+ Feverish Ramblings +

Sometimes I think that everything I do is futile because I just do this to myself. On some level I think I want to stay in this so very weird limbo. I wonder, at times, if I really want to find a man to be happy with. I know it's not like I've made any of this a priority, and why should I? I'm young and settling down isn't high on my priority list. I could use some new people to spend time with, and really I think that's all I ever wanted out of pof. However I think in the process of discovering this about myself I am hurting innocent men.

There have been a few that are feeling more for me than I ever allow myself to feel for them. I think part of it is not feeling like I really know them, my commitment phobia, and just not knowing what I want. And on some level it might be a lack of allowing real closure over the male that I let myself feel for for the first time in five years. I closed myself off in high school the first time my heart was really broken.

And somehow I never really relearned how to let a romantic-persuer in. I let the last man in because he took me by surprise - snuck in with friendship first. I thought those feelings were gone...it'd been months since I thought of him. Then while on a date my mp3 player played a song that always brings him to mind. And it took everything I had in me not to cry. I'd like to chalk it all up to hormones, but I think that'd be lying to myself.

This weekend I got sick again. Like in late winter thru spring. You remember that fun ride with me in elementary school subbing where I spent six months straight sick? Those were the last times I got to see him the most, and I knew he was a great guy even when he never saw it. Call it a feverish delusion...whatever you want, but I find it hard not to think of him now. I spent a lot of hours in his arms, while he never seemed to mind he could catch my colds...he just held me and let me feel better. Always warm and secure in his arms as music played and I wished he'd never have to leave. I'd never felt safer or happier, not that I'd have admitted that in a million years then.

Now I'm feeling the same and missing him, and I know I'm not being fair to these men or myself.  I know I jumped into this dating thing too soon as a way to prove I was still strong to myself, but I'm not. I'm a coward that's missing a boy she hasn't talked to in four months. I hope this is the sickness and the music talking.

I just wonder if I really want a relationship or not. I mostly just want my guy friends back that I can hang out with and talk to and feel safe around. I don't want to be tied down.