+ Missing +

Day 16: Write about something that you miss.

November is probably my most difficult month both mentally and emotionally so I find myself missing a lot of things.

I miss the people in my life that have passed away and a number of them have passed in November. So it's hard not to think of them during this month. They pop into my head when I least expect it, and it leaves me devastated at times.

I miss the friends I've had during my lifetime that have cut ties with me for one reason or another. I always end up wondering how people are after having cared about them. People never really leave my thougyts as the person I am because is often due to them. They're always a part of me and so it's hard separating them from my head and my heart. I think I'll always hope for the best for them and wonder what they're up to.

I also am finding that I continue to miss him. To be fair it's only been a few weeks since he ended things with me and stopped all forms of communication. I find that I can't forget about him even during the few times I want to. I try to get over him, but it's proving to be more challenging than one might expect.

It's not like I haven't had a relationship end with guys before. I definitely have. Somehow this one is harder to deal with than I remember them to be, though to be fair I haven't even been interested in a male for three and a half years so I could just have forgotten...

I know it sounds dumb and is silly. It's not like we were together very long. We were strangers until July. I let myself trust in a way I haven't for a lot of years though and I got attached. He was so certain that he wanted me and we made each other so happy- I thought I'd finally caught a break. We're alike in a lot of ways and world's different in others. His fears mirrored a lot of my own. I hadn't had a man that sure of wanting to be with me ever, so I let myself believe him.

It turns out that was foolish and I had no right to think things would be any different than they ever are. It's stupid to think that a man would choose me with such confidence and determination.

Still, that doesn't stop me from missing him. I have no real concrete explanation for how or why I got so attached. He's a person like any other, but something about him won me over so fast. It was all the little things. A ton of reasons I can't describe or explain. I don't know.

I want to not miss people so much. I always do, though. I was reminded by Alice that once upon a time I thought I'd never get over Hamlet and I did. The ache is long gone and she assures me one day it'll be the same with this one. Still, it only marginally makes me feel better. I didn't want to have to let go so absolutely, but I guess he didn't really want to be friends as friends talk at some point. And all I've gotten from him is radio silence. And apparently my forfeited vhs/dvd player.

So it goes...