+ I'm Looking for a Clean Slate +

This has been a weird time for me. Mostly being in my head is very, very strange. Some moments it's a very bad place to be.

I know I talk about how I'm feeling trapped on here a lot. The truth is I feel like I've always been a caged bird; my wings always clipped to ensure I remain flightless. I have spent a lot of time being afraid of the unknown. Always finding excuses to not do something.

1. There's no reason to put my feelings on the line because I'll just be rejected. He'll never like me anyway. None of them have really cared about me. Other girls are so much better. That's why all my boyfriends have dumped me for the possibility of another, better girl than me.

2. I don't have the money to move. I can't believe my aunt/uncle/cousin legitimately wants to help me by letting me stay with them to get my feet on the ground. I have to find my own way because I'm too proud to accept help, even if it's from family that loves me.

3. My parents get mad at the thought of me leaving the nest. They just yell their disapproval and tell me how I can't do it because I don't have the money and I just can't.

4. I don't want to be alone. I can't move even though I'm ridiculously unhappy because I don't know people and will just more unhappy. I don't want to leave my friends. I will miss my immediate family. Whatever, whatever.

See? Do any of those excuses or justifications make sense? It's all based on fears, insecurities, and nonsense! I think it took my new realizations of myself and newly discovered feelings and knowing what I want to find this kind of shift in myself.

Don't get me wrong I'm slightly afraid still. However, I have a real goal to work toward at the moment. Two in fact.

I now know that if I don't actually give it a shot with this guy that I'm going to always be wondering. What-ifs will always cloud my judgment. I will hate that there is only question marks. I will hate myself for not fighting for a chance. I'm done being afraid. I need answers. I need to be able to talk to him. The sooner the better. I haven't been so secure in knowing what I want in six years when it comes to guys.

Come on now you know I must have liked guys, right? I've been interested in a few here and there. I'd either never say how I felt and just find that I was no longer interested in them, or I would get them to have feelings for me back and find I no longer felt anything toward them. I'm a terrible person. This one is different though. He has feelings for me back and I have no desire to push him away, and I'm still interested in him.

I need to have a real, serious talk with him about what he wants. That's what I guess this all boils down to.

The other realization I found in myself clicked last night after coming home from a great weekend where I got to chill. I got to relax and be with people I care about and make me feel cared for. I know. Weird. Me feeling cared for? What the hell?

I get home only to be yelled at. I felt awful. I felt hurt. I'm sick of always feeling unwanted and hated at the place that is supposed to be home. That's when I realized just how much I hate being here. This place is toxic for me. I hated it all throughout high school. I counted the days until college after sixth grade. Every day. I wondered how I would ever make it through and then I graduate college and find that I'm right back here. Feeling exactly as I did then. Trapped, hurt, angry, depressed, hating myself and my family. That isn't healthy.

Somehow talking to Obi-Wan opened my eyes today. I really do love him so much. He's my brother/cousin who always knows how to make me feel better. He encourages me when I feel broken. He's the reason I stayed in college. He always told me I could do anything.

He told me that I should never have gone back home after I graduated. That was my biggest mistake and I think to a certain extent maybe he was right. If I stay here I'll just become more bitter and angry. I'll become more depressed and I'll always be in this toxic slump.

The biggest help is that when he said I need to move to Virginia and I've needed to be there for a long time. Or maybe just somewhere else, it didn't have to be Virginia, but I need to go. He asked what was keeping me and I mentioned a lack of financials keeps me. And he just said I'd be no bother to him, why do I always think I'm a bother. He's there to help me. It will take a few months to get my own place and get secure and that's okay. I only need money for a truck for my stuff to move. That? That I could afford now.

So with the idea of the ease in which it would take to actually leave I felt happy for the first time in a really long while. When it came to my future I mean. I feel like Obi-Wan's right. I am wasting time here. I am lost. I am stuck. I no longer know what I want with my life. I question if I want to be a teacher. I question if this is what my life is supposed to be. I question what the heck I am doing. I feel worthless and in a slump. The thought of leaving made sense. A lot of sense.

I know things will be bad with the family when I tell them I'm leaving. Luckily I have a while to figure things out. I have time to figure out where I want to go.

I can't leave before finding out if this guy and I maybe have a future or if he'll even let me have a chance with him. He waited so long to let me know how he feels that I feel like this is my only chance. My time is running out. I need answers. Once I have the answers, whatever they might be, I can then find my way. Not that I'm holding back because of him, but because I want this more than I've wanted anything in a while. I never know what I want. I'm impossible! But I know I want him.

He's the kind of man that feels worth it to fight for. Even though he doesn't understand why. Even if he doesn't believe I can possibly feel this way about him. He might not be any different than any other guy, but I am a different kind of girl when I'm with him than I am here. I love who I am when I'm around him. I'm honest - never lying to him. I'm more brave around him than ever before - I say things to him I'd never say to anyone else, I answer the questions even when they're tough and I feel embarrassed. I can be slightly girly, nerdy, and sarcastic.

I have always been myself around him and felt safe. He tells me I'm pretty and I believe him. He's one of the only men I've come across that has told me I'm pretty. I know that sounds untrue...but it isn't. I haven't heard that much in my life. I've heard how hideous and ugly and gross I am far more than anything relating to me being on the playing field of pretty.

I never feel safer than when I'm in his arms. I've always liked his hugs - strong and secure. He always made me feel better when I felt like I was going to break inside. He's held me when I've lost it and couldn't stop crying. He can make me reason out my mindset into words when I couldn't figure out what was going on in my head by myself. I've never liked kissing someone more than I like kissing him.

Part of the reason this is so tricky is because we've been friends for four years before anything like this happened. And now he's getting ready to leave for who knows how long. He waited until the last minute to let me know he's had a thing for me. I would have given him a chance a long time ago had he even acted remotely serious. I thought he was joking - I never believed he would be serious about me.