+ I Guess this is Growing Up +

If I knew what was good for me I'd just get used to the rift that seem to be between the majority of my old friends and myself. It just seems like I'm losing them all and it sucks. I'm tired of constantly missing people in the very rare moments I have free time. I'm sick of making plans with people only to have them blow me off. I'm sick of feeling like I place last with everyone I know. People don't make an effort to talk to me, I have to be the one to initiate conversation and then I have to keep it going to even talk to some old friends. Forget about making plans.

I hate that day after day I'm surrounded by people but still end up feeling alone. I just want to not lose more people I care about before it's time to lose them. It's not like they're like my lost loved ones, they aren't even dead! I shouldn't have to lose them now. Yet here they are, helping the rift and not able to care less about it. Yet I sit here slowly becoming a hermit due to classes and end up feeling weird in my own skin.

There's not a day that goes by I don't think of people who I haven't talked to in a long while. I miss them. I want them back. I don't like growing up because it always means losing your friends. And I hate losing people. I've lost too many people already due to reality and the inevitable fact that no one can live forever. I just don't know. Things like this get me going in the wrong direction because then I just feel that maybe it's just me. Maybe I just suck as a person and a friend. That's why they don't miss me, right?