Day 23: A letter to someone, Anyone.
Dear Man who Claims my Heart Next Whenever and Where Ever You are,
I might be afraid of you. I might be beyond afraid of you. I might desperately try to run in the other direction from you. I might fight with everything I have to not fall for you. I might try to push you away. I might tell you that I don't want to be with you or anyone else. I might try my damnest to not fall for you.
I hope you know, however, that it is not you. It's my past that has me so afraid. I am willing to trust you if you fight past my barriers. If you are able to claim me and convince me to take a leap of faith - Thank you. Because right now I don't think it is possible for you to exist.
My heart is far too broken and damaged for me to believe a person out there can exist to ease me into a relationship and be happy about it. My history will tell me that you will leave me as soon as you can, as soon as a better girl comes along, as soon as the wind shifts for no reason at all.
If, however, you manage to get to the point of getting me to trust you, please don't betray that trust. I can assure you that if you pull me in and give me a real chance you won't be sorry. I am the kind of lady that men dream of in most respects.
I am not the kind to want a lot of attention. I like to blend in to the world around me. I find my calm in places where I can exist in harmony with the things around me. As such, you can guess I don't want a lot of male attention. I want one male's attention - whatever male ends up choosing me. Your attention is all I want and I will fight off any other attention happily. That's not to say I don't have male friends - I do. I have men in my life that have stood by me through everything and you can bet I won't want to give them up for anything. I've lost too many people to death in my life to say more goodbyes than I have to. But just because I don't want to have to stop talking to my male friends doesn't mean you won't be the most important one to me. I just hope you'll be able to trust me enough that I get to keep all of you.
I like getting to dote on the people I care for. Typically this means I'll want to surprise you with food or anything I know you like. I'll want to cook for you. I'll want to bake for you. I'll want to spend as much time with you as possible. I'll want to show my affection for you however you'll let me. I'll want to be able to feel safe talking to you about anything and not feel like I'm bothering you if I text you first or a couple times in a row as funny or weird things happen to me throughout the day. I'll want to take you on dates. I'll want to do whatever I can to spoil you and show you that I love you. I'll want to give you attention and a lot of it. I'll want to take care of you in whatever ways you'll let me. When you're upset I'll want to comfort you and hold you. When you're mad I'll want to calm you down or distract you - unless it's directed at me and I might flee.
I will do anything to convince you to stay with me. I've been left inexplicably too often at this point to not try to fix whatever is broken. I will be wanting to struggle to keep you even if you already have one foot out the door. I hope that you won't feel this way if you're in a relationship with me, but you wouldn't be the first.
I will be shy and timid in regards to anything sexual. I will feel ashamed and very prude-esque, but know that chances are if I am with you I'll want you... just maybe won't know how to show it or what to do and not feel stupid. If for no other reason than I haven't gotten much experience. I might have a number of five, but the total of times is still only seven. And one of those was a case of rape and the foundation of sex has been a little muddled for me since. I will not feel confident, but I'll want to please you and so I will be confused and scared. I will be terrified of having sex with you, I'll be overthinking and wondering if I am good enough and if you are happy. I will not know how to act or relax. I will want nothing more than to make you happy, but I'll be convinced I'm sucking. Mostly because being in a relationship and being physical has never happened to me. I've mostly been used by men who pretended to care that I let play me and tossed me aside the first chance they got. Maybe it was lack of experience, maybe it was something else I don't think I'll ever know the real reasons. Maybe I was merely a conquest. Please be patient with me. If you guide me a little, I'll do what I can to make you happy.
However, I won't be perfect. I am a constantly changing form. I am always trying to improve on myself. I try to be better all the time. I try to be more patient. I try to be more kind. I try to listen better. I take opportunities to learn new things. I am always looking for new hobbies, activities, or friends. I am always looking for ways to be stronger both physically and emotionally. And, I hope by now I'll be more fit for you and for myself - because that's what I'm working on. It's ultimately for me, but I also hope that you'll like my body, too.
I can be moody, irrational, and insecure. In those moments, please just reassure me. These obstacles will most likely come in a storm of dragon rage. I will suddenly be angry for no reason, or I will be sad for no reason and it may or may not be accompanied by tears. Please just hold me and tell me it's okay. Tell me that you still care about me. Tell me I'm not crazy no matter how crazy I feel or act. This is the time I tend to be most vulnerable - I might even be convinced you don't like me at all anymore. All the feelings and the insecurities come out because exuberant pain isn't enough when you're bleeding and feel disgusting anyway. I might not want you to come near me and I might feel gross - tell me you don't care and hold me anyway. And some months you might be surprised when I'm not in my crazy mode at all. It's an adventure for me, too, which version I'll be. I hate who I am when the red dragon rages - the only way I cope is making Smaug jokes and quoting him incessantly. It's a weird and flawed coping mechanism, but it's worked for me and usually get Ajax to back the hell off of me for a couple days.
I can get mad for silly things. You may or may not ever know I was upset. Chances are I won't be able to stay mad at you anyway. I'll feel silly or I'll just feel weird saying I'm mad. Often I don't show signs, especially if it isn't a huge thing. I get grumpy when I'm hungry or sleepy - and if you're keeping me from either I'll likely be irritated and curt with you. But I also might try to hide it if I don't want to leave you yet and instead opt for no food or sleep to get to spend more time with you. I won't always make sense because I am a paradox.
I will be hard to handle at times. I am stubborn. I like to play fight. I am sarcastic. I am surly. I like to be awkward. I am weird. I sing in the car and I might get annoying. I might not know what to say so I might get silent, please know that it's not that I don't want to talk to you or be around you - I might have been struck with idiocy and have no idea what to say.
I will likely adore you so much there's almost nothing you can do wrong. Especially in the beginning when I see only the good things. I hope you know that even once that goes away and your flaws do become evident I will still adore you - flaws and all with few exceptions.
I will cut ties and never look back from you if you ever consider physically abusing me, emotionally abusing me, or cheating on me. Those are my most firm deal breakers. Most other things I can deal with at least the things I've come across so far. Chances are if I'm with you, you're a great man though.
I doubt that you'll ever read this because no one reads this blog and it's very likely you're years away from finding me. It's also entirely possible that you don't exist because, God knows, I don't get men that want to stay long enough I'd feel comfortable showing them my blog. So, future-impossible-man...if you exist, I'll love you as long as you love me, too.
Sincerely,
Zelda - the Princess looking for her Link
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