The deadline for the teaching job that I wanted so badly has passed. That means they filled the position and offered absolutely nothing in way of response to me.
Do you know how much it cuts into your confidence applying for endless jobs and being ignored in response? It eats at the confidence and passion for the job. It kills your drive. It hurts.
I went to college as I was told all good little girls do. I was dedicated and graduated in four years (something quite difficult to do these days!). I worked a job the entire time (except my last semester). I went to maybe three parties. I didn't do drugs. I barely saw friends. I did everything I was supposed to. I did all this in order to be qualified to teach. A goal I've had my whole life.
I'm supposed to be qualified and yet no school will look twice at me. How am I supposed to take this?
Especially considering the majority of my fellow English Ed majors got teaching jobs right out of graduation. I'm happy for them...but it sucks seeing that I'm the only one struggling. I end up feeling like a failure - like somehow I'm less.
I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. And it breaks my heart. I want my life to start...it feels like it's stagnant and I'm just...stuck. I get to watch everyone around me living and I'm just on the outside looking in.
It's a weird and painful feeling.
I don't know what to do with my life. People say I'm young and I have plenty of time, but it doesn't feel like it.
I feel anxious a lot. I feel like in the back of my mind I'm always waiting for something. Some unknown force or thing. It feels hard to just be. It's hard to feel settled.
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