+ Goals +

Day 29: What are your goals for the next 30 days?

Keep Up the Gym
It's going into that time of year of pitch black darkness at 4pm. The season of fog, mist, ice, and snow. My car isn't the best in snow, as such I want to power through it all and keep going to the gym even in awful weather at night. I managed to make it through Thanksgiving without gaining any weight back! I want to keep it going. 45lbs down! 2 Jean sizes down. Had to add new holes to my belt because it wouldn't hold up my jeans anymore!

Have Less Breakdowns
This has been the month of Breakdowns. I've been inexplicably and randomly crying a lot this month. I think it's a combination of having been dumped a month ago by the first guy I'd fallen for in a very long time and then being chased down by multitude of other males (specifically males that ditched me for other ladies previously and came back).

It's a lot to decipher with my feelings. This is also the month I lost both my paternal grandparents and I tend to get emotional over that. The weather gets colder. The seniors are going bananas with their big projects and by extension so am I. It tends to be stress filled, and I don't always know how to navigate winter months. It leads to much pondering.

I think part of the reason I've been crying a lot lately is I feel like I'm not worthy of love - being loved. There's that voice in the back of my head always telling me I'm not good enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, witty enough, or sensual enough to keep a man interested. I'm not the lady men will ever want long enough to keep.

Men always start out the same. They chase you and tell you how gorgeous you are, how great, how intelligent, how witty, and ask how you can possibly still be single. They pull you in long enough to make you care for them. And then they change their minds after a few months and without any explanation... I, to this day, have no idea why I am always boring the guys I'm with. They all say it's not me. What the hell? Really? I'm the only common denominator I know of.

I think I am afraid. I'm afraid to really let someone in again - and I think I'm afraid because there is a guy in line waiting. He's saying all the right things, doing all the right things (just like the last one) from the distance he's at, and I think I could care for him... but I'm keeping him at a distance because he has the very real possibility of breaking me badly like this last guy. It's also hard because I don't know that I'm ready to try again. I don't know that I have it in me to be crushed another time. I've had some real doozy heartbreaks in my life...

Take a Leap
I think I need to just realize what will be will be. I need to not let go or give up without trying. There's no harm in putting the tiniest bit of trust in another person, right? I think I need to not be afraid and give the guy a chance... if nothing else it's a new person even if it's entirely brief.

I'm likely moving in June. I need to take that leap. A new state, new city, new job, new beginning... I need to do this for me. I need to take a chance at claiming this life as my own.