeter man. I've never had a man actively want me or tell me that he was excited to be with me. I've never had a guy around that made me so happy. I don't know if it's because he's the first man I told that took the information and just acknowledged that it was a horrible thing that happened to me and made me feel validated, or if he's just as amazing as he seems. He doesn't treat me like I'm broken or damaged, but he treats me like a person. He teases me, laughs at me, gets snarky and sarcastic with me - just like I tend to do.
It's been a couple weeks and he's still pretty amazing. I didn't think I deserved someone like him, but I hope I do. As he makes me happy and is the first man in forever to treat me like I matter.
Don't get me wrong, he's surly, sarcastic, ridiculous, funny, intelligent, kind, sweet, irritating in a cute way, impossible, snarky, and a hairy man-beast. But that's kind of all I could hope for. His weirdness is exactly what draws me to him. We're so similar in our sense of humor and our general dislike in people. I hope that things keep going this well. I haven't been this happy in the company of a man in forever...
I feel comfortable around him. I know that he is a safe place. When I'm in his arms or just near him I feel at ease and that's something I never thought I'd be able to feel around a man again.
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