+ To the Man Who Taught Me How to Trust Again +

Learning to trust men again after being raped is something more difficult than I ever believed before it happened to me. I didn't realize how much the rape affected me until I moved passed my denial phase, which lasted a full year. Now three and a half years later I am still hit with some effects though much less often.

The men walking next to you can be a murderer or a rapist. You don't think about it as much until it happens to you. Then suddenly every man has the potential to be a threat to you. You never know if you can trust the man you're walking next to on the street, the guy you're in a room with existing in the same space, or the man asking you out on a date. Now you see risks everywhere you go. Every man you see leaves you on edge wondering if in the right circumstances he would rape you, too.

With you, though, everything was natural. It was so easy and effortless to talk to you and share space with.

You were the first man I told that, upon hearing about my being raped, acknowledged that it was awful and wrong. You said that you were sorry it happened to me. You listened and didn't judge. You didn't see me as broken or damaged. You didn't tell me that I was stupid for having panic attacks at the idea of going on dates with other men. You didn't tell me my fear was ridiculous or uncalled for.

Thank you for listening and not judging my tale. 

Thank you for complimenting my intelligence and diction before anything else.

Thank you for talking to me endlessly to let me get to know you before going out with you in person.

Thank you for actively telling me how much you wanted to be with me.

Thank you for jumping in with me with such confidence that I forgot all the times men struggled with indecision over being with me or not.

Thank you for choosing me with absolute certainty.

Thank you for being so understanding when I agreed to go out with you that you offered to let me cancel on you last minute if I got a panic attack. Saying you'd rather wait if you needed to until I felt comfortable and safe to go out with you than force it and ruin any chance of being with me.

Thank you for kissing me like you had all the time in the world- gently and sweetly. You weren't pushy or trying to move on to anything more than kissing.

Thank you for always being sweet and careful with me.

Thank you for holding me while I slept with no other agenda than sleeping.

Thank you for letting me be an insufferable nerd girl at you.

Thank you for listening to my literary nerd girling- Imp of the Perverse, Lord of the Rings, and my rants on the education system as a whole.

Thank you for playing video games with me.

Thank you for watching Star Wars and Marvel movies with me.

Thank you for getting more comedy in my life, even if it forced me to stop hating Seth Rogen movies.

Thank you for holding doors open for me, for taking me on dates, for always making me feel safe around you.

Thank you for being a perfect gentleman.

Thank you for putting up with my incessant indecision in all things.

Thank you for all the laughter, ridiculous puns, pirate jokes, and silliness.

Thank you for all the stories you told me and listening to mine.

Thank you for being surly, sarcastic, and teasing me every chance you got.

Thank you for letting me use your dog to get my doggie-fixes when I was mourning the loss of my own.

Thank you for letting me enter your world even if it was only briefly.

Thank you for healing a part of me and my fear I thought I had to just learn to live with.

Thank you for showing me that I don't need to keep the walls and barriers around myself up all the time.

Thank you for showing me not all men will rape.

Thank you for showing me not all men want women just for sex.

Thank you for showing me that men can genuinely care for me.

Thank you for apologizing to me.

Thank you for always being honest with me even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Especially when it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

Thank you for not telling me to go away completely.

Thank you for being the best boyfriend I could have hoped for after being raped and for being the best boyfriend that ever entered my life.

Thank you ever so much for showing me that I can and should trust again. You were exactly who I needed to find. I think you were meant to help me learn this lesson. You are so amazing in every way, and I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. I regret our timing more than I can ever express, but I don't for one second regret you or any of the time I spent with you. I wish we could be together, but I understand. I adore you always.