I really wanted to move back to the town with my university in it. I love the town. I love losing myself in the arboretum and walking on campus and seeing the buildings. It all feels so much like home to me still.
Moving in with Dercetus felt a lot like home to me, too. He was there my whole time in college. I didn't always like him, but he was always there. And I grew to like him as a friend, a feight I never thought possible as a freshman. But now it sucks knowing in a year I'll likely never see him again. I somehow thought being his roommate would mean we'd be better friends and therefore it won't be another permanent goodbye like so many others I've faced. And goodness knows I adore Robbie, too. It'd be nice to have a year with them because I feel like it'd be good. Maybe I could be less uptight and subdued. I tend to be pretty shut off and poised. I don't know how to let my hair down, except with them.
I miss the feeling of home my university gives. I wish that I could continue my education there because I love learning. I'm that kind of ridiculous. If I could I'd absolutely be a professional scholar like the ancient Greeks.
Instead I am born in the wrong time and feel as if all my choices in life are stripped from me. Every time I try to make a stand and say this is what I want it gets thrown back in my face. There's a reason I can't.
The Dad wants to expand his business which means I am stuck here. I'm not allowed to leave because I have to help run it. He's planning a move soon that I was promised was a year away, but there's a location now.
And I applied for another teaching job. I won't find out if I got it until August because school districts are rad like that.
I hate that my life is always on hold waiting for an answer. Because my choice in job keeps you a fast fish until the last second. You stay harpooned until the end and then they release you at the last moment with your previous possibilities lost to you because you were hoping you'd be a teacher. But you aren't. You're left with a harpoon in your side, broken dreams, and a scar you can't heal properly.
I don't know which path to choose. I remain lost in a world with too many choices that are all equally financially unstable.
I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to make myself happy. I don't know what I want out of life.
once you figure out what you want, that's when things get easier. it's just that stupid waiting period where you feel like you're floating in an abyss of nothingness looking for some sign from the universe. yay adulthood.
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