Why does the future always bring tears to my eyes? Every time I think about it I just end up crying.
I think it's because I don't know what to do. Every time I think about what I want I get struck with logic. And I begin to question if I really want it and for what reasons. My motivations are pretty singular to help my friends. Often I doubt it will actually help me, though.
Ajax and myself have that in common. One of the few things we actually share. We care for our friends and often would rather help them than ourselves.
As much as I want to move in with the guys in the town I miss...I think Hamlet was right. It's moving backward and god it's the easy choice. It fits. Yet it leaves you anchored there. You won't move forward or accomplish the goals you have for yourself. Yeah, Hamlet can be wise despite everything he's stupid about.
I think that moving in with them, while fun and possibly good for my psyche, it will be as far from my goals as I can get. I will be in crippling debt, or ridiculously poor all the time. I will be working random odd jobs to get by and I will hate it. And I could grow to resent them because of that.
Also I've applied for the teaching job of my dreams (again). I won't hear about that until August because school's are awesome like that. And frankly I wouldn't be able to move in until September because of that.
I wish things were different. I wish I could justify this against the logical part of my brain. It breaks my heart because I was so psyched by the idea. I think because it convinced me that living with them would somehow ensure I don't lose them from my life. Which is probably an inevitably that makes me sad, but it feels true. I just think I'm afraid of losing more people which isn't a real reason to move and put my life on hold.
I need to do what's best for me...whatever that is. God knows I haven't a clue what that is.
I know what I'd do if I had unlimited funds, but I don't. That's a dream for another day.
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