+ "It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us". +

I am in a city that is far away from home. Which really isn't a problem. If you know me at all, you'd know I'm not particularly fond of the location in which I dwell. That is probably why I am completely okay with the idea of moving to where ever I get a job. Job relocation is not remotely a problem for me. Life in my hometown is just not what I want. I'm stuck and unhappy. I went from living out of the 'rents house and doing whatever I want just because I wanted to. And living with them again is like high school all over. Just not the best of situations. I'm desperate enough I'm researching the idea of the Peace Corps. I shouldn't say desperate because it sounds like such an amazing opportunity and so life changing. I just mean that I am desperate to get out of the town/state in which I dwell.

Being in New York wouldn't be such a big deal - and I mean it isn't. It's the nonsense that has been occurring since we got here really that has me feeling a little exasperated.

Ajax has been doing nothing but making this whole trip rather Hellish if I'm being entirely candid. He decided I'm just the worst person on the planet. The Mom made me be shoved at the window on the planes, while he was shoved in the middle. He was having jaw pain; I was having pain of doom from the waist down and in my lower back. The seating decisions were all her, but somehow it was my fault anyway. I said there is no way I am sleeping anywhere near The Mom because my tolerance of her is rocky at best more often than not. We just don't have a good working relationship. I don't know why.

I think part of it is the fact that no matter what I do I seem to always be wrong. I seem to always be the bad guy. I clean the entirety of the main floor - it's why didn't you vacuum and dust my room? Why do you want to go out and do something with your friends when you could be bored watching mindless TV at home with me while I complain at you? How dare you not listen to me scream for no discernable reason! How dare you not like my millions of questions and incessant talking despite knowing that you, Zelda, appreciate the silence to think. I don't think she has stopped talking for more than two minutes the entire day so far. I can't do that. I can't listen that long. I can't hear noise that long. I appreciate the time to sit in silence and think or gather my bearings. So, us being in the same room is not the best idea ever. I ducked out and am sleeping in a room with The Dad. Ajax decided I was terrible for that, too, even though it was The Dad's suggestion we be in the same room because that way I could actually listen to music as I slept like I need.

So fast forward to yesterday. I am the most terrible person on the planet. The cousin (who is the reason we're in NY at all) invites me to hang out with her, Ajax, and the rest of the gang. Which Ajax blows a gasket and says he is uninviting me because I have no right to be there. Meanwhile he is throwing a fit about how he doesn't want to go see Wicked anymore because he doesn't feel good all the while yelling at everyone for no reason. Ajax decides to be rude and impossible and complain about everything. Last minute he decides he'll go anyway.

We get into the city and are on our way to the theater to see Wicked on broadway. They literally don't remember (The Mom and Ajax) what streets we need or how to go about finding the location. We needed 7th Avenue and 51st St. They also didn't understand how, exactly, the street numbering works. I'm pretty good at finding my way, or at the very least, can use logic to figure it out with minimal difficulties. I get us there easily and am trying to make things not suck so bad for everyone involved.

We still end up listening to Ajax complain and be ridiculous. We get to the theater and see the musical. All seemed to be going fine. The Mom needed a bathroom and I wanted to look at the stuff that they were selling because I was curious. I don't really plan on ever going to a broadway show again. If I ever end up in New York again it'll be to see the Uncle and the Aunt, not to do tourist nonsense. Ajax blows a gasket because he's supposed to meet up with the cousin and his friends (where he has pointed out I am not even remotely welcome). He's yelling and ranting like a lunatic. Finally he tells us we're supposed to meet them at 42nd Street. He ends up ditching us when we were supposed to be meeting up and so I take The Mom to 42nd Street where he ends up calling me. He's again yelling at me saying, "Where the F--- are you!?" Throwing a fit again. I tell him, exactly, where you told us to be, 42nd Street. Apparently he meant to say 44th Street. He was wrong. He decided he wasn't going to go back with us like he was supposed to. He ran off to go hang out with the cousin, which again she invited me to go, which I was already uninvited by Ajax and she didn't decide to stand up for me or say she wanted me anyway.

All of that I could have lived with. Whatever. I mean we're never going to be super close. We're too different. Then The Mom and I get home, which was an adventure in and of itself, which was also Ajax's fault. We didn't know what train line to take out of LIRR system. Ajax was supposed to be there because the Uncle told him all of the info involving the train. I thought he was going to take Ajax's head off he was so mad.

I guess Ajax called The Dad at 2am and said he was seven minutes away and that he was going to come home. The Dad planned to wait outside to let him in and so that they would know which house. His friend decided he wasn't going to take Ajax back here after all  Fast forward forty-five minutes. The Dad was outside, waiting, worried. By around 3am I am yelled awake. I have to make calls while both parents are yelling asking a million questions. The cousin didn't know where he was or what was going on, but I had to acquire cell phone numbers from her. Apparently Ajax's phone died and he didn't bother to use someone else's to let The Dad know he wasn't going to be back after all.

He then has the audacity to not even apologize today when we go to pick him up. He continues to be rude and foul. Even as The Dad shuttles him all over today. I am just done with him.

I kind of feel sorry I bothered to come. Except I can't feel that sorry because I haven't seen my Aunt and Uncle since I was like 9. Seeing them as an adult where I'll actually remember things is kind of nice. Especially considering with the extended family I am the wise, witty, and good one. The Uncle was saying he has no idea what Ajax is going to do if he doesn't go back to school.

One of the second or third cousins today was talking to me and was like, "You're the older sister, right?" I had to laugh and explained no, he's older. She said she always thought I was the older sister. I was basically 12 going on 30 something. I just think it's laughable that all the extended family see that I am the responsible one that knows what's going on. Sometimes it's nice to feel like I'm not the screw-up.

I kind of just feel like I'm back in time to when I first met the third cousins here. I wasn't allowed to hang out with them then, either. I kind of seriously hate this age gap thing. I am always the one left awkwardly to my own devices because of my age. They were all 5+ years older than me. I had been the youngest, until I wasn't. I'm 9 years older than the younger two now. I'm in that special awkward age that fits nowhere. So during every single family reunion I would be stuck either by myself or trying to find an aunt or uncle willing to let me be around them. I thought that things might be different now that I'm, you know, 23. Apparently being an adult isn't going to change anything. I'm always going to be the stupid younger sister of Ajax. The uninteresting one because I don't drink copiously or "party". Which sucks. I'd like to actually be friendly with my cousins because they are my family. They just don't want me.

I wish Obi-Wan was here. He is, at the very least, my ally always. We weren't always allies, either. He and I used to fight terrible, like siblings. Until after I was 14. Then we became pretty tight. We forged an allegiance after Nana died and we both became lost. We were the two especially close to her and without her we just were broken. And he would make me not feel so stupid or alone. It sucks that so often around my family I feel entirely alone. It gets old at times. You shouldn't feel like the outsider around your family.

I think I just need to resign to the fact I won't ever be close with my blood family. I'm different from all of them. Perhaps my aunts and uncles I'll be close to. Everyone else, probably not no matter how sad that makes me sometimes.