I was home sometime recently - it must have been during Summer. I'm not certain of the time frame, but something curious was told to me. Ajax was chatting with the Mom and mentioned at some point how he was concerned for me, his little sister; I am too serious. "She just never seems to be having fun. She just goes to classes, works, and even when she's here she's working for the Dad, walking the dog, and doing more work for classes". Granted, this quotation has some artistic liberties with it because I didn't hear Ajax say it, it was hearsay from the Mom. But that is the sentiment I was told that it resembled. Ajax being concerned over how I don't ever let loose.
This was particularly interesting because Ajax usually doesn't seem to think I do anything but waste time and be lazy - so he tells me. Maybe that's just a job of the older brother to always make you try to be more impressive than yourself. Always striving to outdo your own work. Maybe it's an older brother's job to ensure the young ones do things they never dreamed of themselves. Maybe it's just older brothers can't show kindness to younger siblings until they reach a certain age. Whatever the case, I thought it was cute. Maybe cute isn't the right word. I thought that that was endearing of him to mention. Mostly because I thought it was just me who thought I was stretching myself too thin. And continue to stretch, I always do.
What should be noted is, education is very important to me. I dream of a world where everyone has access to education. A world where everyone can read. Everyone can write. A world that embraces thinking, and writing, and reading. A world where you can venture with Ishmael to chase that white whale, where you can fall into a rabbit hole with Alice, where you can envision the broken world with Equality 7-2521 as he brings back the fire of knowledge to the world. A world where everyone enjoys a life of learning until the very last moment of living. Where people want to know more. I just want to live in a world where everyone cares about bettering themselves in any way that they can. Where everyone questions authority. A world where everyone can follow their dreams. And my only chance at seeing this kind of world is by being an educator.
That is why I am here. That is why I embrace 26 credits in this single, last semester. That is why instead of partying it up at fraternities I am instead at home, reading Moby Dick, creating lesson plans, writing out answers to take home exams, and reading my textbook on teaching Secondary English. Would I rather have had a chance to live a real college experience? Probably. But I don't think I would be walking away from this experience with the same knowledge I am now because I ignored those desires.
Sometimes it would be nice to be a different person. The kind of person that has fun with crowds of people she doesn't know. The kind of person that doesn't care if she is drunk in public. The kind of person that likes dancing and going out for a girl's night with random guys rubbing all against her. The kind of person who could have frivolous fun without having an internal schedule staring her in the face reminding her of everything she wasn't doing that she needed to be doing. It would have been nice to be the kind of person that enjoys the same things my friends do. The kind of person that can let go and let her hair down. The kind of person that isn't eternally serious. The kind of person that isn't always misunderstood as angry or bitter.
For me, I am content going on walks and enjoying nature. I enjoy movie or tv show marathons. I am content just being with the people I care about. I am content spending countless hours walking with my dog at night. I am content curling up with a classic novel and adventuring with the writer who has endless knowledge to share. I am content fishing with the Dad. I am content going camping, hiking, and staring into waters. I am content writing about everything I can. I would love to shoot pool and just hang out with Ajax, though he'd never want to. I am content without going to parties and watching people get drunk because it takes me too long to get drunk myself. I don't think it's fun being silly or acting a fool; I am content being me. No one else has to understand it.
I might sound boring. I might sound judgmental. I might sound like I have no life. It just means I value different things than you do. I don't know. I enjoy learning. I enjoy pondering. I enjoy meeting new people, but I don't like being overwhelmed by people I don't know. It makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. It makes me concerned and nervous. It takes a while to really know me because I let so few in. And even the ones I let in don't always really know me.
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