+ I Need a Change +

Man, there are times when I feel so very trapped in my own skin.

I just have such a way of always feeling trapped. I wish I knew how to make myself feel a little more free. So I didn't always feel like an animal trying to gnaw off its own paw in an attempt to get away. That's the kind of stuck that I find myself feeling as of late. It makes it easy to lash out at pretty much anyone.

Maybe I need another job to keep my mind from wandering. If nothing else I s'pose that would make it possible to save up some. Which in turn could allow me to move out.

Maybe that's my problem. I hate living with the family. There's something that's just plain awful about having to live with your parents again after having lived on your own for four years. I like coming and going, keeping things how I want, having things stay clean after I've cleaned it five minutes prior, and actually getting to have a place for my belongings. I'm rather sick of living out of boxes, garbage bags, and stuck around all this old crap that the Mother has some sentimental value on because it was mine as a kid and therefore I can't throw it away, donate it, or burn it. It has to be kept... gross.

Seriously? I outgrew this disgusting display of plush animals years ago. And the pink/mauve? I never even freaking liked pink or mauve.

I wish I had the money it takes to live on my own. To be able to get out of this house and have my own place. Then, what's the point if I don't even know where I want to be? I just know here is probably not it. I want to run away some place and start my life if that makes sense.

I have a degree, I'm in a job that involves my degree, but yet I still don't feel like I'm living my life yet. I just feel stuck and stagnant. Truth be told I kind of hate my job as a whole. I don't like the impermanence of it. I hate the idea of being on call, and that's just getting ready to re-start. I've been spoiled these last two months with a long term job.

Then there's the whole other issue of caring about someone I never wanted to care about in that way for the exact reason that distance is an issue now. I hate that. I was fine not having these feelings. Now I hate the idea of not getting to see him. I hate not getting to talk to him often. And I hate that I don't know where I stand. Story of my life.

Update:
Well, this just shows I've been feeling like I need out for forever. To be fair - now I am applying for jobs all over the US.