+ Tides Ebb and Flow +

I am dating a new man. He makes me feel safe, happy, and cozy when in his arms or I'm near him.

I opened up to him in a way I haven't really with anyone about my rape and sex. In doing so, I tore myself open again. I didn't mean to and I didn't know that would be the outcome. I ended up crying in the middle of my gym, yet again. Just suddenly - my insides were torn open.

I hate that I was broken in this way. I hate that the monster that pops into my dreams when I least expect it did this to me. I hate that he stole my ability to get into sex for almost four years. I hate that sex terrifies me because of a rape that happened so long ago... He's made it so that sex has some very negative associations for me. I hate that even now, almost four years later, I can be brought to my knees from memories of the intrusion into me.

Even now, I'm fighting the urge to cry all over again. I feel stupid because I don't even know what is causing me to feel I need to cry. I'm safe now. He's nowhere near me...I haven't seen my own personal monster since the rape. There's nothing here to hurt me.

I have a man that I love and am safe with. He knew I'd been raped and that didn't stop him from being a friend to me, and it didn't stop him from pursuing a relationship with me. He's healing me in ways I didn't know I was broken.

After I was raped, I still wasn't treated well by the few men I had sex with...

The first guy I was with was in an open relationship with his girlfriend who went to a different college. He used me, and I let him because I thought I could change him...because girls are idiots. I believe this is also the story of one of my friend's v-card loss, too. So, at least it's not just me.

The second guy - my rapist. I still blame myself a little because I could have been smarter, but he'd been gracious when I said no earlier that night. I had no idea I'd be drugged and raped...

The third guy was the only one that got me off. At all. So, I mean props to him for that. But he also disappeared on me without a word. Then, I was using him subconsciously to attempt to get the rape out of my system so... well, we used each other.

The fourth guy lied about being single, was awful in bed, and kicked me out mid-way for me after he lasted all of 30 seconds. Then couldn't understand why I was pissed upon leaving. Then I got a message from his girlfriend, not because she was mad but to invite me to a threesome... needless to say I invited them both to get out of my life.

The fifth guy toyed with me for a year, dragged my feelings around, was the reason I was raped in that I started dating to get over him and the rape came of the dating. I still ended up in bed with him as a lousy time and then he never spoke to me again...

All of those experiences together make for negative associations in all aspects of sex for me. I'm timid, I'm shy, and I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't totally know what I'm into. I'm afraid I'll be thrown away by anyone not patient enough to let me explore with them. I want sex, but it also terrifies me because of all the ways I've been messed up by men.

I didn't know that it's not normal to be unsatisfied, angry, and severely dislike the guy after sex. I didn't know that wanting to kick him out of your bed, space, and life immediately was not the norm. That's just the results I had after sex all the time. I figured I was broken and that there was something wrong with me.

The rape tore me apart from the inside out. It's damaged my psyche and associations with sex. It's made me question all men no matter the context or time of day. It's made me afraid of men, night, sex, relationships, my thoughts when I'm alone, dreams turned nightmares, and it rocked me to my entire foundations...

It's also made me stronger and more apt to fight. It's made me able to explore my depths and tear down my walls and know myself. It allowed me to reclaim myself and fight to find truly good men.

My ex was what I needed to show me I could and should trust men again. He was the harmless man I needed after my rape- too afraid to so much as touch me, yet showing me some kindness.

He opened the doors for me to allow my current boyfriend into my life. My boyfriend is definitely the best man I've come across ever. I couldn't be happier with any man. He's patient, kind, loving, sweet, gentlemanly, sexy, funny, goofy, nerdy, lovey-dovey, sarcastic, cute, and everything I could have ever hoped for.