Whenever I put too much thought into my job I tend to feel overwhelmed. Especially when I have particularly bad weeks, part of which tends to result from an unusually active sense of irritation that's typically a personal issue. I'll be the first to admit that there are times where I'm irrationally irritated and that anger builds through the duration of that week. It usually leads me to have a need to flee. I usually flee to my college town to see the boyses and the ladies that always make me feel better.
So here I am in the college town after a week that made me want to tear my hair out. Oh wait that was almost done by someone at work for me. A week that almost made me cry from frustration. Oh wait that definitely happened when someone at work scratched my eyeball and cheek with their fingernails. A week that almost made me dizzy with confusion. Well, that also happened when someone from work had me by the ponytail and shook my head - hard. It's just one shouldn't be getting smacked around everyday at work with the abuser getting no repercussions. Not to mention my psychological trauma when it was brought to my attention that the drool from the hairpuller made me smell like vomit from an entire room away!! I pride myself on my hygiene. And my work crushes that pride. Showering twice a day now.
My family I keep coming home to scratched, bruised, and smelly are irked I spent 30k+ getting a degree to teach when it's not being used. It's understandable, but I can't force someone to hire me. They grow angry that I get banged up and it doesn't matter - it's all for nothing and it'll just happen again tomorrow anyway. I get frustrated because every now and then I get a glimmer of the dream I'm slowly losing as if rubbing salt in the wound. I understand it's early. I only graduated a year and a half ago. I only filled out 250+ job applications with three replies. No one is owed anything in life.
Yet here I am going through a steady wave of an existenal crisis that ebbs and hits me once more full force. Every time I think I'm contented the crisis washes over me once more and I lose my balance on my life. I guess I'm losing my confidence in what I want in life. Part of me wants to go back here for a master's degree.
Then the question is which one? Just the Masters of English or Masters of Teaching English?
The masters of English opens up a TON more career opportunities - journalist, editor, college instructor, professional writer, business writer, etc. And there's the awesome thesis you have to come up with that will take up all the waking hours.
The masters in teaching basically just opens up doors to secondary school options which I can definitely see could be bad to acquire before getting experience in teaching (since everything I've done doesn't count for anything). But there's no thesis to write.
Part of me thinks I'm only considering going back now because I'm scared and running away. It's easier to go back to college because it's the road I know. I have a fondness for it mostly because I'm sure the suck has faded from my memories and I never got to have a typical college experience. Going back I could, in theory, try to find those memories the second time around and explore the insanity that creates itself in college towns. Truth is...I miss this town for a lot of reasons. It holds a lot of firsts for me. It had people that changed who I am for the good and bad. People that I sometimes miss and people I'm glad to be rid of.
The easier choice on my heart would be going back. How right it is for me I'm uncertain...
I never have answers.
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