+ I Hate Admitting It... +

I hate to announce weakness. I hate to feel weak or small. Mostly I just don't like to feel as if I'm not strong or courageous. However, to be human is to have moments where you're lost and broken. No one can truly escape it no matter how difficult the times they've overcome. You will still find yourself with moments where you can't help being hurt and a little weak.

It is here that I will admit that my heart has been broken by a man I honestly never thought would hurt me. I always knew any chance I had with him was a very slim one. I'm not stupid. Nor am I completely naive. But he knew that I've had my heart broken many times. He's held me on more than one occasion where such an occurrence took place. And each time he held me as i cried over another man to him he had been gentle and comforting. He knows better.

Hamlet knew I didn't want to have feelings for him because I even said before he kissed me he was going to hurt me. He told me he wouldn't as he held me in his arms. Part of me knowing it was a promise he'd never be able to keep, but I hoped my head was wrong. Hamlet was a good friend and I wanted to believe in him and that I had finally caught some luck. Because I had been broken by too many men as it was. I figured he knew what I've been through and he wouldn't play with me since he knew my past. He knows more about my past than anyone.

Yet here I am a little over a year later fighting back tears because he broke my heart like he promised he wouldn't. 

I probably wouldn't have noticed for a while. I'm pretty inconsistent on facebook. Alice asked me who Hamlet was suddenly with out of nowhere and I felt my heart break as I read her text. I figured he wouldn't be single forever, but a part of me still hoped when he decided not to be single anymore it'd be me he'd give a chance to. Afterall I would have done anything for him. And that wasn't a secret.

I think what sucks most is according to Alice the girl lives where we all attended University. Which means she's not a whole lot closer in location to him than I am. Which means he's willing to do long distance...just not for me. He's willing to make an effort...just not for me. I think that is why I'm hurt as much as I am. He made exceptions for her that he never would for me.

I would have moved for him. There's not a lot at all I wouldn't have done for him. All because I cared about him. I never wanted anything from him other than for him to be happy.  Because I loved him. God, did I love him. And all he's done is played me and hurt me.

I really thought that eventually he would give me a chance.

Afterall every time I tried to move on he would come back in my life. I would be told I had to visit our mutual friends and he'd be there. I'd be dating other guys and I'd start hearing from him almost every day or so.

He was always just there making sure I couldn't move on. I'd see his face and suddenly he would be all I could think about again. He was always there making sure he was the only man I wanted. All so he could toy with my emotions.  And here I am crying over him...again.

I can't help it because all he'd ever been to me when we were together was nice, supportive, and affectionate. He didn't even see fit to give me warning or say anything to me. Just silence. Nothing.

And he commented once to me how all the girls he'd been with had hated him and he had no idea why.  If he treats them all like this and plays all girls as he has me, well that might be a clue.

Except I can't hate him. I never can. Despite it all I know that I love him.  Not just because I've been attracted to him for over a year, god knows I've been attracted to other guys this last year, too. It's because besides all this I still love the Hamlet that's my friend. As much as I may want to...I can't hate him.  And that just hurts more.

And here I am left with the conclusion that all this has happened because I obviously suck. I can't be rejected by all the men I end up having feelings for because any other reason than I am not good enough. There's something about me that makes it so I can't keep a man interested. I'm just not the kind that will win. And that hurts. And it leaves me confused. And I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I really don't.