I'm at one of those places in life where I am standing at the threshold again. It's exactly how two of my favorite professors put it when I entered college. They taught "Art, Artists, and Madness". It was a perfect mix of literature, psychology, and art that was amazing for a required course. As all of us were Freshmen and new to college we talked about thresholds and how they are the moments in life where essentially you are standing in a middle place. You have two directions to go essentially. You can go forward and face what's to come, or you can go backward and stay where you were. We did a lot of more fun projects - it was the kind of course that taught of the importance of not letting stress get to you. It encouraged us to be artistic and creative. It was one of my favorite classes I've ever taken, even today. I think one of the reasons it affected me so was because it was fun and you learned. I loved that I could spend my time writing poetry, drawing, playing with arts and crafts and be graded, you know? It made me feel carefree and it encouraged me to go outside and write, which is basically one of the best pastimes ever. If you haven't done that often, I command you do it like, NOW. Well, maybe not right now because it's the middle of the night and it won't have quite the same affect. Especially if you're afraid of the dark.
The way I see thresholds often is how Robert Frost puts it, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood/ and sorry I could not travel both/ and be one traveller, long I stood/ And looked down one as far as I could/ to where it bent in the undergrowth". So here I am standing where two roads diverge and here I stand waiting to figure out which road I shall choose. This threshold that awaits before me isn't like the ones we talked about in Art, Artists, and Madness because it's not a forward or backward threshold. It's one that is equal and either direction I choose will hold a future for me. My problem is I don't know which road to take. I'm stuck here in a daze trying to figure out which road to follow. I'm at a point in my life where I literally have to choose, no more pretending I've chosen a long time ago.
Down one path is the one that I'd mapped out for myself years ago, since I was a little girl. However, now that I'm here I'm facing doubts and confusion. I guess you could say I'm fighting my own Threshold Guardian... Except I'm probably not an Archetypal Hero figure. So I'm not sure that comparison works for mere mortals like myself. Before you judge me too harshly for being such a huge nerd, know that I'm getting ready to teach the archetypal quest of the hero so it's all fresh in my mind right now.
Anyway, back to my doubts and confusion...I'm not sure if it's just because of my unfortunate experiences (which one day I may chronicle for you...), or if it's because I've discovered this isn't what I really want with my life. I just don't know anymore, and I think that is what's the most terrifying thing of all. I would love to just know what my future holds. I just want to be told if this is the path I choose. Future me, just give me a sign because God knows I am struggling right now.
But all I hear is silence from myself while God keeps telling me to just hang in there, and yet all I see is that forest with two roads diverging. My well-worn path that leads to the future I've mapped out since childhood, and the road less travelled that leads to the unknown. Frost would tell me to take the road less travelled... but the reality is I don't think I have that luxury.
How can you take the road less travelled when you have wanted something for so long? I've worked my whole life for this. It's surreal that I'm facing this kind of doubt and confusion. I have never been confused about what I wanted to do with my life. I certainly have never been so afraid of my future before. I'm hoping that all this fear and doubt is just coming from the reality of it all... You know, that I'm almost done with college and I have to be an adult in the real world. I have to get dressed up in business suits and beg employers for a job and tell them how amazing and awesome I am when I have no real experience. Seriously, that's totally scary! I am terrible at talking myself up and pretending I know everything. Just. Terrible. Please, God, give me strength. You know I need it right now.
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