+ So Long +

I'm already at the point in my life that I'm beyond sick of having to say goodbye. I hate goodbyes. I hate the permanence of them, the empty feeling it leaves you with, and the uncertainty in the meaning.

I've had to say all sorts of goodbyes already in my short life. The permanent ones that follow death. The one-sided goodbyes. The goodbyes that came too late. The goodbyes that feel like eternity will go by before you get another hello.

The goodbyes that hurt the most, though, are the ones left unsaid. You get left feeling empty, stuck in a world with no closure. I've had a number of those goodbyes, too. Those are the ones that leave scars in you forever. The ones you look back on and wonder - wish could be different. But you know no matter how hard you wish nothing in the world can make these goodbyes different.

Nana was a goodbye left unsaid. I was on my way to see her. A mere ten hours away from my goodbye. The goodbye was never uttered, though. The world seemed cold and mist crept through the streets. It blanketed me and kept me inside. I wandered through the world like a zombie for what felt like months. I couldn't feel much of anything - couldn't force myself to cry or feel. I locked everything up inside myself- avoiding the world around me.

Grandpa was another goodbye I was never afforded. I never even got a funeral to go to. That was one that never felt fully real. I was at college alone, while everyone else got to be together saying goodbye. It still doesn't always feel real to me that he's gone. Sometimes I honestly believe he's in Texas- up at 5:30am for his daily walk with the neighbor; already full of a cup of coffee or two. I can still picture him in the house. Gruff and a little rough around the edges, but hugs that were comforting and a little awkward thanks to his sandpaper stubble.

Goodbyes are the cruelest necessities of all. I'd rather not have to say them. I want to be selfish and keep everyone in my life. I don't want to let go. Letting go doesn't always mean you're strong. It can sometimes mean you're not willing to fight for that relationship anymore- or one of you isn't.

Even the Goodbyes forced on me due to death I fight to keep. They're always on my mind. I don't like people exiting my life. I'd like to think that the people I've lost are somehow still... I don't know. Not a part of me, that's too cliche. I just feel like it's not really goodbye. They exist in my dreams still and I sometimes see them there. The memories haven't faded yet. I can still hear my grandpa telling me how stupid I am for liking fantasy/fairy tales. Still remember conversations passed with my Nana. Sometimes I hate that I never got to talk to her as an adult. I couldn't have offered up real great conversation as a kid...

I always picture goodbyes like I imagine the characters in Shakespeare plays falling through the trap doors. I feel like not all of them were meant to happen - it's an easy way out or a trap.

I don't think goodbyes should be a thing.