+ I Often Wonder If I Will Ever Stop Being a Fool... +

It sucks when someone haunts your mind. No matter what you do that person slips back in and takes the reigns of your thoughts. No matter how much you try or how sure you are that you are over him...bam! There he is again. Plaguing the mind and reminding you that he's not really there, and honestly he probably doesn't care. It doesn't matter that you're positive he isn't thinking of you, and that you don't haunt his mind. It never convinces your mind or your endlessly stupid heart you need to move on.

What sucks is that I believed I had moved on. I thought I was over him. I wasn't thinking about him as much. I didn't miss him as much as I do now. I was okay. Afterall he was supposed to be on the other side of the country. I was supposed to never see him again, but no. There he came crashing into my existence all over again. Instead of letting me stay cold and indifferent - everyone had to put their evil forces together and force us together. As always the longer I was around him the more impossible it became to stay mad and indifferent. Instead I broke and let him in all over again.

Now here I am. Often missing him. Wanting to be the kind of comfortable I always am in his arms, but I can never quite achieve that level of comfort on my own. Hit with the want to kiss him out of the blue that leaves me both pained and warmed...knowing that perhaps that won't ever happen again. Knowing full well that I may never see him again. Hoping more than anything that's not the case. Hoping he'll give me a real chance one day. Pathetic creature that I am.

Rossi on Criminal Minds compared a childhood friend of his to a star-crossed lover. Always wondering what could have been. Outside forces always working against the idea of them being together...and I find it hard not to believe that this man isn't my star-crossed lover. Fated to never really be mine. Just teases and moments of warmth. Leaving me broken, yet smiling like a fool. The goodbyes that leave me crippled every time I have to drive away...always having to be the stronger one and leave first.

Until I can push him out I'll be here feeling too much, and wanting it to end but secretly hoping it won't. I still just want him as stupid as it makes me feel.