+ Josaphine +

My mind has been in a weird and possibly negative place lately. I'm not sure why. I think it has something to do with acknowledging the goodbyes that are to come. One because a dear friend is moving away and the very real possibility of my moving.

I've been thinking of people who have entered my life a lot recently, and listening to a lot of music while driving. Ajax recently got the new Dispatch cd which has a song called Josaphine on it, which doesn't help my thinking of people from my past. 

Josaphine, my Jo, died when I was thirteen of leukemia. I found out about her death from her friend. Jo's just been on my mind a lot recently, partially because of the song and partially because of my mind thinking of my personal connections. I often wonder what she'd be doing if she were still here. If we'd still be speaking, or if -like so many other friendships- I'd let it go because I suck at keeping in touch. 

I shouldn't say that. I've managed to keep in touch with Bianca, Cerimon, Casanova, and Tank. They're kind of exceptions, though. We can easily go five months without talking. However, we always pick it right back up like we've never stopped, so I have that going with some people. 

It was years ago that she died. I remember because it was soon after the family forced us all into counselling. Apparently we were all having issues and it was time to talk to a professional listener. The problem was the guy sucked. He offered no insight or help into anything I said. Treating me like a child, yes I was thirteen, but blowing off all my personal experiences as "nothing" is not the way to go to earn trust. I was forced to bring in my sketchbook and poetry book and let the counselor read some of my work and drawings. There were drawings and writings dedicated to my Jo in them. She died before my Nana so that was the first death I really had to deal with. You know, that I was cognitively aware of. 

Basically everything was dismissed and I felt raw and exposed as a jerk essentially made fun of my work. My artwork and my writings were as much me as my flesh and bone - I was offended and after that swore to never go to the counselor again. I still refuse to see another counselor or psychiatrist for that very reason. I know they can't all be bad, but I'm still offended. I don't like the idea of people telling me my grief for losing Jo is somehow less. 

She was a sweet girl. She was strong and brave. She was witty and friendly. I wanted to be like her when I grew up. She was in her early twenties. I don't know. I guess I'm just really missing people lately. She's another person I wish I could chat up just one more time.