For the last few days every time my phone has gone off I've gotten a little more irritated. The irony is right as I typed that my phone went off and I was instantly more agitated. I just am getting to the point where I need space from everyone and everything. It's exhausting to communicate with people all day. It gets old.
It might just be the fact that I am on PoF and these men are crazy about messaging me. Blowing my phone up as often as possible, yet once they meet me they tend to stop bothering entirely. Or if they do continue to talk to me it's few and far between. I'm only someone they need before they meet me. Then things change and like so many others in my life they decide they can do better than me. I get it. I'm not the thinnest girl. I'm not the prettiest. I'm not the sweetest. I'm ridiculous. I'm fair - eyes and smile being my best physical feature so the consensus would say. I'm witty. I'm intelligent. I have goals set and know kind of what I want out of life. It might not happen... at least right away.
Every time I get a new message from a guy I get mentally exhausted and annoyed. I'm irritated with men. I'm irritated with having to talk about myself. I'm exasperated with caring about trying to sell myself because you know what? I am fantastic and if they can't see that then they can get out of my life and leave me alone. I am so much more than some woman to be walked all over by these men that just want to proposition me for sex like a common streetwalker. I am so much more than my breasts. I am so much more than a container for men's cum. Thanks for the faith, men.
Part of me wants to cut all ties with every man I've met on PoF and just forget it ever happened. So many of them are liars. I have to wonder if all men really are as useless as some of the ones I've met. Don't get me wrong... these dates are good experience. I had never dated around a whole lot. I'd gone on a few here and there over the years. Some of the guys I've met are good and decent they really are - there was just no way it would have worked out. Others are pigs and wanted to stomp all over me. Not my idea of fun.
The biggest thing keeping me from cutting ties and deleting PoF is I've already made some commitments to meet a few guys and I don't want to be a liar. Pretty stupid excuse, I guess. Maybe it's just the rare mood I've been in for the past few days. I just am not feeling people at all. Technology is irritating me. People. Life. Potential Jobs. Getting jerked around by potential employers. All of it. With everything that's been going on the last few weeks my identity is getting pretty cut down.
This idea of dating people while also applying for jobs is pretty hard on my psyche. I don't think people realize just how insane it is to do that to themselves. It feels like everything is an interview. Then you hear nothing. You start to over think. You go a little mad. You wonder what's wrong with you. You think you'll never be good enough for so and so or this job. You doubt everything you stand for. You're left wondering what you can do to change things. Get a second interview or date. But you have no answers. You just get more exasperated and you get headaches and you wonder...
And you want to run away to your favorite cousin, but know you can't. What I wouldn't do to be in the arms of my extended family that I know love me and be told everything is working out exactly as it has to. As it's meant to. I don't know how to take things at the moment.
If I could I would disappear into the woods for a while and leave all technology behind me. I need to find myself again. What better place than the emerald woods that call to my very being? That always feel like home to me and has no technology. Being a hermit in a beautiful hermitage in the middle of nowhere. Discovering yourself and refreshing your psyche, soul, and mental stability.
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