Day 2: How Have you Changed in the Past 2 Years?
I think the biggest ways I've changed is how I present myself and function in the world. Most of the ways I've changed have just been inside and invisible to the outside world.
I have found a way to honestly cope with one of the worst things that has ever happened to me within the last two years. My rape.
One of the fish from my past wanted to give dating me another shot in July, and I told him that part of why I got scared off was that I had been raped. He didn't take it well. He said I was dumb for being afraid of men, that I had no right to treat him that way, and that I was a horrible person for not giving him a real second chance. To be fair, I got a bit scared off by his intensity of wanting a girlfriend - it was the same thing that scared me almost four years ago. I have the feeling it wouldn't matter who it was so long as he had a girlfriend. Two years ago I never would have been okay walking away for the good of my own well-being but instead would have doubted myself. I've always put myself last and questioned myself. In July when this happened, I walked away without any doubt.
In August I started being able to talk about the rape to other people in my life. I told two male friends about it the same day. They were the first males I told that didn't blame me or make me feel like I was dumb that it affected me. They both genuinely cared about me and let me know that it sucked and they were sorry it happened. Both ended up accepting it enough they've dated me - one my ex from August and the other is my current boyfriend. Being able to come to terms and talk about it was one of the best changes I've had. It's not stuck inside and hidden away, but I've faced it. I've managed to break out of my fear of dating from the rape. I was able to trust again and I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do that.
I've also managed to drop 50 lbs and keep active during these gross winter months. I'm still on my journey to self improvement and to get fit and muscular. I'm no where near done, but I'm further than I thought I would ever be. It's a process that has been so rewarding.
Every goal I've set within the last two years I'm in the process of doing or I've completed it. It's so great. Most of these changes have happened since this past July, but it's all a start.
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