I so don't think I'm meant to play the field. I feel like I don't have the mental capacity to have this nonsense work out. I just don't like hanging out with people I don't feel comfortable around and it's not always worth it to stick around until it feels comfortable. I kind of think that when I don't feel comfortable around someone it's proof they're sketchy and I should peace out.
The biggest thing is I don't know if I know how to let people in anymore... other than the people who have already broken through those barriers. I mean I'll tell Viola, Cerimon, Bianca, and a few other close friends that don't have names on my blog pretty much everything that happens in my life, but that's because I've known them forever at this point. They broke through those barriers years ago.
I haven't posted much on here lately because well... there hasn't been a whole lot new with my dating life or much else for that matter. Just been working a lot and wondering what I want to do with my life. I have, however, deleted my PoF account.
There's only so many pigs you can handle talking to before you finally decide the best course of action is to throw in the towel and let it be. I'm bored with being propositioned to have meaningless sex. Plus there was the super fun conversation where a girlfriend decided to tell me I went out with her boyfriend. Awkward much? The saddest thing is I didn't have a clue. The second man to trick me like that. I hate that. It doesn't help with my inability to trust or believe many men that enter my life.
It also doesn't help that the man I'm crazy about, that I was convinced I'd never see again, crashed into the picture again because of a drunken phone call from a mutual friend that demanded I visit. He happened to show up. I'm not going to lie, this man was the biggest reason I gave PoF a try. I needed to find a way to get over him and all people would say is to find a new one. A new man is the only way they insisted.
Eleven men later and he still was breaking through the surface of my thoughts. On a date with Fish... Eleven? A song on my zune comes up and it is all I could do not to cry because my memory of this man came up... How sad is that!? Doesn't help each date was worse than the last, with maybe one or two exceptions. Still none could hold a candle to this man that owns my affections. He makes me feel... I don't know. I can't describe it. I've never felt safer than when I'm in his arms.
My reactions to him are ridiculous. He kisses me and forget it...I want him. My being hurt later on be damned. He's a stupid man-beast, but he cares. He's just the kind of man I've always wanted. Smart, funny, encouraging and builds up my ego (telling me I'm very intelligent), makes me feel safe and protected, always on my side, can talk to him about anything without being judged, and he has a way of calming me and making the things bothering me seem like nothing. He always makes things seem so easy with him...our friendship, being around him, etc. And all the physical stuff is amazing. He has the qualities I've always looked for in a man I could see myself trusting and being with.
That's about where I'm at with things currently.
Work is... work. I love it. I am exasperated with it. It is challenging. It is wonderful. It is ridiculous. It is playful. It is awesome. It gives me all the kinds of feels.
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