+ Struggle Bussing +

Day 8: Write about something you struggle with.

I feel like lately I've focused quite a bit on my struggles. I showed my hand with the demons that torment my mind in the article I got published on thought catalog. I shared my struggle a bit with having to say goodbye to the guy I was dating that I fell ridiculously hard for. I talked a bit about my struggle with my self worth that always ebbs and flows. To be honest I have a lot of struggles in life. I think that's the biggest human condition - fighting for self-identity, their place in the world, and all the baggage they pick up along the way.

Right now one of my struggles is trying to be independent in this world. I yearn to be able to take care of myself. However, this town isn't one made for people starting their careers. There's very few opportunities and none at entry levels. If you are to succeed you better be a veteran in some field and have made a name for yourself as you raise your children. Those demographics can make it here and live comfortably.

If, however, you are newly graduated trying to start a career there's not a lot going on. To be fair, it's not a big city. It's the PNW. While it's beautiful here and has lots of rivers and lakes there's little jobs and too many people fighting for them. I've never been without a job, but I've also never had a job that paid a living wage that allows me to live on my own or even with roommates. My car payment takes about 40% of my monthly income right off the top before I've done anything else. I have maybe $100 a month not accounted for. If I didn't live with my parents I would be homeless and I work full time.

I'm slowly having to face the very real possibility that if I ever want to succeed in any way I'll have to move somewhere else. That's a struggle in and of itself. I hate the idea of having to leave the people I care about - I've forged friendships at my job after the four years I've been here, I've grown ties with my students after multiple years helping teach them, I grew up here and still have childhood friends and classmates in town, the fly fishing club I grew up in is here and I've grown with these men and women, and my parents are still here. I have a lot of ties to people that anchor me to this town.

I grew up on the rivers here. Through fly fishing I gained a bond with my dad no one else in the family has. The waters and forests here feel like home to me and leaving them will feel like I am missing a part of myself. I love freshwater and trout. I'm not an ocean and sand girl, but that is likely going to have to change if I ever want to have a real go at life.

I think the other real struggle is that I am afraid to leave. You might as well call me "Sam-Wise", I'm afraid to step too far off the Shire land. I'm afraid to fail so far from home. I'm afraid I won't be able to get a job in the new place. I'm afraid of not being able to pay my bills, as if that's the worst thing in the world. I'm afraid I'll move and hate it because I'm alone. I'm afraid I won't see my friends again or that we'll lose touch so much they won't be my friends anymore... I'm afraid I'll leave and my parents will die without me seeing them again- a complex they've given me by mentioning how their days are numbered on a daily basis for the last ten years.

I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid to take those first steps. I'm afraid I'll always be a failure.

Obi-Wan thinks I will have a job the second I join him in his home. He thinks it will be that easy and automatic. If that's true... I guess I'll have to try. I should get serious and prepare for a new adventure...