Once again that urging inside of me is getting to my head. I can't handle all these restless feelings and I don't know where it's trying to take me. Honestly sometimes I do think I was born in the wrong time, I'd fit much better in a place that allowed us to do our own thing. But from the time we're kids we're told we must have a plan, set our goals out and work toward a future we know may never come to pass, and we're supposed to sit in classes that tell us we're fools for wanting something else.
Then I get teases as I'm an English Major, reading of the journeys from the past that others got to have. We live in a world where if there's anything left to discover or find it's well hidden, anything to be invented is already invented. Learning of the harrowing adventures of Odysseus, Telemachus, Jason and the Argonauts, etc. Grand adventures where they answered to no one, and had the time of their lives.
While we're stuck in stuffy classrooms, working our butts off to appease some instructor that just tells us we're good for nothing and stupid. Until you conform to his way and then you're brilliant, while working a job you hate in order to be a responsible adult, and then the cycle repeats.
Never once is there an end to the spellblinding restlessness within, and I don't know what it wants or where it wants me to go. I doubt I could ever stay in this town I'm in now. The place my parents call home. It's never been a home to me, I probably can't stay in my college town forever. I don't know where that leaves me, I couldn't stay in California, it has no ties for me there now. I couldn't stay happily in Texas, New York, Michigan, or Virgina, I don't think. Yes, people I love reside in all those places, but to live there? Establish roots? Who knows? I certainly don't. I don't know where I'm meant to live and establish roots.
Meanwhile all I feel is this tugging that tells me I need to go somewhere else, do something else, but it leaves no clues for me to deceipher for where or what. It slowly eats away at me, and then I have to wonder what is it all for? To drive me mad? To fix things for me? Who's to say.
All I have is this burning desire to get away, but no clue what to do with that desire.
i actually know what you're talking about. i feel it - the restlessness. i don't want to stay in moscow or hayden forever. i want to live somewhere else. ANYwhere else. just a different place. i've been thinking about that a lot lately. crazy right?
ReplyDeletebut you'll figure out where to end up. and if you go to a place and hate it there too, then go somewhere else. you're the boss of your life, even though sometimes it doesn't feel that way.