I'm back to the point where I have a fear of being stagnant. I want to get up and leave. I don't know where I want to go. I don't know what I'd do when I get there. I just know that I feel trapped and unhappy where I am right now. You know, in my career. Overall I'm not entirely unhappy.
I am in a constant state of feeling confined and like I'm not in complete control. I wish I knew where I wanted to go. Maybe I just wish I had someone to go on an adventure with and run away with me somewhere. We both know that's not going to happen anytime soon.
I'm ridiculously picky with my companions - platonic or romantic. I mean I date like 11 or 12 guys and I basically decide against them all? That's picky and possibly proves that I'm impossible, which shouldn't be a news flash for anyone. I've never been anything but impossible for as long as I have been cognitively aware. I certainly have never been one to love everyone.
Words all seem so meaningless.
Yet everything that I love and truly means anything to me is words (keep in mind people are excluded here). I love written works. I love the emotions they elicit within people. I love how they can cause a revolution and bring out the best and worst in people. Literature has power. That is what, in a perfect world, I would be teaching right now. I would show my students that literature is amazing and teaches about life and everything that matters.
Instead I am working a job that feels like a lot of headache and no self-satisfaction. I feel like it makes no difference. I spend my days doing exactly the same thing and get paid next to nothing for it. All while basically begging that they give me a chance at teaching... which I question on a regular basis if I even want to do that anymore. What the heck would I want to teach for? More of a job that I'll get paid next to nothing for and have to deal with rude people and horrible office politics.
When did I become so cynical? I'm not sure that this had always been a part of me. I honestly think my cynical nature took over somewhere between subbing and my current job. Alas, who can say?
I just know that getting paid next to nothing to do a public service job such as educating is pretty lame. Heaven forbid they pay a wage that you can live off of. That'd just be ludicrous.
No comments:
Post a Comment