After the last however long it's been hitting the fan, I've lost track of time, I needed something good to happen. It all seems like one ridiculously long day that won't ever end. It's groundhog day and I can't get out of this time-warping loop stuck on repeat until the end of time. But in that darkness something good came.
I regained a Cerimon and an Adrian.
The best thing about life is that no matter how dark it can get, and it can get oh so very dark. Eventually something positive will happen again even if it feels like that's an impossibility. If you're patient a saving grace will come to you.
Apparently Cerimon is the one I turn to when I "drunk" text people. I say drunk, even though I wasn't at all drunk. I was exhausted - I had got maybe like 5 hours of sleep total in about four days. I had been forbidden of talking to people about the storm. I can understand why they didn't want me talking about it to anyone, but that creates a world that is very closed off and leaves you feeling quite lonely and broken. I was suffering a perpetual migraine and just hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare and come to find everything a mere dream. I had spent three hours in a small room cramped and exhausted. Six hours had been spent crying. For reasons I'm still uncertain of. I know the general logistics of why I was crying - exhaustion, confusion, loneliness, terror, unknown feelings, anger, pain, betrayal, you name the emotion I was experiencing it.
I mean I know I wanted to have a chat with Nana, but as she's been in the afterlife for eight years that wasn't really an option. Even if she had been alive I would not have been permitted to talk to her. So the predicament was there regardless. I felt hopeless and lost. All I could do was let the tears slip silently from my face and wish things could be different. But things aren't different. I was just stuck. I was exhausted in every sense of the word, I was broken, I wanted to do something -anything- but there wasn't anything to be done. I needed to talk to someone, but it was expressly forbidden. So all that was left of me to do I did. I silently begged Nana and Grandpa for strength I didn't have. If anyone had unwavering strength and patience it was them, and if there was any way for them to help me through my hardships they would do it for me...even from the afterlife. I felt weak and exposed. Stupid.
By the time I'd gotten home in my desperation of human interaction of someone who wasn't my family - I reached out to Cerimon. Many times in the last 2 years I've tried in vain. I don't know why I thought it might work out this time, but reach out I did. And I got a response.
Me: Cerimon...Is this still your number? I know you never respond, but I could use someone to talk to because I'm at a breaking point...I may not deserve it, but if you get this...Can you please respond?
Cerimon: Who is this?
Me: Zelda.
Cerimon: I've missed you so much...I think about you now and then, but I lost all my numbers and there are certain people I'd rather not get back into contact with these days, and you were never one of them but I couldn't tell who you were. I've been very disconnected these passed few years. I really don't know why...
Me: I've missed you, too. And this last week has been awful and I've no one to turn to. And you have no idea how glad I am that you answered me. I'm a mess and I feel silly and stupid and broken right now.
Cerimon: What happened?
Me: It's a long story, family issues I don't really want to text, but if at any point you have time and wouldn't mind a call I could tell you. I'm borderline trippin' haven't slept much. Maybe 5 hours in the last four days. It's been one heck of a time.
That's the gist of how we got back into contact. It feels a little pathetic now, but I was broken and needed to reach out to someone for human contact. And he was there to tether me back to solid ground as I needed. It was nice to have someone who knows, god kind of everything, about me there. It was nice to know I wasn't alone, despite feeling that way. And it was nice hearing a familiar voice that despite years having passed still felt safe. He's one of the few people I've always been comfortable around - not needing to hide from. He never seems to judge me which is a nice change in humanity. He just listens and keeps me grounded.
And he brought me back in touch with Adrian, too. Which is pretty hilarious - I never thought that would have happened... Sometimes one needs a blast from the past to keep a sense of reality and give one something to cling to in times of insanity. I couldn't have wished for a better sign from the Cosmos to let me know the world wasn't over.
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