This week has been pretty intense and crazy. I don't entirely know how to take it all in yet...mostly because it's all been so sudden.
I went on two "dates" this week. Really they were meetups. What I've discovered is the folly of dating and putting yourself out there when you're also job hunting. Basically what you're left with in this process is the feeling that it's hopeless. You'll never be good enough. You sliwly lose yourself and the foundation of who you are starts to get torn down. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I feel lost. I want to run.
Today, after having done four interviews I was offered several jobs. I jumped on one of them before waiting to hear back from the last place. I was afraid if I asked for time to think about it that I would lose my opportunity at it. The fact is I have friends at this job. I pretty much did it all last year. Now I can go there each day knowing I'll be back the next day. No wondering if I'm working the next day or where. I was confident in that choice, happy. For one gleaming moment.
Then I got told that I shouldn't have accepted before hearing from the other place. I just got a job, at a place I love, in my field. I should have been happy. Instead I was crying in the post office parking lot feeling like a failure and biggest screwup in the world. How can getting a job make someone feel so awful? Leave it to my family and life.
Then one of the guys I hung out with this week was texting me and I told him how and why I was upset. He just said oh. And proceeded to make me feel dumb. Then we were talking about hanging out. And instead he made it seem like he was mad. Then declined to respond. I don't know what he wants with me. Probably just wanting to dick me around. Story of my life. Whatever.
Is today over? I want a new one.
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