Fish two has more or less dropped off the grid if for no other reason than I stopped texting him to see if he'd notice I was gone- I don't think he has. I was pretty hurt...I'm trying to accept that things happen and it's out of my control. That there was nothing I could do to make him care about me back. What's weird is that I thought that he did care, and the sad thing is... if he called my name out loud you know I'd come running... and not just because that's what the Dispatch song says. I don't know, that might not be the case anymore. I don't know how I'd react to be honest.
Fish Three decided he didn't want his ex back and wanted to see how things would go with me. I figured it couldn't hurt since maybe he'd have a chance without fish two so prevalent on my mind. We have some laughs and talk about video games. We walk around or go on drives. It's been very innocent and slow, which is beyond good. I could use some time to build trust...
I just had such an awkward moment picking him up that it rocked the very foundations of who I thought he was and I don't know that's fair.
Basically the entire family told me that he can't be trusted to keep it in his pants. He has never been faithful to a girlfriend. He gets bored and looks for a new girl to sleep with before he's broken up with the previous one, no matter how great the girl treats him - if I needed proof I was the proof (yeah - inadvertently calling me his new floozy. Heck yes!). It was all a little much when you only just meet people. It was also done with a little hostility - I was stunned. Dumbstruck. I couldn't force myself to move or really react even.
But a lot of what was said to me was done with such confidence and sincerity that I don't know how I could ignore the warnings or pretend that they don't exist. I feel like maybe, as unfair as it is, I can't trust him. I feel like I'll always be wondering or waiting for him to become this person that the family says that he is. Starting out with these kinds of doubts... I don't know feels unfair to all involved.
In general I'm never jealous because I put my faith in the men I'm with, and frankly if they're going to cheat... well, they're going to. Nothing I can say or do is going to change that. Nothing. I'm not naive enough to think that I can change a man. A person can change if that's what they want... but I don't know.
He says that it hasn't happened for two years. I don't know if I can trust someone who I know has cheated before... if you do it once you can do it again. I just don't know what to do with this information. How do I interpret it?
All I'm thinking about now is nothing makes sense or adds up and I'm confused.
What sucks is that I like this guy, and he hasn't even messed up... yet here I am with all kinds of doubts and concerns. I am lost, stuck, and have no idea if I should give things a chance anymore or not. I don't know if I can move past this incident. It was so intense, scary, awkward, and the whole scene keeps playing in my head. I always hear the family's words in the back of my head telling me what they believe him to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment