Every time I put real thought into the likelihood of my future as a teacher I have to sit and wonder. Mostly, I wonder: Why? Why, indeed, there is even an article that explains much of this.
Why would I ever want to kill myself trying to do something that, yes I love, but will never be something that will allow me to support myself? There's no way I'll be able to afford to live comfortably and be a teacher. Heck I certainly knew it wasn't anything that I would make the big bucks at, but I always thought that it would at least allow me to not live quite paycheck to paycheck. I'm slowly realizing that even that is probably not feasible. I'll always be working to make ends meet. Unless I marry rich. Haha - as if!
I want to be able to teach, but all I see everyday are students that are cocky and know everything already. Homework? "I don't need to do that to pass the course - teachers can't afford to have zeros in their grade books. They'll back out of my zero". And you know what? Those students are right. The students learn they can get by doing the very least amount of work and do just fine. Why would you teach skills for the students to learn? Such as not procrastinating (as much), doing their best effort, joy of lifelong learning, and knowing that you can't keep a job (or grade) without doing the work involved. Those are things that are imperative for students to learn, but more and more just aren't gaining those lessons because teachers are too afraid for their own jobs to teach those lessons. Students can't get zeros (Even if they earn them fair and square)! Why teach things that make the subject fun? There's a standardized test that is in only five months! Must shove as much grammar, math, and vocabulary down their throat as possible as I watch their eyes glaze over and I know they aren't listening anyway.
The politics and nepotism in schools is enough to give any new teacher whiplash and fear. I can't get interviews or even hear back from any school unless it's for jobs I haven't even applied for. School districts don't want to hire new teachers. They would rather give false hopes to newbies in hopes they'll take the jobs no veteran teacher would ever think to accept (aides, title 1, substitute teaching, etc.). Veteran teachers know better, while newbies don't. I certainly didn't. I've foolishly been thinking that maybe this would be a foot in the door, but more and more veteran teachers keep telling me that this is actually the kiss of death for a teaching career in this town. How helpful.
What school districts don't realize is this creates such a huge burnout in new teachers. I see all of these things that proves to me I might be making the biggest mistake ever wanting to teach. I see that I have to fear the grades I put in my grade book, even if those students earn a low grade. I can't give them one. I have to watch as I am told my methods are wrong and my novels can't be taught because they have been banned by faceless ghosts yelling "this is trash". I have to fear students who feel wronged and decide to bring guns to school to kill me for lessons I chose to teach or because students were being bullies and they want revenge. While not being allowed to teach those kinds of literature that bring light to the horrors of those situations to allow discussions and compassion for both sides.
I already feel burned out on teaching and I'm not even a real teacher yet. Everyone likes to throw that one in my face. My degree is a worthless piece of paper. I'm not a teacher. I don't have my own classroom so I'm nothing and my opinions don't matter.
I am less than the lowliest totem on the totem pole... even though I have a degree in this subject and have been in the school since I graduated. I might as well not even be qualified for anything. Thanks faceless teachers putting me in my place, also thank you for pointing out I look just like the students. That never gets old.
I guess I just struggle knowing if this is what I want with me life. Maybe if I could be given a chance to teach I'd feel differently. Right now I just want to escape this choice I made because it feels so much like the wrong path in life. The thing is this is what I've wanted to do since forever - I have no idea what else I would do with my life if not this. I mean besides write. I've secretly always wanted to be a novelist, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment